Whatever it takes

Their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality

Someone just told me I’m an OA rock star; that I’ve got this program thing figured out. After a brief moment of pleasure, I thanked them and said they were wrong. I’m doing well and I am working my program, but maybe I’m sharing too much hope and strength at meetings? I do share struggles, but lately what comes out is that life is pretty good and I’m happy. I pray to be useful before I share, so I don’t want to start second guessing myself.

I think this is why my sponsor told be to make sure I reach out to non-sponsees the more sponsees I get. She said it’s easy to become an OA queen. I didn’t think I was doing that, in fact I was a bit defensive about it. This tells me I need to listen and take her suggestions. I’m glad I give people hope, but I’m no better or worse than anyone else in the rooms.

I worked a sixth and seventh step on Sunday afternoon. It was cool. I’m not sure how helpful it was to her, but I got a lot out of it. Ideas are become more solid in my head and heart. My character defects separate me from my HP and make it difficult to take loving actions in all areas of my life. The absence of these shortcomings allows my live with grace. Pretty much the opposite of each of my defects is grace. I was positively sappy yesterday. My heart was full.

And yet, I’m still having a bread problem and I’ve been on step eight for almost a year. I’m following my food plan, but my thinking is not sane when a sandwich is an option. If I was entirely ready to do whatever it takes I’d be talking this over with my sponsor. I have not done so; even though I saw her last night at a meeting. I am not a rock star. I am one bite away from losing the serenity I’ve worked so hard to find.

Me Jane

I weighed myself last week. I've lost another pound. I've now lost 89 pounds since becoming abstinent. I was expecting a bigger loss. I felt like I'd lost more than 16 ounces. Maybe that was the four pounds from last month catching up. I'm twenty-one days from turning 38. This spring I was doing DietMath to figure out how much I would have to lose to hit 100 pounds lost by my birthday. I won't be weighing myself again before September 3rd, so I know my number. It's 89 and I'm satisfied with that. What does my birthday have to do with my weight anyway?

Last week at a meeting someone shared a metaphor that I've been thinking about a lot. Program is like swinging on a vine Tarzan-style. When you hit the highest point on your swing you better grab on to the next vine or you'll be going backward. I've got to keep moving on my steps or my program will fall back. I know this. I've experienced it, yet I keep doing just enough work on my eighth step to keep from falling back, yet I'm not ready to finish it and grab the next step. Oh crap, now I've got that yodeling Tarzan-boy song in my head. (Oh-oh-oh---oh-oh---oh-oh--oh-oh-oh---oh-oh--oh...)

I think I'm a new grand sponsor. That's so cool! It makes me feel really connected to the program. Someone I've shared my experience, strength and hope with is now passing her ESH to someone new. I still feel like very much a newcomer, there is so much I don't know. But this makes me think of all the people in program, past, present and future. I'm a part of it. I love OA.

Enough already

I called my sponsor on my way to work this morning. Why don’t I call her more often? I turn it into a ‘have to’ situation. I really do like talking with her. She has years of experience in OA and always has an answer. Why would people pick me to sponsor then when there are people with long term recovery who have seen it all? Sometimes I feel I’m cheating my sponsees when I have no personal experience with something they are asking me about. But all I can do is share my own experience and I’m getting more comfortable saying, “I don’t know.”

Today I asked my sponsor about all the little stupid things that I’m carrying around that didn’t make it onto my 4th step inventory. Mostly stupid mistakes I’ve made that I can’t let go of. Little things like when I’ve misunderstood what someone was asking and answered the wrong question. She said that is perfectionism and it belongs on my list. So now I’ve got to write them down when they occur to me. One that I used as an example is trivial, but I’m still hanging on to it.

About twelve years ago a coworker asked me about a picture I had on my desk of a friend. It was a picture I took of David standing next to his car in winter. My coworker pointed at the picture and asked if he skied. I assumed he was asking because of David’s North Face coat and answered that he managed a North Face store. I realized later that he was pointing at the Thule rack on David’s car. The answer he was looking for was, “No. He bikes.” So why on earth am I still pulling out that brief, utterly forgettable conversation? I made a simple mistake. I’m sure the coworker forgot what I said the moment I walked away. I still want to go back and correct my blunder. According to my sponsor, this is living in perfectionism. This makes sense. I want to let this crap go.

