Whatever it takes

Big Big Book

I ordered a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition in large print. I've been looking for one for a while and could never find one for sale. Now I know that it is out of print. So I ordered a used one from Amazon. There are a ton listed. There are probably a lot on ebay too. I bought one for $5 (+$3.99 S+H). There were cheaper ones, but I wanted one that promised no highlighting or underlining. I like to do the underlining myself.

I first saw a large print version at a Big Book study. The leader had one. Now that I'm wearing my reading glasses more and more, I thought I could justify it. The lighting at my BB study meeting is somewhat unreliable.

I already have a few versions of the BB. In addition to compulsive eating I'm also a somewhat compulsive shopper and collector of stuff. I have the standard soft cover, a hard cover version, a paperback study version (with space for notes, got it at the BB study weekend as part of the package) and a tiny paperback version that only has the first section, no stories.

I'm totally excited to get my new big BB. I'll probably order one to donate to the meeting too. I'm not the only person in the reading glasses set.

Big Book page 544

I'm doing better. I've gotten to work on time yesterday and today (well, within 15 minutes after 9am, which is on time here). I read Freedom from Bondage in the Big Book this morning. I've read and heard parts of this story before (especially page 551-2), but I cannot remember reading it all before.

So many things struck me in this densely packed story. Here is one:

"...I am the result of the way I reacted to what happened to me as a child. What is much more important to me, A.A. has taught me that through this simple program I may experience a change in this reaction pattern that will indeed allow me to 'match calamity with serenity.'"
BB Pg 544

If I can keep the principles (steps) in mind throughout my day it would certainly change the way I act. I think the trick is to actively practice acting with HP in mind on the little things, so that when the calamitous events unfold my reactions will tend toward HP too. Reacting can be an instinct level impulse, to change it I must be willing to surrender the things that get between me and HP.

Not like me

“Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.”

- from Step Ten of the AA Twelve & Twelve

Isn’t it cool that program literature frequently parallels current situations, emotions or thoughts? Only recently have I started to see others as vulnerable, flawed people. All my life I’ve assumed everyone had life figured out better than I do. As I mature and my focus shifts outside myself more, I can see that everyone else is making it up as they go along too.

Lately at work I watch the guys in charge as they work out problems or chit chat near my desk. It occurs to me that no matter how old they are, they probably aren’t that different than they were in their mid-twenties. Sure they have more experience and some of them have quite a lot of power, but they aren’t some other type of person. I have some nutty assumptions about the world. The steps and working my program have brought some of them out into the open for me to evaluate. Somehow I believed that grown ups, were somehow different, other, outside my understanding. This of course is nonsense.

I think I’m starting to understand people better which allows me to be kind and less angry. Now if I can just remember that before I get upset by stuff. I still tend to react to stressful situations. I may not act like I have in the past, at least not for very long, but it would be nice to head it off before it begins.

Real changes

On Saturday morning I ran into my first grade Sunday school teacher. She is a special lady and I’ve always felt connected with her. She must be 91 by now. When I think of people who practice what they preach religion-wise she is at the top of the list. For as long as I’ve known her she has worn her long white hair in a braid and coiled at the base of her skull. My mother washed and braided her hair for years in her basement beauty shop. When I she died my sister took over for her. Sis had been doing it whenever my mom was out of town and then when mom was sick, so it was natural.

All that exposition to explain that I don’t see Fran often, but my sister sees her every Saturday morning.  It was great to see her. She has always seen only the best in me. She told me how happy she was for me, how good I look and how proud of me she is. She said she asks about me every week and has been thrilled to hear that I’ve been happy. My sister told her I’ve been happy.

About six months into my abstinence I asked my sister if she had noticed how much I’ve changed. She told me she hadn’t noticed any changes except in my diet. This pissed me off. I’d made so many changes inside that I couldn’t believe she did not feel it too. This forced me to take an honest look at myself. I had to admit that none of my actions had changed, only my food plan.

