Whatever it takes

Until it is not about the food

Almost two weeks now of abstinent eating. Doing okay with it. Even letting go of some of the crazy about losing weight. (Am I skinny yet? I've been on my food plan for 13 days! Why aren't my pants loose already?) Trying to surrender the crazy along with the control over the food.

My hard drive in my work laptop died yesterday. It just wouldn't boot up. Now I have it back with a new hard drive, most of my old data and missing all the non-standard apps I use daily. I was just getting Office 2007 customized to be usable and now I have to start over. I was on XP and got to skip Vista entirely, so that is good, but everything is so foreign on this OS. What does this have to do with OA? Everything. This is life. Not a huge dramatic issue, but it could be if I was in the food. I could be weeping and wailing to everyone. Okay I did mention it, but it was hard not to when I was without a computer for 6 hours and had to borrow people's machines to check my email during that time. And I'm writing about it here. So it is a big deal, but I think I'm making a normal person big deal, not crazy lady big deal. 

The other thing that is related to my program is that I was really afraid that an action of mine had killed it*. I wanted to hide what I had done. I wanted to protect myself from blame for ruining a laptop. I wanted to stay in bed and pretend the world was not going on without me. But I didn't, I got up and got to work and talked with the local tech support and confessed my crime. She said she didn't think I had caused it; the laptop model I have is old and all of them are starting to have hard drive and other hardware issues. I'm so glad I confessed! I left a message about it for my sponsor on the drive in and realized how badly I wanted to keep it a secret. This is the type of thing I eventually eat over and never see the connection. 

I have way too many of these petty secrets. I lug around a ton of guilt and shame from four decades of living. How many of those are misplaced? The biggest revelation for me in OA is how many things I'm wrong about. Everywhere I turn I've made faulty assumptions or been taught lies. The more I talk with other OAs the clearer the wrongheadedness becomes.

* I used canned air to clean the keyboard for the first time. The buttons were getting crunchy. I must have tipped the can because I froze some of the keys. They got frosty. It was right over the hard drive. The PC was on all day after that, but next time I turned on it couldn't boot.

Precarious balance

Fear of changing how I handle everything. I'm either doing it or not. I'm either living a god-conscience life or I'm not. If I'm not actively seeking HP in every aspect of my life I'm sliding toward my disease and all of its many traps.

I'm afraid of doing my job well and getting more responsibility (and more chances to fail.)
I'm afraid of committing to a food plan.
I'm afraid of who I am without the habits of a lifetime.

Change is hard. Eating the way I should takes effort, planning and discipline. Going to work on time every day and working with best effort and integrity is exhausting. Exercising is time consuming and painful and I never get to a point where it is energizing and feels good. Reaching out to people decreases my Me Time. Connecting with people takes time and effort; it is emotionally risky.

Recently I heard someone say that motivation comes from taking action, not from thinking. This goes with what my first sponsor says, "Take an action, any action. Even if it is the wrong action, do something." The Big Book is loaded with action. My shrink talks to me about going above knowledge. Knowledge is a trap that is hard to get out of. Just as food can easily displace my HP, so can knowledge.

I know a lot about OA and about the 12 steps. When I started OA I bought all the literature and studied hard. I researched, I spent hours every day reading and looking for program blogs to read. I wanted to become an expert so I would know what to do. Knowledge often takes the place of my HP. I want to think about things, talk about what I should do, mull it over. I'm afraid to take action though. What if I do it wrong? What if it doesn't work? What if it does work? All the while I'm still living in my own head.

Right now, writing this post I'm in my own head. I started writing this morning just to exercise my demons. Maybe I'd send it to my sponsor or maybe I'd just delete it like I do most of the time. But writing is a tool, so I'm not going to get too hung up on it right now. Since I'm already typing it out, maybe someone will identify with it to. So I'll post it.

