Whatever it takes

Pen to paper

I'm struggling. I need to do the writing my sponsor told me I should do last week. I haven't yet. I know I should surender and just do the next thing, but I don't. I'm on step three. I need to just do the work and get on with it.

I've written a lot of posts that never make it online. I kind of poop out before finishing or decide that what I've written is more a rant than anything useful so I delete it.

My Wednesday night meeting finally moved to a new church in a neighboring town. It's got heat and everything! No more getting there early to turn the oven on to take the edge off. The lighting is good too. It's awesome that others have taken responibility for getting things done. I don't think anyone thinks of it as my meeting anymore and that is a very good thing. It has a life of it's own now. I love that.

It is so hard to make the connection between the actions (or inaction) I take and my connection to god. It's better now that I can think of my higher power as the god of my experience. No matter what debates I cling to over theology, my experience of praying and turning things over is enough basis for faith that it works.

I'm glad I have a meeting to go to tonight.

It's just you and me kid. Or, um, just me I guess.

Another first for me last night; someone texted all through a meeting. Not just one or two messages, an ongoing conversation from opening to closing. The kicker here is that it was just the two of us! Just me and my multi-tasking new friend.

I don't even like to see people knitting during a meeting. I go to a meeting to connect with others in recovery. I suppose I understand the motivation at retreats and conference where you sit for hours listening to speakers, but in a one hour meeting is it really necessary to multitask like that? I'm making judgments here, but I might as well stay home if I put that kind of boundary around myself in the rooms.

If I could find a way to read a book, play WoW*, and watch a movie all at the same time I'd never leave my lazy-boy. I'd get the same neutral disconnection I get from binging. Ha! Just had a flash of that Seinfeld episode where George is eating sandwiches during sex.

* That would be World of Warcraft. I'm a level 50 Troll Hunter. For the Horde!

Connecting to my group

I'm still floundering, but I've started reaching out to meeting members. I feel a strong connection to the people coming regularly to my Wednesday night meeting. I want to practice a strong program and I know that to do that I have to call people. A lot of people. This will help me and help them and I'd hate to lose any of them. 

I'm excited to do this. If it occurs to me to call someone I want to do it right away before I give myself a reason to delay. I left a message for my sponsor (day 2 in a row) and called one person from Wednesday night. I thought of another person to call and didn't. I plan to call her tomorrow. 

I can do this and I want to. I need to call people and not talk about myself. This will grow my spiritual fitness. I'm excited about it and don't want to analyze it too much. I'm tired of hanging out in my own head. I want to surrender and just do the next loving thing.

On that note, it is past my bedtime so I have to go, but I thought of posting and didn't want to put this off either. This post isn't as thoughtful as usual. Maybe that is a good thing. I need to get back to using writing as a tool as well as the telephone.

Thanks to everyone's continued support. 

Still stagnant

Sigh.

It has been really hard for me to work my program lately. I still go to meetings and take calls. I even make calls. I've called my sponsor more in the last few weeks than I have for a long time. I'm just not feeling it.

I feel irritated by fellow OAers who don't stay consistent in meeting attendance. So many regulars aren't showing up anymore. It's frustrating. I really don't want to carry the key or lead meetings every week. I don't like being the only sponsor at a meeting. I much prefer my Sunday meeting where there are often 12 people and 9 are sponsors. I've grown impatient with those who haven't moved forward in their programs. There are so many people who are afraid to sponsor because they don't feel good enough. Nobody would ever sponsor if that were the criteria.

So what's going on that I want to take everybody's inventory but my own? I haven't moving in step 9 for months. Sure I do living amends all the time, just did some today. But I need to find someone I worked for 21 years ago and I don't really want to put in the time and effort.

Also still farting around with food plan changes. My food got a bit loosey-goosey for a bit there. I've been losing and gaining the same two pounds for months now. My food is clean this week and that feels better.

I talked my attitude over with my sponsor. She says I'm totally normal and this is a normal phase in my program. It feels good to be average. I resent like hell that the same effort I put in for the last few years isn't enough to keep me abstinent now, but it is awesome that I'm just an average compulsive overeater and this this too shall pass. I just have to keep showing up and working to the best of my ability each day.

Ugh. I read an article on becoming an early morning person instead of a night owl. I think I need to implement the steps. The main changes would be getting up at the same time even on weekends (Yuck!) and on awakening go outside for a 30 minute walk (What? Yuck, yuck, yuck!) There are a few other things, but those are the two that would be the biggest changes. I say I want to get to work on time consistently and become reliable. I'm I willing to actually make the changes that would make that happen?

Stay tuned...

Falling

I think my annual autumn depression is trying to lay claim to my soul. I’m out of sorts when nothing is different. I’m getting a bit stressed about running out of time to make my nephew’s Halloween costume, which could be contributing to my exhaustion. It’s probably allergies too. I take Claritin every day in every season except winter. It takes the edge off all be the worst symptoms, but I get tired. Compared to bronchitis and sinus misery it is a fine trade off.