Now I know that she has noticed real change in me. She noticed I am happier and told Fran about it. The only book she’s ever given me is “You Can Be Happy No Matter What”  she saw it in a store and thought of me. It pissed me off. I love getting books as gifts, but self-help books are double-edged. Loving Friend says, “I thought of you when I saw this book for fucked up people, just like you. Hope it fixes your problem.”

It’s nice to know that my happiness is not just an internal change.

Deeper into step 7

I think I've mentioned that I'm reading the AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in the morning and before bed. I'm getting a lot from it. I finished reading step seven this morning. I've got to make sure my sponsees read this book.  The OA 12 & 12 is wishy-washy compared to  AA 12 & 12.  Sure it's nice to read specific COE examples, but I don't remember anything so blunt as this. From Step 7 (emphasis mine):

"Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us. Then, in A.A., we looked and listened. Everywhere we saw failure and misery transformed by humility into priceless assets. We heard story after story of how humility had brought strength out of weakness. In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life."

In every case? This is comforting in a way. I've been in plenty of pain as a direct result of working the steps. I wasn't expecting it, I wouldn't have volunteered for it, but it has resulted in growth because I did not use over it. Suffering sucks, but because of OA the suffering ends. I don't think I've ever pushed through the pain of anything before. I used food to numb myself, therefore the pain was just shoved down with the junk food and festered.

After taking step five I was miserable. I discovered that I was mentally and physically abused by my parents. My world turned upside-down. I could not function. I called my sponsor in pain and told her I could not handle it. She told me to push through it. The pain would end if I let myself feel it. If I ate over it I would just have to live through it again later. I trusted her. I used the tools and I lived with the pain. She was right. In a few months I felt balanced again. Now I find myself more sensitive to abusive actions of others. But I'm not in that self-centered, fragile place anymore. Plus I can share with people that they probably will experience pain working the steps, but I can assure them that it does get better.

I'm really grateful for Overeaters Anonymous and for the experience, strength and hope that I've heard from others.

I was going to write about another passage, but I have to go to a meeting.

Trudging the road of happy destiny

I'm happy today.

I woke up easily this morning. I even took 10 minutes to read in AA 12&12 before getting up. I know I’ve read parts of it before, but I’m really getting a lot from it this time around. I bought a new copy in Milwaukee because I’ve misplaced my original. I’ve got a strong OA glow going and I’m hoping to build some new habits before I slide back into life without program people surrounding me 24/7.

The conference was fantastic. I really connected with people this year. I got some phone numbers and email addresses and I intend to use them. I also want to get involved at the inter group level.

I went to my 5pm meeting last night, even though I was driving, in the rain, from 1pm until I pulled into the parking lot at 4:55. Our reading referenced the promises, which I read twice and heard a speaker talk about how each one has unfolded in her life.

Some people at the meeting didn’t know there even were promises; one was a sponsee of mine. How is that possible? I’m talking about the ones mentioned with steps 8 and 9, “you will be amazed before you are half way through.” She said I didn’t tell her to read it yet. She just got to step 8 and since I haven’t done 8 I haven’t told her to keep reading. I feel like I’ve cheated my sponsees if they haven’t read the BB at least to the promises. I know there are promises with every step; I’m just most familiar with the ones of pages 83 and 84. I’m glad the meeting I started is a BB study. I must remember to point to the promises as we work the steps. In case you don’t have a Big Book here it is online. Read Chapter 6 Into Action.

I’m signing up for a Big Book study in June. What a great book! I’ll try to get my sponsees to join me. I didn't alway like the BB, but I like it better every time I read it these days.

New beginnings

So I think it went okay with my new sponsee. I’m beating myself up about the things I should have said or wish I said better. I also talked too much. I’ll go over all of that with my sponsor and then let it go.

In the moment it is hard for me to remember that I don’t have to be perfect. In theory I know how to sponsor, but in reality I’ll have to practice and deal with mistakes. I still make so many mistakes in my own program, it was silly to believe I could share it with anyone without flaw.

On an OA friend's suggestion I reread the sponsoring pamphlet from OA and read the AA 12 & 12 for the first time last night. These will definitely help. I've had that pocket-sized 12 & 12 for over a year, but I never read it until last night. I'm excited to read the rest.

