Whatever it takes

Benign

Results are in. Both biopsied nodules are benign. Hooray!

I'm surprised by my lack of joy at the news. I'm still angry that the radiologist would only biopsy the two largest. I'm pissed that the endocrinologist's staff told me yesterday at 3 pm that they had the results, but the doctor never called me until 6pm today. His staff told me around ten this morning that it was benign, but I needed to hear it from the doctor himself.

The follow-up plan is to get another ultrasound in six months. I'm still having trouble trusting that one of the tiny nodules isn't a mutated clump of cells that will slowly grow to malignancy.

Thank you to everyone for your positive vibes, prayers and good thoughts. I've had an amazing outpouring of love from friends since all this started. My OA friends have been especially lovely.

I'm struggling to turn this over to HP. I'm powerless, but it pisses me off. I still want to figure out how to fix this. I want absolute proof that there isn't cancer in my body. I don't want to hear the odds unless they are 100%. This is so hard.

Oh, and I've gained 2 pounds this month. My portions have been big. I've been starving. Time to get off my pity-pot, stop being dramatic and live my normal insane life.

You say you're depressed but you're not, you just like to stay in bed

I haven't felt like updating my blogs or writing much of anything online. I think my thyroid stuff will mostly get posted on Chicken Butt for now. There is program stuff I think about all the time with it, but I say it at meetings and to my OA buds on the phone and just haven't got anything left to type. I'm scared. I'm worried. There is nothing I can do but take the next step and try to turn it over.

Today I found out it isn't Hashimoto's disease. My endocrinologist thought it was, but the blood test was negative for the antibodies that would be there if it was an auto-immune disease. I'm glad I don't have it, but if I did it would be pretty certain that I don't have thyroid cancer. Now I have more waiting to do. I go for a biopsy on Tuesday. My sister is going with me.

I've been struggling to get to work in the morning and then struggling to work while I'm there. The title of this post is a lyric of a Paul Simon song that makes me smile every time I hear it.

I went to an OA conference this past weekend. It was great on it's own and that it kept me from staying in my flat all weekend in pajamas worrying about my goiter.* I met some great people and heard some serious BB thumping that I needed to hear. I've been writing an evening inventory based on the directions in step 11 since I got home. Stuff that is recurrent or that bothers me is what I need to talk with my sponsor about. It feels great.

Okay, that's all I've got in my tonight. Thanks for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

* Yes I did say flat. I'm watching too much BBC, but flat feels right and condo sounds weird.

Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two

My name is Dodi and I'm a compulsive overeater.

Oh yes indeed I am. Before I promised not to research thyroid issues anymore I read that there are four types of thyroid cancer and the one of them is really bad with no treatment. My first thought after, "I'm dying" was "If I'm dying can I eat sugar again?" Seriously.

I started trying to figure out if I would need to stay abstinent if there was no hope. I can see that if I have something that must be fought I absolutely have to maintain abstinence. I'm helpless in the food and could never do whatever needed doing. But if there was nothing I could do, could I indulge? I could just give up and slip back into a candy-coated oblivion.

My sponsor pointed out that OA has ruined bingeing for me. She said that I would never get that same relief from food again. I believe her. It had lost much of it's power in the months before I finally got abstinent. So that kind of sucks. I'm in the game now like it or not.

The ultrasound was quick. I almost started crying during the procedure. I'm frightened of the results and desperately wanted the technician to say that everything was fine. Of course she couldn't say a thing, but I tried anyway. I should hear the results sometime this week.

I've tried not to talk about it much. After my first panic and desire to scream it from the rooftops I settled down and have worked to not be a drama queen. Which, if you knew me from before program very different behavior for me. Sure I blogged it, but I'm not calling you to talk endlessly about how sick I could be and how awful it is...blah, blah blah.

Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot to me.

Physical

I am scared. I went for my physical and all was well until she was checking my thyroid. “Hmm,” is not a good sound from a doctor any time they are examining anatomy. She said I could be shaped that way or it could be a nodule. Since she noticed she wants to see what’s there. I want to do more research, but more general info is just going to make the panic worse. I know nothing to differentiate and all the symptoms sound like mine, even though three hours ago I had no symptoms.