New work, new growth

I missed my Thursday night meeting last week due to illness. (I'm doing fine now. yeah!) It felt weird not to go. Since I started that meeting in November I haven't missed a week. I want so badly for that meeting to get strong. It's still so tiny. Thursday night is a busy night for a lot of folk so they come when they can. HP willing I'll be there tomorrow.

I slacked off on my reading and step work over the weekend. My food was fine, but my program suffered when I got sick. I became unwilling to pick up the literature I'm reading in the morning and before sleep. I was also unwilling to get out of bed on time Monday morning. I bed binged again. It feels just as crappy as binge eating emotionally. This is something I need to be willing to do. I'm starting my new role and would like to not fuck it up from the start.

I'm in my new role about 75% of my time as of today. I haven't officially been offered the job yet, but it's just a matter of HR getting the paperwork done. With any luck I'll start collecting the new improved salary next Tuesday. [fingers crossed] So this is scary. It's something I want and will be very good for me, but it is challenging and I'm supposed to hit the ground running. I got a virtual crash course in logging into the db remotely and kicking off jobs. With power comes responsibility. I could wipe out data by mistake very easily or turn off the server accidentally. Nothing permanent, but could impact the schedule in huge ways.

I've had to absorb a lot of information today about new concepts and a fledgling knowledge I haven't used since summer. I'm reluctant and a little anxious. I've tried to remember to turn it over to HP. Okay, face facts, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fail so I don't even want to begin. Okay, that's an old pattern. I need to be willing to take the leap and fail. I probably won't because I'm well suited for the position. I know these guys, they are happy to have me on the team, they will help me when I ask. I'm seeing my therapist tonight. I'll talk it out with her and maybe do some writing tonight.

On a happy note, one of my sponsees identified herself as a sponsor for the first time at a meeting. How cool is that? Scary too. When someone asks her to, she will try to tell them what I told her, based on what my sponsor told me. From the garbled results of the Telephone game we played as children, this should not work at all. Decades of recovery in AA and OA tell a different story. As long as sponsor refer back to the big book and humbly admit when we don't know or aren't sure it seems to work. I'm proud of her and a little proud of me. One day I'll be a grand-sponsor. I feel way too new in the program to have a grand-sponsee. But then, I felt too new to be a sponsor the first time I said it too.

Fifth step from the other side

I'm hearing my first fifth step this afternoon. I've talked with my sponsor about it. I just need to pray and listen. I don't have to fix anything. I'm nervous though, because my sponsor was so awesome. She's had years of experience sponsoring and I knew I could not tell her anything she hadn't heard or done herself. I'm so new to this, I just want to keep myself out of it.

Good thing I have some cleaning to do before she arrives or I'd be a wreck. Must run, I have crap to pick up and vaccuming to do.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Today is the first anniversary of my commitment to abstinence. I’ve written about this a lot in the last few weeks so I won’t re-hash how I finally managed to make it stick. I feel like I should be wearing a party hat today. This is a huge milestone for me and I couldn’t feel prouder.

Thank you to everyone reading this. WIT has been a positive force in my recovery. I’ve met some wonderful people struggling with the same disease through this blog.

I’m so frick’n grateful today. I’ve been fighting with the food again lately, but today life is good. I did have to talk myself out of breakfast from McD by way of celebration (I already had it this week, once is all I get). As soon as I decided to eat oatmeal at the office I was glad.