I spoke at my Thursday night meeting last week. It was a crazy work week and I went directly from a go!go!go! work day to the meeting. I prayed before hand to be useful and according to one person I was. That is all I can hope for, but it felt awful at the time. Once others shared I finally felt the sanity and serenity I find at meetings. I felt then that I was ready to talk. To bad I’d already rambled for 30 minutes. The longer I’m in program, the more info I feel compelled to share. Next time I’m asked to speak I must remember to take time to get serene before the meeting.

I wanted to prepare for speaking this time. The first time I spoke my sponsor would not let me prepare. I still think that is a good policy, but I wanted to look at some old posts and see some progress I could talk about. I took literally two minutes before rushing to the meet to look back. I started WIT in November 2005. I skimmed a few posts and was dismayed to see that I’m struggling with the same crap now that I was almost two years ago: late bills, focusing at work, procrastination, stalling on steps and over-sleeping. It freaked me out a bit. I thought I had made so much progress, but it didn’t look like it in my blog. So I called my sponsor.

I still struggle with calling her. When my sponsees have trouble picking up the phone I can relate absolutely. When I talk with her I feel better. She always says something helpful, even if she is simply agreeing that something sucks. But I’m always making excuses when it comes to calling her. I’m trying to push past those excuses. If I think I should call her, I do it. So I called her Thursday night on my drive from work to the meeting I was to speak at. She told me it was all about degree. She was still dealing with the same character defects from 19 years ago, but to a much smaller degree. I can see this is true with me. Yes, I still pay some bills late, and I need to stop that, but I set up most of my bills to auto-pay so there are only three bills I need to worry about each month.

My character defects are still there, they always will be. But the degree to which they control my life is so much less than it was two years ago. I have made progress and all I need think about today is today.

Trusting HP and the steps

I feel like I'm distanced from recovery right now. I skipped my Sunday night meeting to attend a BBQ with some high school friends. I told my sponsor and a few others that I would not be there, but it felt odd at 5pm not to be sitting in that slightly moldy basement around a kid-height table covered with glitter and goo. I had a very nice time with my friends, but it was outside my routine.

I haven't been getting very many calls and I haven't made many. I know I rely too much on others calling me. I get out of the habit. I'm glad there is a meeting tonight.

Ninety-three pounds lost feels really good. I still don't have a good sense of how big I am compared to others. I'm more present in my body since I was a kid, but I now feel smaller than I am. It's all very confusing. I'm wearing a faux-suede jacket today that I bought when I lost 80-some pounds in WW. It was still too small this spring, which is weird because I've shrunk out of so much other stuff from that time. It still feels snug in the shoulders. I cannot remember if it fit snug when I got it. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but it bothers me.

My weight is slowly and steadily decreasing, but I still expect more dramatic changes as I transition seasonal clothing. Sigh. Yet it is nice to believe that come summer again if my clothes do not fit it will be because it is too big. I must continue to work the steps and use the tools of OA. I know beyond doubt that this works.

Four pounds less, Happy Birthday to me

I've lost four more pounds. I have now lost 93 pounds. I'm really happy about that. So far I haven't gotten freaky about how close to 100 pounds I am. Maybe I got that out of my system a few months ago, or it could hit me when I least expect it. For today, right now, I am content with myself exactly as I am.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It was a nice day. I didn't have any plans, but that was fine with me. I had no expectations for the day and so just relaxed and went with the flow. I read in the morning, went to my favorite eating hole for lunch, bought some thread for my new sewing machine and went to my sister's house. I hung out there for a bit, then took the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble they gave me and went shopping. I bought a globe, a laminated map of Illinois for the car, three CDs, and a sewing book. I love shopping with gift certificates. I'm getting more disciplined too, I only had to add $3.33 to complete the transaction. I used to spend at least 50% more than the gift amount.

Then I went back to my sister's house to swim and eat. She ordered pizza and salad. She put candles on the candle and they all sang Happy Birthday to me (the neighbors were over too). It was nice to have pizza out. I've been wanting it (yes, it is on my food plan), but I tend to over eat it. It's nice to have a portion, then not have any left overs. I did eat it rather fast though, because by the time it arrived I had 15 minutes to eat before I had to go home to catch my ride to a meeting.

Yes, I went to a meeting on my birthday. I haven't been to that meeting in over two years. A friend invited me to go with them and I accepted. It felt right to go. I'm so grateful for my life right now and it is all due to the program. The speaker was great and I saw a few people I knew. The topic was steps 8 & 9.

At first I was disappointed because I had just gone over step 8 on Sunday with my sponsor. It was good though, because it reminded me that I need to start making my step 9 amends now. I don't want to sit here at 9 for a year like I did for 8.