I'm afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. I know what happens when I don't take action. That is where I am now. I've been here many times. It isn't great, but it is familiar. If only surrendering to HP was a one-time action, like jumping out of an airplane. It takes a lot of guts and faith, but once out the door the decision is made. Instead it is like a little switch that I have to keep resetting and watch for changes. If I don't pay attention it will switch off. Maybe instead of a switch it is a lever I have to keep pressure on. Like the short end of a see-saw. All my experience in this disease and habits of a lifetime are on the long end. In order to have balance I need to put more pressure on the short side. Spiritually I'm a light-weight. I have to use the tools, connect with OAs and work my steps to keep the pressure steady. If I stop paying attention the balance disappears and the long end hits the dirt.

I want to believe that with practice and time the apex of my teeter-totter will move closer to the middle as I experience more life in recovery. It is daunting to think it will always be this hard to stay god-conscience. Which is probably why we must focus only on today. All I can do is work OA to the best of my ability today. Right now that requires constant attention. Exhausting.

Connecting to my group

I'm still floundering, but I've started reaching out to meeting members. I feel a strong connection to the people coming regularly to my Wednesday night meeting. I want to practice a strong program and I know that to do that I have to call people. A lot of people. This will help me and help them and I'd hate to lose any of them. 

I'm excited to do this. If it occurs to me to call someone I want to do it right away before I give myself a reason to delay. I left a message for my sponsor (day 2 in a row) and called one person from Wednesday night. I thought of another person to call and didn't. I plan to call her tomorrow. 

I can do this and I want to. I need to call people and not talk about myself. This will grow my spiritual fitness. I'm excited about it and don't want to analyze it too much. I'm tired of hanging out in my own head. I want to surrender and just do the next loving thing.

On that note, it is past my bedtime so I have to go, but I thought of posting and didn't want to put this off either. This post isn't as thoughtful as usual. Maybe that is a good thing. I need to get back to using writing as a tool as well as the telephone.

Thanks to everyone's continued support. 

Still stagnant

Sigh.

It has been really hard for me to work my program lately. I still go to meetings and take calls. I even make calls. I've called my sponsor more in the last few weeks than I have for a long time. I'm just not feeling it.

I feel irritated by fellow OAers who don't stay consistent in meeting attendance. So many regulars aren't showing up anymore. It's frustrating. I really don't want to carry the key or lead meetings every week. I don't like being the only sponsor at a meeting. I much prefer my Sunday meeting where there are often 12 people and 9 are sponsors. I've grown impatient with those who haven't moved forward in their programs. There are so many people who are afraid to sponsor because they don't feel good enough. Nobody would ever sponsor if that were the criteria.

So what's going on that I want to take everybody's inventory but my own? I haven't moving in step 9 for months. Sure I do living amends all the time, just did some today. But I need to find someone I worked for 21 years ago and I don't really want to put in the time and effort.

Also still farting around with food plan changes. My food got a bit loosey-goosey for a bit there. I've been losing and gaining the same two pounds for months now. My food is clean this week and that feels better.

I talked my attitude over with my sponsor. She says I'm totally normal and this is a normal phase in my program. It feels good to be average. I resent like hell that the same effort I put in for the last few years isn't enough to keep me abstinent now, but it is awesome that I'm just an average compulsive overeater and this this too shall pass. I just have to keep showing up and working to the best of my ability each day.

Ugh. I read an article on becoming an early morning person instead of a night owl. I think I need to implement the steps. The main changes would be getting up at the same time even on weekends (Yuck!) and on awakening go outside for a 30 minute walk (What? Yuck, yuck, yuck!) There are a few other things, but those are the two that would be the biggest changes. I say I want to get to work on time consistently and become reliable. I'm I willing to actually make the changes that would make that happen?

Stay tuned...

Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two

My name is Dodi and I'm a compulsive overeater.

Oh yes indeed I am. Before I promised not to research thyroid issues anymore I read that there are four types of thyroid cancer and the one of them is really bad with no treatment. My first thought after, "I'm dying" was "If I'm dying can I eat sugar again?" Seriously.

I started trying to figure out if I would need to stay abstinent if there was no hope. I can see that if I have something that must be fought I absolutely have to maintain abstinence. I'm helpless in the food and could never do whatever needed doing. But if there was nothing I could do, could I indulge? I could just give up and slip back into a candy-coated oblivion.

My sponsor pointed out that OA has ruined bingeing for me. She said that I would never get that same relief from food again. I believe her. It had lost much of it's power in the months before I finally got abstinent. So that kind of sucks. I'm in the game now like it or not.