Last night I journaled before bed. I wrote a list of things I’ve learned this year. Here are some of those things:

1. I never regret making the most loving choice.
2. Prayer really does work, even though I have no idea why.
3. It’s okay to feel pain.
4. Pain will fade if I allow myself to feel it.
5. Participating in my life makes time move slower and faster at the same time.
6. I can enjoy myself at parties without breaking my abstinence.
7. I cannot fix other people.
8. I cannot recover in isolation.
9. Sponsors really do get a lot from their sponsees.
10. Guilt is a form of fear. If I identify the fear within the guilt it goes away, either because I face the cause and change it or accept that there is nothing I can do to change it.
11. The Big Book is awesome.
12. Name it. Claim it. Dump it.
13. Meetings bring me sanity.
14. Doing steps 1, 2, 3 & 7 every morning in the shower starts my day on the right foot.
15. I am lovable, flaws and all.

New nephew

My sister had her baby on Friday. They are both healthy. I'd say more but she has asked me not to write about her and her kids. So I'll just continue to talk about me.

I took her oldest two boys on Friday and for most of the weekend. The not quite two-year-old wore me out. I'm going to take off Tuesday through Friday next week help my sis out.

This weekend really put my recovery in perspective for me. There is no way I could have done this last year. Well, I could have done it, but the kids would have miserable. Last September my knees hurt so badly on steps that I avoided going up to the second floor if I could. Yesterday I found myself running up the stairs for something. Me. Running. I wasn't even out of breath. Nor would we have taken so many walks. I had fun and I was present. Nor was I crabby, even though I had very little me time.

It was hard to be around so much sugary food. My brother-in-law bought donuts all three days I was there. Even the non-sugar snacks I prepared/distributed were kind of difficult. I understand more clearly the struggles moms have with food.

By Sunday it was easier, but I went to the other extreme. I almost forgot to feed  Monkey. His older brother had gone to the hospital with his dad. Monkey had bottles of formula, green juice or water all day, but we were so busy that I was getting ready to put him down for his afternoon nap when I realized I hadn't fed him since breakfast. D'oh!

There was one meal when my preoccupation with food made me regress a bit. I visited my sis and baby at the hospital Saturday late afternoon while BIL stayed home with the boys. On the way home I decided to have pizza and a salad delivered. The timing was perfect. By the time it arrived the boys had gone to the hospital again and Monkey was in bed. I was setting the table and savoring the solitary meal I was about to eat when my dad showed up. He came in, sat down and proceeded to babble on about his electric car club and stuff. He didn't want any pizza, but he sat there until I was done. I was so irritated. He gets on my nerves in the best of times, but there he was ruining my meal. Luckily about two-thirds into my meal I realized I was getting myself worked up over dashed expectations and a pizza. I was able to calm down and just go with it. I think he is lonely. Too bad he irritates the fuck out of me right now.

I've also been craving McD fries. I know it is just because I can't eat them. Stupid, sugar, stupid disease.

Fall session of Forrest yoga starts tonight at the park district. I'm excited about it, but I wish it started next week. I'm tired today.

Tomorrow is my one year abstinence anniversary. I'm proud of myself.

I don't even like Nibs that much

I've been getting some enthusiastic praise lately from fellow OAs, but I don't know how to react with grace. I worry that I'll get cocky and arrogant about my program, at the same time I reject their words as undeserved and incorrect.

I am working on simply saying "thank you" when I receive a complement. My urge is to explain why they are wrong. While rejecting compliments, I crave them. My gaping hole of need is a bottomless pit. Tell me how much you like/admire/value/respect/love me and I'll mentally follow you around like a puppy hoping for one more bite of your steak.

I'm glad talking with me seems to help some people. I do believe I can't keep what I don't give away. My program is shiny today. Working with a sponsee has been great. Steps One & Two are clear and vivid because I've re-read and reviewed them.

I had another bad dream about breaking my abstinence. Saturday morning I woke up depressed and desperate. The dream felt so real. How could I have thrown my recovery away for cold pop-tarts and a bag of Nibs. I panicked until I woke up enough to know it was only a dream.

