Whatever it takes

Step Three for real this time?

I moved to step three last week. I spent the summer at an eating disorder treatment center working on my first step with my sponsor. Which means I emailed her everyday and learned to act in ways that show I know I am powerless. If I am powerless, then I would be willing to take any suggestions that my sponsor makes regarding my recovery. So we emailed everyday, I had to surrender my food plan to the dietitian and I had to participate in everything, even the optional activities at the hospital. 

When I came home I moved on to step two. This was really hard for me. I don't even remember doing step two the first time through the steps. I came in to the program having been all of the types detailed in the AA 12 & 12 Step Two chapter. Mostly when I came in I was the drifter and the intellectual self-sufficient. So I spent years trying to find a higher power that would work for me. I acted as if, I used love, I tried to use the connections within the group and each one could not stand up to my intellectual picking or any crisis. I always went back to food as my higher power. I had opened up during my stay in the hospital because so many people I was close to that had close relationships with their God that worked for them. I shared my experience with OA and they opened my heart to the possibility of finding a HP that worked for me.

I despaired of finding a god of my experience that I could have a relationship with.  My sponsor, other people around me and all the literature says I need to have a relationship with my HP to recover. I could not go back to the God of my childhood; I tried to be willing but it just does not work for me. So I once again followed all my sponsor's suggestions. I did quiet time each day inviting a spiritual experience. I wrote a gratitude list every night and specifically thanked HP for whatever it was, even if I did not believe it (this got easier and really opened me up), I did writing about a certain relationship that I am obsessed with and really looked at what it is in that relationship that I was seeking and yearning for. That helped define the shape and depth of the hole I was trying to fill with things other than HP. 

After two months of working on her assignments and talking about it in meetings and other OA and with my therapist (she also thought it was key for me to find my HP) I came to find the God of my experience. I'm not going to write it all out here. I did write it out, but I've only shared it with five people. My higher power is personal to my experiences and perspective of my life so far and therefore is different from anyone else's HP. A very simplified summary is that I find God in the magic moments and connections with other people where there is synergy. The extra element that I've always called magic can also be described as a spiritual experience. That was the beginning of my understanding. The gratitude lists I continue to write and pray are the tools that are helping me build a relationship. That and recognizing that I've had a relationship to this experience all along and just not recognized it as a HP. I guess one reason I keep it so private is that I'm not interested in debating it or over intellectualizing it. Even what I wrote out to share with select people is more lyrical than analytical. One person called it a poem; I like that.

So now that I've found the God of my experience I'm working on the hard part. Surrendering my will and life to a HP that I just met is so very difficult. I'm going through some really stressful stuff. Not drama that I've made up in my head, but real life struggles that must be dealt with like an adult. So I pray and try to do the next right thing. I'm powerless to do anything else.

What is the next right thing?

I'm back. I surrender. I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable. I've been struggling for a long time. I reconnected with my sponsor yesterday. We walked and talked for about an hour before a meeting. She isn't sure she is the right sponsor for me. She has always been type A and I am certainly not. When we tried to think of someone more like me, but with strong recovery we failed. All the people I know in the rooms that have similar approach or attitude are struggling or have fallen away completely. This is sobering. This is scary.

I just deleted a lovely metaphor I constructed. I built a nice little picture to explain my half-assed approaches of the past. But it was ego and indulgence and skips around the truth. If I don't start living in a way that demonstrates acceptance of Step One (I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable) I will die. My sponsor told me I am emotionally and spiritually dead already. Like her husband was before he finally died physically. She isn't sure she has what I need to recover.

My program is simple today:

• Call my sponsor every day.
• Call two other people in OA every day
• Follow my food plan
• Ask what is the next right thing to do.
• Do it.
• When my reaction is "I don't wanna!" Do it anyway.

Asking for the next right thing and doing it is my spirituality, asking for help to do the right thing is prayer. It cannot get much simpler than that. May I be humble and teachable enough to do it.

Is surrendering the same as giving up?

Surrendering to HP feels like giving up. Could I be on the right track with that? If I surrender everything that I don't have power over that doesn't leave very much left for me to deal with. It could get awful quiet in my head. I could get uncomfortable might fast in the vacuum.

It feels like the line between total surrender to HP and surrender to a short miserable life in Muumuus and slip-on shoes is too thin for me to navigate. It is too precarious on my own. Do'h! Of course, that is where my sponsor and other members come in. How long will I batter my head against the same concepts before I can grasp this concept for longer than a meeting, conversation or writing session?

Pen to paper

I'm struggling. I need to do the writing my sponsor told me I should do last week. I haven't yet. I know I should surender and just do the next thing, but I don't. I'm on step three. I need to just do the work and get on with it.

I've written a lot of posts that never make it online. I kind of poop out before finishing or decide that what I've written is more a rant than anything useful so I delete it.

My Wednesday night meeting finally moved to a new church in a neighboring town. It's got heat and everything! No more getting there early to turn the oven on to take the edge off. The lighting is good too. It's awesome that others have taken responibility for getting things done. I don't think anyone thinks of it as my meeting anymore and that is a very good thing. It has a life of it's own now. I love that.