I can’t even call the hospital to schedule the test until tomorrow. The paperwork has to be done first.

I’ve talked to a few friends and that helps. Of course I jump to cancer in my mind. When I say it out loud or type it I get scolded for going there. Honestly, where else would I go? I didn’t really go there until I read something about nodules producing excess levels of TSH (or T4 or T3) but that cancer didn’t increase the levels. My levels are all dandy. My shrink checked my levels in February. I brought a copy for my doctor. Wikipedia: blessing or curse?

So, I’m working hard to convince myself that my thyroid is merely lopsided. Otherwise I’ll start thinking about the irony of finally getting my shit together and getting cancer. I’ll start writing the screenplay of a lousy Hallmark movie in my head. Think asymmetrical people.

Note: Posting on CB too. Probably will have a lot of program specific stuff later, but for now I'm all general.

Net-zero

I weighed myself today. Twice. The second time I was the same weight as last weigh-in. That is my official number and I'm sticking to it.

The first weigh-in was scary. If you hate reading about bodily functions please stop reading. I'm not going to get gross, just honest about my craziness and it involves poop.

I tried to crap this morning and just wasn't ready. I've been worried that my weight has gone up. It certainly hadn't gone down and my work pants are bordering on flood length. I tend to lose weight first from my bosom and gain it first in my belly. I've already cleaned up my food, but I feared I had done some damage. I wish I could say my monthly weigh-ins are just about knowing which direction I'm going, but honestly I do care about the number. I was freaked that I would go from 102 back into the 90s. According to the scale I had gained four pounds. NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Back to 98. How could I face my OA friends? I've shared about my messiness with food and the struggles, but numbers are facts and quantify my behavior. Fuck. I hate this disease.

So I waited an hour and headed to the bathroom again. If it hadn't been sub-freezing I would have taken a few laps around the building. I'm tempted to get graphic here, but will refrain. Let's just say, I worked a bit harder on that BM than I usually do. Thoughts of developing Diverticulitis lost out to trying to get back into the 100s. Generally I wait for nature to run its course and my body is generally cooperative. This morning I actually had thoughts of digging it out with my finger or a stick or something. Crazy! Wouldn't have gone there, but the thought came to me. All for a bloody number on a scale. No foreign objects were introduced and mission was accomplished. I also peed again and blew my nose (because every little counts). I was however, shocked to see those four pounds gone. It was by no means a four pound poo. I even got off the scale and back on again to see if it was just totally fucked.

So that's my story. I hope someone gets comfort from this little tale. You can say, "God, at least I'm not that crazy!" Good for you. Or, if you feel compelled to share your own scale madness, I'm all ears. I'm so glad I only go through this once a month. 

Minus 1 = 102 gone

Lost one pound this month. Honestly, I was worried. I got a bit fast and loose with my portions and late night breakfasts over vacation. If I didn't get out of bed until 2pm I still ate three meals. I also choose to ignore my one salad a day guideline. I also haven't crapped yet today and would like to weigh myself tomorrow again and average the numbers. (Because seriously, when it comes to the scale, don't you think a good crap can take off 10 pounds?) This of course is crazy.

Before I got on the scale I was in bargaining mode. I prayed to stay sane whatever the number was. I told myself I'd be happy if my weight stayed the same. Of course my brain doesn't really work that way. I am a compulsive overeater and irrational about the scale. Good thing I only weigh myself once a month.

101

I weighed myself this morning. I lost 2 more pounds. I'm now at 101. I don't know how I feel. I kind of feel like a got away with something. Like I cheated somehow.

Anyway, trying not to should myself about my feelings. Can't help thinking I should be feeling more happy. Maybe I did my happy dance at 99 pounds. Maybe I still feel crappier physically than I know.

Anyway, the scale appears to still be going in the right direction. I need to focus on this 24 hours.

99 and counting

I weighed in on Saturday and was happy to see four more pounds gone. I have now lost 99 pounds since coming to Overeaters Anonymous. The mind boogles.