It was a typical dream with hyper-realistic elements mixed up with surreal features. I was at a wedding reception sitting at a table with my dad (who was irritating the crap out of me, realistic) and a lady how was ordinary except for the space helmet she wore to filter contaminants out of the air. At some point prior to the party I had started the decent into madness by deciding I could eat the edges of a pop-tart as long as I didn't eat any filling or frosting. I ate the edges and then couldn't stop. I painfully ate bite after bite until it was gone. Had I broken my abstinence or was it just a slip? At the party I slipped away into a bathroom and started cramming Nibs into my mouth. Those little cherry licorice bits are dense and hard to chew, but I kept cramming them in. I could feel the texture, taste the sweetness and even smell them in my dream. I was so desperate. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't stop to even breath. I wondered if I would ever get my abstinence back. In the dream I was desperate and scared, feelings that stayed with me when I woke.

I wrote about another binge dream I had a while ago and learned that others have relapse dreams. It helps to know that. Even after I woke up and realized my abstinence was intact, I felt guilt and shame all day related to the dream. How crazy is that?

Six more pounds gone

I have now lost 64 pounds! Yeah! Six pounds since last month. What a relief. I was nervous about getting on the scale this morning.

I almost skipped breakfast this morning because I didn't want to eat anything before my monthly weigh-in. Last week I officially added three meals with nothing in between to my abstinence definition. I'd been doing the nothing in between for quite a while, but the three meals thing is new.

I'm not a breakfast person, especially when sugar is not involved at all. I don't like eggs and fruits can trigger cravings if I eat them in the morning. I've been eating a hot whole grain five grain cereal with cinnamon. It is tastier than oatmeal but takes longer to prepare, even in the microwave. Two days this week I've eaten a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Bagel with no egg from McD. This doesn't break my abstinence, but it doesn't feel good. I feel guilty about it. I almost didn't share it, but decided to come clean.

When I only lost a pound last month I was freaked out. It forced me to look at my portions and choices. I can't continue to eat the same large meals and continue to lose weight. So I've started cutting out some of the little extras I've been eating. No extra rolls with my salads, no extra taco, and no more small cheese quesedilla with my burrito bowl. It is an emotional neediness I'm still trying to fill with food.

I'm doing really well and am healthier than I've been in a long time. My cravings are manageable and I'm at home in my body, I'm clear and feeling balanced emotionally, and I'm getting more comfortable with my HP. I'm also still completely insane about food and my weight.

I'm so glad I choose to eat breakfast today. How far am I willing to go today for recovery? I'm willing to stick to my food plan even when I don't want to. That feels good.

I've been reluctant to share WIT with my new sponsoree. I wasn't sure that sharing all my crazy with her was a good idea. Honestly, I'm afraid if she reads my blog she'll realize how unsure I am and not want me to sponsor her anymore. Last night I decided to email her a link to WIT. I'm supposed to share how I found recovery. This blog is a big part of that. It is the most consistent journaling I've ever done. My home is cluttered with journals I've started, only to discard before filling a tenth of the pages.

I'm still afraid, but it's an emotion. It will pass. I think I need to put it out there. She may not read it. She may decide I'm too crazy to help her. Or it could help her understand the program better than I can tell her. It is a record of my program since November 2005, therefore it is a record of my experience, strength and hope. I'll send the email today and let the fear go.

New beginnings

So I think it went okay with my new sponsee. I’m beating myself up about the things I should have said or wish I said better. I also talked too much. I’ll go over all of that with my sponsor and then let it go.

In the moment it is hard for me to remember that I don’t have to be perfect. In theory I know how to sponsor, but in reality I’ll have to practice and deal with mistakes. I still make so many mistakes in my own program, it was silly to believe I could share it with anyone without flaw.

On an OA friend's suggestion I reread the sponsoring pamphlet from OA and read the AA 12 & 12 for the first time last night. These will definitely help. I've had that pocket-sized 12 & 12 for over a year, but I never read it until last night. I'm excited to read the rest.

Maybe I need a touchstone or cheat sheet to hold on to when talking with sponsees. This is what I would write on it today:

• Ask HP for help
• It’s not about me
• Don’t pontificate
• Use my weakness to illustrate
• Go to the literature

What would you write on your sponsoring touchstone?