It is so hard to make the connection between the actions (or inaction) I take and my connection to god. It's better now that I can think of my higher power as the god of my experience. No matter what debates I cling to over theology, my experience of praying and turning things over is enough basis for faith that it works.

I'm glad I have a meeting to go to tonight.

My I see you god list

I'm on step two. I'm continuing to practice powerlessness from step one by calling my sponsor daily. Now I'm reading a bit in the AA 12 & 12 on most days and writing an "I see you God" list most nights. I was trying to do it mentally, but it doesn't work the same. I need to put pen to paper and write it out.

What's an I see you god list? It's a gratitude list. Gratitude lists always seemed so corny to me. But when my sponsor called it an I see you list it resonated with me. At night I think about my day and look for my HP in it. Things I could not do by myself, so it must be god. So for today it looks like this:

I see you god:

• in sticking to my food plan
• in paging Dr. L again even though he didn't return page Friday or Saturday (and not being angry about that)
• in calling my sponsor with no expectations
• in calling someone else in OA when my sponsor was unavailable
• in going to my meeting today and not even thinking that I might not want to go

There isn't anything huge and dramatic there, but any one of those things is impossible for me to manage on my own. Making the list makes me look at my life differently.

Mostly though, every time I make the list instead of blowing it off, I am following suggestions from my sponsor and practicing my program to the best of my ability. That's it. When I do what I'm told I should do everything is better. It's that simple.

Step one, I might be wrong

Powerless and unmanageable? You bet. Tough week, but hopefully I'm closer to true humility because of it. I wanted to just write a quick update and now that I've started I'm not sure what I want to share.

I spent a good deal of time last week in pain. I followed some suggestions and learned that although I felt like I was getting the crap kicked out of me and that "people" were mad at me, it was not truth.  I made a list of people in my life and not one of them is. The only one beating me up and hating on me is me.

This is so simple, yet shocking to me. A major ah-ha moment. 

I'm also wrong about so many things. The farther I go off the 12 step path the more lies I tell myself and believe with all my heart. 

For today I will ask for help and run any ideas or theories I come up with past my sponsor. I'm also working hard to stay god-conscience throughout the day. My shower wall is again covered with reminders to pray and what I should pray for. Help and grace.

Still stagnant

Sigh.

It has been really hard for me to work my program lately. I still go to meetings and take calls. I even make calls. I've called my sponsor more in the last few weeks than I have for a long time. I'm just not feeling it.

I feel irritated by fellow OAers who don't stay consistent in meeting attendance. So many regulars aren't showing up anymore. It's frustrating. I really don't want to carry the key or lead meetings every week. I don't like being the only sponsor at a meeting. I much prefer my Sunday meeting where there are often 12 people and 9 are sponsors. I've grown impatient with those who haven't moved forward in their programs. There are so many people who are afraid to sponsor because they don't feel good enough. Nobody would ever sponsor if that were the criteria.

So what's going on that I want to take everybody's inventory but my own? I haven't moving in step 9 for months. Sure I do living amends all the time, just did some today. But I need to find someone I worked for 21 years ago and I don't really want to put in the time and effort.

Also still farting around with food plan changes. My food got a bit loosey-goosey for a bit there. I've been losing and gaining the same two pounds for months now. My food is clean this week and that feels better.

I talked my attitude over with my sponsor. She says I'm totally normal and this is a normal phase in my program. It feels good to be average. I resent like hell that the same effort I put in for the last few years isn't enough to keep me abstinent now, but it is awesome that I'm just an average compulsive overeater and this this too shall pass. I just have to keep showing up and working to the best of my ability each day.

Ugh. I read an article on becoming an early morning person instead of a night owl. I think I need to implement the steps. The main changes would be getting up at the same time even on weekends (Yuck!) and on awakening go outside for a 30 minute walk (What? Yuck, yuck, yuck!) There are a few other things, but those are the two that would be the biggest changes. I say I want to get to work on time consistently and become reliable. I'm I willing to actually make the changes that would make that happen?

Stay tuned...

Step nine progress, target me

I did two things today that moved me forward within step nine. I made a dentist appointment and an appointment for a physical. Big deal right? No big deal. Except that it took me from September until today to make those calls.

Living amends to myself means taking care of myself. I have not been to the doctor or dentist in three years. I'm not anxious about the physical. I've lost about 90 pounds since my last visit and just had blood work done so I know I'm okay. I need to get references to get the cysts* on my head removed and probably should get my first mamogram and see a dermatologist to check out my moles. I'm a moley girl, always have been. There are some in the center of my back that I can't keep an eye on and have a low level background fear about melanoma.**

I am afraid of the dentist though. If I don't make an appointment for my six month checkup I never go. I get the postcards every six months and then never do anything until I find myself in pain. I'm not in pain, but there is stuff going on in there that I don't want to think about. I always feel shame when I go in. I am not a regular flosser and it is embarrassing and painful when they settle in to chip off the plaque. I know that once I go for my checkup there will be countless followup appointments for crowns, root canals and who knows what else. I think my gums are receding. I'm running out of whole teeth.  I don't want to be the old lady with loose dentures. Bionic dentures might be interesting. Hmm.