There are some amends that I thought I would not have to make that I do. There some amends I thought I would have to make that I don't. It's hard to think of the financial amends I owe. It is hard for me to let go of money. I can tell that I will feel better when they are done. I'm relieved I don't owe amends to my dad. I need to find a way to forgive him, but that is part of my self-amends. I am to write letters to my parents explaining what I needed to get from them that I did not. It is not to be given to them, it is for me to work through it.

I'm glad I got step eight done before my birthday. I feel clean. I was starting to beat myself up over my lack of forward progress. The speaker last night reminded me that it is after the ninth step that the obsession with food shall be lifted. My sponsor had reminded me that the promises are at the end of step nine, but I hadn't thought specifically about food.

I had some insanity yesterday at lunch about food. I had planned to get one of my usual meals at the cafe. Standing in line it felt like there would not be enough. I wanted more than one dish. I wanted a bit of everything. I tried to convince myself that having a pretzel roll on my birthday was acceptable, even though bread as a side is specifically not in my plan. I wanted to treat myself to excess food on my birthday. Knowing how crazy that is doesn't stop me. "Self-knowledge avails us nothing." I don't remember thinking of any specific tools, but I did order one of my usuals. I did however order extra chips. "It's my birthday, I can't have cake but I can eat extra potato chips." Not the worse thing in the world, but not sane either. I was, of course, stuffed when I finished. The portions were, as usual, big and filling.

I'm going to my usual Tuesday night meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think I should add in extra meetings occasionally, it adds some zest.

Clay feet baby

Suddenly I really want to skip my meeting tonight. I really don't want to go. I want to test drive cars instead. The sun is shining for the first time in about a week.

I know that when I don't want to go is when I need to go most. I rarely ever skip meetings. People would notice and question me. I don't think I'm hiding or anything. Of course I never seem to realize stuff like that until later. Sigh. I should call someone. They'll just tell me to go. Usually the only time I miss is when I'm sick. I'm not sick. I want to play hooky.

Update: I went to the meeting. I didn't call anyone until I'd already decided to go. I couldn't think of anyone with strong recovery who would tell me to skip. I've very glad I did. There were two newcomers and we were locked out of our regular room. Our literature was locked in too, so we ended using the bag from another meeting I had in my trunk.

Big crowd

The meeting last night was great! It was a speaker meeting and I really talked it up at my other meetings. There were ten of us last night, one newcomer and four people who'd never been to that meeting before. Some said they would be back. Yah! For about a month there have been two or three of us. I need that meeting to thrive because I need that meeting.

I also committed to going to this month's intergroup meeting. It's the third Saturday. I'm doing better this year at acting upon the decisions I made at the OA conference. I've signed up for a big book weekend. I've talked to my sponsor more in the past week than I have in the past month. I've added morning reading into my day.

I've been reading the AA 12 & 12. This is such a good book. It's more straight forward than the Overeaters Anonymous 12 & 12. The OA version is nice because it talks specifically about food, but the AA version is clearer and stronger. I want all my sponsees to get a copy so we can use it for step work. Now I know where my sponsor gets it from.

I feel clearheaded and awake today. I love Overeaters Anonymous. This program has saved my life.

Trudging the road of happy destiny

I'm happy today.

I woke up easily this morning. I even took 10 minutes to read in AA 12&12 before getting up. I know I’ve read parts of it before, but I’m really getting a lot from it this time around. I bought a new copy in Milwaukee because I’ve misplaced my original. I’ve got a strong OA glow going and I’m hoping to build some new habits before I slide back into life without program people surrounding me 24/7.

The conference was fantastic. I really connected with people this year. I got some phone numbers and email addresses and I intend to use them. I also want to get involved at the inter group level.

I went to my 5pm meeting last night, even though I was driving, in the rain, from 1pm until I pulled into the parking lot at 4:55. Our reading referenced the promises, which I read twice and heard a speaker talk about how each one has unfolded in her life.

Some people at the meeting didn’t know there even were promises; one was a sponsee of mine. How is that possible? I’m talking about the ones mentioned with steps 8 and 9, “you will be amazed before you are half way through.” She said I didn’t tell her to read it yet. She just got to step 8 and since I haven’t done 8 I haven’t told her to keep reading. I feel like I’ve cheated my sponsees if they haven’t read the BB at least to the promises. I know there are promises with every step; I’m just most familiar with the ones of pages 83 and 84. I’m glad the meeting I started is a BB study. I must remember to point to the promises as we work the steps. In case you don’t have a Big Book here it is online. Read Chapter 6 Into Action.

I’m signing up for a Big Book study in June. What a great book! I’ll try to get my sponsees to join me. I didn't alway like the BB, but I like it better every time I read it these days.