The ultrasound was quick. I almost started crying during the procedure. I'm frightened of the results and desperately wanted the technician to say that everything was fine. Of course she couldn't say a thing, but I tried anyway. I should hear the results sometime this week.

I've tried not to talk about it much. After my first panic and desire to scream it from the rooftops I settled down and have worked to not be a drama queen. Which, if you knew me from before program very different behavior for me. Sure I blogged it, but I'm not calling you to talk endlessly about how sick I could be and how awful it is...blah, blah blah.

Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot to me.

Ignore the man behind the curtain

Things are a bit crazed at work. Well, to be fair, things are crazed in my head at work. My supervisor is out this afternoon and tomorrow because of a death in the family and I'm trying to do both our jobs. So, of course I am frozen with paralysis and am writing a blog entry instead of working on the two dozen tasks I must complete in the next two hours. Oh, and I just finished copying this recipe for homemade laundry detergent (powdered version, although the gel-like substance is tempting) into my organizer. It is that old pal instant gratification that makes me want to run over to Super Target right now and buy the ingredients. The need to get all this stuff and try it out right now had completely erased the stress of what I'm avoiding (for about two minutes).

Big focus on letting go of perfectionism and not being afraid to fuck up today. Willinginess to fail is a major hurdle for me. My pride is in the way. I should not make mistakes. I should be perfect.

Multiple prayers so far today. Many more to come I'm sure. I can feel tension in my shoulders and neck as I sit here. I should probably take ten minutes to go deep breath and stretch my neck. Gaak! I just want to crawl up in a ball under my desk until Wednesday. Instead I will finish this post then I will tackle the next thing on my list. One task at a time, one moment at a time.

Not alone anymore

I just had a minor ah-ha moment. I was mentally writing a blog post. (I’m pretty sure I did this before I had a blog too. I carefully craft the story in the foreground while furiously editing in the background. I’m not sure who my audience was pre-blog, but I don’t think it was me.) I was telling the story of how terrified I am at the thought of dating and how a conversation this weekend had challenged my perspective.* While deciding which blog to post to I questioned whether this was program-crazy or normal-crazy. This is a huge change from my pre-program days. Before OA I assumed that all my craziness was uniquely mine. Now I ask whether it is addict specific or if most people feel this way.

Now I find myself asking other program people of things are normal. I learned while sharing my fifth step that much I knew to be true was not. I don't question every feeling, thought and action like it did in the aftermath, but I don't assume I know what's normal anymore.

I am growing out of my terminal uniqueness and I’m thrilled.

*A poker buddy just ended a long-term relationship and was talking about the dates he has setup through a singles site. I said something about how hard it must be and he said no, he was quite enjoying himself. What? Dating can be fun? Really? I’m so freaked out about how crazy I’m likely to be in any attempted relationship and what an ass I’ve been before in any romantic endeavor that I’ve forgotten that it is supposed to be fun. D'oh!

But I don't want to

I've been struggling with getting to work at the expected time for years now. I've prayed for the willingness to be willing, I've tried to turn it over to HP. I've had sporadic success. I'm struggling and wailing and moaning. I'm starting to see that I am the same as those who are struggling with their food week after week. I was getting frustrated listening to it. "Stop talking about it and do it," I thought. Stop struggling and just let it go. Hard to see it until it's done. Impossible to describe.

When a friend challenged me to really use all the tools to get to work on time I resisted. In that moment I knew I was not really willing to let that behavior go. I still like enough about it that I am not willing to work to change it. Just like with food, I want to get the benefits of abstinence without changing anything in my life.

I need to take definite actions to change this behavior. I need to use all the tools and work the steps on this. I know that when I do, the changes will happen. I know it. I've seen it. It scares me. As miserable as I am, I can't quite comprehend life without it. Before I stopped eating sweets I thought life without sugar would not be worth living. I knew that was crazy, but it felt true. I did it anyway. I surrendered the sweets. That was over two years ago. I've now lived through three Halloweens without candy; each year better than the last.

HP, please give my the willingness and ability to surrender all my shortcomings which stand between me and grace.