Anyway, I see my doctor next week and my dentist next month. It feels good to have those things off my list of things to do.

 

* Had one since collage. My dad had them too. In the last year it got bigger and a second one sprouted. They are front left side of my head. The original one is big enough that my hairdresser noticed. Time to get them removed. Hate the thought of shaved areas and scars on my scalp.

** "I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!"***

*** Yes, this bit really does goes through my head every single time I encounter the word Melanoma. Every. Single. Time.

Four pounds less, Happy Birthday to me

I've lost four more pounds. I have now lost 93 pounds. I'm really happy about that. So far I haven't gotten freaky about how close to 100 pounds I am. Maybe I got that out of my system a few months ago, or it could hit me when I least expect it. For today, right now, I am content with myself exactly as I am.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It was a nice day. I didn't have any plans, but that was fine with me. I had no expectations for the day and so just relaxed and went with the flow. I read in the morning, went to my favorite eating hole for lunch, bought some thread for my new sewing machine and went to my sister's house. I hung out there for a bit, then took the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble they gave me and went shopping. I bought a globe, a laminated map of Illinois for the car, three CDs, and a sewing book. I love shopping with gift certificates. I'm getting more disciplined too, I only had to add $3.33 to complete the transaction. I used to spend at least 50% more than the gift amount.

Then I went back to my sister's house to swim and eat. She ordered pizza and salad. She put candles on the candle and they all sang Happy Birthday to me (the neighbors were over too). It was nice to have pizza out. I've been wanting it (yes, it is on my food plan), but I tend to over eat it. It's nice to have a portion, then not have any left overs. I did eat it rather fast though, because by the time it arrived I had 15 minutes to eat before I had to go home to catch my ride to a meeting.

Yes, I went to a meeting on my birthday. I haven't been to that meeting in over two years. A friend invited me to go with them and I accepted. It felt right to go. I'm so grateful for my life right now and it is all due to the program. The speaker was great and I saw a few people I knew. The topic was steps 8 & 9.

At first I was disappointed because I had just gone over step 8 on Sunday with my sponsor. It was good though, because it reminded me that I need to start making my step 9 amends now. I don't want to sit here at 9 for a year like I did for 8.

There are some amends that I thought I would not have to make that I do. There some amends I thought I would have to make that I don't. It's hard to think of the financial amends I owe. It is hard for me to let go of money. I can tell that I will feel better when they are done. I'm relieved I don't owe amends to my dad. I need to find a way to forgive him, but that is part of my self-amends. I am to write letters to my parents explaining what I needed to get from them that I did not. It is not to be given to them, it is for me to work through it.

I'm glad I got step eight done before my birthday. I feel clean. I was starting to beat myself up over my lack of forward progress. The speaker last night reminded me that it is after the ninth step that the obsession with food shall be lifted. My sponsor had reminded me that the promises are at the end of step nine, but I hadn't thought specifically about food.

I had some insanity yesterday at lunch about food. I had planned to get one of my usual meals at the cafe. Standing in line it felt like there would not be enough. I wanted more than one dish. I wanted a bit of everything. I tried to convince myself that having a pretzel roll on my birthday was acceptable, even though bread as a side is specifically not in my plan. I wanted to treat myself to excess food on my birthday. Knowing how crazy that is doesn't stop me. "Self-knowledge avails us nothing." I don't remember thinking of any specific tools, but I did order one of my usuals. I did however order extra chips. "It's my birthday, I can't have cake but I can eat extra potato chips." Not the worse thing in the world, but not sane either. I was, of course, stuffed when I finished. The portions were, as usual, big and filling.

I'm going to my usual Tuesday night meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think I should add in extra meetings occasionally, it adds some zest.

Moving on

The wake/memorial thing was okay. I saw a couple friends I hadn't seen in years and that was nice, but I didn't know anyone else. I did talk to Jamie's mom and brought her over to where we were sitting. She seemed touched that we came. I ate before I went and then went straight to a meeting. I don't know if I would have stuck to my food plan for dinner. I became a non-issue when my sponsor asked me to have dinner with her.

It was really nice. I need to make an effort to see her outside of meetings more often.

We scheduled time on September 2 to go over my eighth step. She said I need to move forward. We'll talk about the people I've finished writing about. Only the really hard ones are left: mom, dad, myself. I am to write on these 10 minutes at a time. I'm supposed to set a timer and stop at 10 minutes. Then next time, read what I wrote the time before and the set the timer for 10 minutes and write again. Apparently this is a way to write about ugly, painful things without killing yourself. I worried that I wouldn't really accomplish anything from one writing to another, but she said when I reread what I wrote before I'll come right back to where I left off. So this is what I will do.

I should have been ready to make amends yesterday when I saw a friend I hadn't seen in 15 years. I made sure I got her contact information though and she is living in state again, so at least I don't have to track her down before I make my amends to her.