Maybe I need a touchstone or cheat sheet to hold on to when talking with sponsees. This is what I would write on it today:

• Ask HP for help
• It’s not about me
• Don’t pontificate
• Use my weakness to illustrate
• Go to the literature

What would you write on your sponsoring touchstone?

Lifeline commitment

I just subscribed to Lifeline magazine for 3 years. I've been reading a lot of OA lit lately and seem to get more and more out of it. When I saw that they offer 1, 2, or 3 year subscriptions, my first reaction was that 3 years is a long time. But I'm in this for life right? And if I should relapse (knock wood) I'll get monthly reminders.

Plus, I've been going to meetings for over a year now and it just doesn't seem possible. Someone brought in a bunch of old copies a to a meeting a while ago. That was pretty cool. So if I ever overcome my pack-rat tendencies I can give my copies away.

I read a really cool pamphlet on Anonymity last night. I'm running into this topic a lot lately. I can see that I've broken anonymity traditions, especially in the early days. But also to some friends. I've heard, "When in doubt, leave it out." I'll try to be much better about it. Tradition three feels really important to me. I'm trying to remember some specifics of what struck me last night but I can't. Guess I'll have to read it again.

The Big Book - friend or foe

When I first started attending meetings a year ago I started reading everything OA I could get my hands on. Everything spoke to me except the AA Big Book. I think the first time I sat down with it I was following some advice from someone at a meeting. I had shared that I was unsure about finding a HP because I was agnostic. He told me to read "We Agnostics" in the Big Book. In fact he loaned me his copy.

So I went home and read it. I found the writing arogant, narrow-minded and unhelpful. The message I read was, "don't worry if you don't believe in a Christian God, if you do the twelve steps right, you will." Ick. Luckily I had already found a lot of the program I loved and could overlook this point of view. Even a couple years earlier this would have been reason enough for me to flee.

On Wednesday night I finished reading the OA handbook I bought to help me figure out what I need to do to get a meeting started. I wanted to do a bit of OA reading and the first thing I found was the Big Book. I figured it would put me to sleep as usual. This time I randomly picked a story from the back part. It was wonderful!

I couldn't stop. I read about four stories before I forced myself to put it down and go to sleep. When did it get so engrossing? How did it go from pompus to touching. I'm guessing it isn't the book that changed, but me. Not only do I relate more fully, I automatically switch the alcohol to food in my head. I truely know that the substance does not matter, the compulstion is the same. I'm also not distracted by the 12 step speak. I guess I've become fluent in OA.

Anyway, I plan to read all the stories in the big book. Then I'll give the first part of the book a second chance. Then I'm thinking I should start reading all the other OA books again. The first time through I was desperate and approaching the program in an intellectual way. Now I want to read with my current perspective. I'm abstinent, have a solid grasp on what my HP is and I'm not as defensive about my addiction as I was.

Apparently I'm now ready to use reading as a tool. I love OA and the sanity I find in it.

Passing for Thin again

I started re-reading Passing for Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding My Self by Frances Kuffel again today at lunch. This is the book that made me seriously look at Overeaters Anonymous as an option. I won't re-tell how I started in OA, but you can read this November post.

I had loaned my copy to a friend to read and when she returned it I left it in my car. This morning I forgot to grab a new book to start at lunchtime. So I decided to re-read Passing for Thin instead of buying a new book. I'm glad I'm reading it again. I'm even more engaged in it than the first time. First of all, I was completely into food for the first reading and I'm abstinent now. Second, I've been attending OA meetings for a year now. It's like a long, articulate speaker meeting. I recognize the OA recovery of the writer even though I haven't gotten to the part of the memoir where she starts OA.

This isn't an official OA book, but it is by an OA member. Although she broke her anonymity to write it, I didn't think of that until just now. I wonder how that's working for her.

Anyway, I recommend this book. I like that so much of her story deals with learning to live in her body after she lost her weight. I'm sure I'll find things I didn't notice before.