Going through the motions

I went to lunch with an OA buddy today. It was fun. It was also good to talk program with a peer. She told me I have a vacation hangover. She is right. I’m so tired and unmotivated. I spent too much time sleeping and watching DVDs last week, now it is all I want to do. It was really hard to get out of bed today. Harder than it was Monday or Tuesday. My supervisor just said the same, so I can’t blame it on my disease. He is having motivation issues today and he’s pretty sane.

Fear has been a recurrent theme in my program this week. I need to take more risks at work. I’m not taking up some responsibilities I ought to for fear of mistakes. I must learn to accept and possibly embrace my own mistakes. As flawed as I know I am, I am unforgiving when I am not perfect. I still think I can do things perfectly. I put off decisions, even tiny ones, because I’m not absolutely sure I’m making the right choice.

Last week I was shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond and got into a brief conversation about drapes with a guy. He was looking for 96” drape length and the store only had 84”. My next stop was Best Buy and as I was ogling the big screen LCDs I realized that the ogler next to me was the same guy. After I accused him of stalking he said he had no luck with the drapes and did I know some place that he could find them. All I could think of were Pottery Barn ($$$) and JC Pennys. So normal chit-chat with strangers, right? No big deal? Later that I night I remembered that IKEA carries a lot of long drapes. D’oh! I woke up the next morning berating myself for not thinking of it at the time and feeling guilty. This isn’t even a real mistake, just a lapse in memory. Yet I added it to my list of things to feel bad about. I’m still wincing about it a week later and wishing I could let the guy know. He probably found some the next day and has moved on. I am still on my own shit list over it. And I know it. I talked about it twice now. So now I’ve written it.

HP, please let me get over myself and let it go.

99 and counting

I weighed in on Saturday and was happy to see four more pounds gone. I have now lost 99 pounds since coming to Overeaters Anonymous. The mind boogles.

I don’t think I wrote a post last time I weighed in. I wrote an email to my sponsor and then couldn’t bring myself to write about it again. I stayed the same last month. It was disappointing, but not surprising. As the weather grew colder and the days shorter my diet became unusually carb-rich and I played with the portion sizes. I felt like nothing would be enough so I choose the biggest, heaviest items from my typical rotation. This included ditching the salad I try to eat for a meal once a day. After weighing in the same last month I got a better balance going, hence the four pounds lost.

I’m quite excited by the number 99. Unless I go bat-shit-crazy I’ll be in the triple digits by New Years. I’m not sure what my goal weight is. I may never get to the ideal number for my height. I think I would be ecstatic to weigh around 160. I’m still way to far away from that and intend to follow a doctor’s advice when the time comes. So, if 160 is my ideal, I’m no longer morbidly obese. Obese, but not morbidly obese. Woo Hoo! It really depends on what calculations are used. Most web sites (of the six or so I just googled) say I should be 122 - 149 pounds.

I’m used to thinking of myself as “large framed” or “big-boned,” but I’m probably average. Before puberty and before I started gaining weight my mom made a big deal about buying me “slim” jeans. Since that was before I got hips I’m pretty sure I’m just plain old medium framed. Wouldn’t that be amazing? To be average and blend in with the crowd would be awesome. This brings me to program. Through the steps I’m learning humility. I no longer need to be the best or the worst. I can simply be and know that I am one of many, no better or worse than others. It will be nice when my body become average too.

I haven’t posted much at either of my blogs lately. I screwed up my brain chemistry getting the Halloween costumes ready in time and have been in relapse depression. The good news is that I recognized the symptoms quite early and sought help. Before OA I never recognized my depression until I hit rock bottom and then it was too hard to ask for help. This time I called to make an earlier appointment even though my regular visit was less than a week away. My Welbutrin dosage was increased and I should feel better as early as Wednesday.

I wish Dr. L would stop freaking me out about the potential side-effect of seizures. I’m also not fond of the strange sensations in my brain that occur during dosage changes. Like a headache, but unaffected by OTC remedies. I feel off balance, but just slightly and my head feels two sizes larger. But this is normal for me when Dr. L tweaks my meds. Unpleasant as it is, he seems to know what he’s doing so I’ll just turn that over.