I don’t think I wrote a post last time I weighed in. I wrote an email to my sponsor and then couldn’t bring myself to write about it again. I stayed the same last month. It was disappointing, but not surprising. As the weather grew colder and the days shorter my diet became unusually carb-rich and I played with the portion sizes. I felt like nothing would be enough so I choose the biggest, heaviest items from my typical rotation. This included ditching the salad I try to eat for a meal once a day. After weighing in the same last month I got a better balance going, hence the four pounds lost.

I’m quite excited by the number 99. Unless I go bat-shit-crazy I’ll be in the triple digits by New Years. I’m not sure what my goal weight is. I may never get to the ideal number for my height. I think I would be ecstatic to weigh around 160. I’m still way to far away from that and intend to follow a doctor’s advice when the time comes. So, if 160 is my ideal, I’m no longer morbidly obese. Obese, but not morbidly obese. Woo Hoo! It really depends on what calculations are used. Most web sites (of the six or so I just googled) say I should be 122 - 149 pounds.

I’m used to thinking of myself as “large framed” or “big-boned,” but I’m probably average. Before puberty and before I started gaining weight my mom made a big deal about buying me “slim” jeans. Since that was before I got hips I’m pretty sure I’m just plain old medium framed. Wouldn’t that be amazing? To be average and blend in with the crowd would be awesome. This brings me to program. Through the steps I’m learning humility. I no longer need to be the best or the worst. I can simply be and know that I am one of many, no better or worse than others. It will be nice when my body become average too.

I haven’t posted much at either of my blogs lately. I screwed up my brain chemistry getting the Halloween costumes ready in time and have been in relapse depression. The good news is that I recognized the symptoms quite early and sought help. Before OA I never recognized my depression until I hit rock bottom and then it was too hard to ask for help. This time I called to make an earlier appointment even though my regular visit was less than a week away. My Welbutrin dosage was increased and I should feel better as early as Wednesday.

I wish Dr. L would stop freaking me out about the potential side-effect of seizures. I’m also not fond of the strange sensations in my brain that occur during dosage changes. Like a headache, but unaffected by OTC remedies. I feel off balance, but just slightly and my head feels two sizes larger. But this is normal for me when Dr. L tweaks my meds. Unpleasant as it is, he seems to know what he’s doing so I’ll just turn that over.

Two more down - 95 pounds gone

I’ve lost another 2 pounds. I’ve now lost 95 pounds. Wow. So far I haven’t gone to the crazy place that being so close to a big three-digit number could send me. There is no doubt I am crazy. I’d love to be at a place where I could not weigh myself at all. I’m just not there. This morning I had all the standard numbers games in my head. I didn’t want to weigh myself if I couldn’t poop before lunch. I did. Yeah bowels! Then I wondered if the shoes I’m wearing are heavier than the ones I usually wear. But then I realized that I’m wearing a size smaller in pants. Does the reduced fabric volume equal out the potential extra shoe weight?

I have to remind myself that I weigh myself to make sure I’m moving in the right direction. I was worried that I had gained even though I’ve been abstinent and my body feels smaller. I was worried that it was misleading and that it was just a delayed manifestation of last month’s 4 pound lost. I’ve had that happen so many times before. I expect a big loss and instead there is nothing, or worse, a gain. So now I know that I’m on track. That should be all there is to it. Maybe some day it will be.

Trusting HP and the steps

I feel like I'm distanced from recovery right now. I skipped my Sunday night meeting to attend a BBQ with some high school friends. I told my sponsor and a few others that I would not be there, but it felt odd at 5pm not to be sitting in that slightly moldy basement around a kid-height table covered with glitter and goo. I had a very nice time with my friends, but it was outside my routine.

I haven't been getting very many calls and I haven't made many. I know I rely too much on others calling me. I get out of the habit. I'm glad there is a meeting tonight.

Ninety-three pounds lost feels really good. I still don't have a good sense of how big I am compared to others. I'm more present in my body since I was a kid, but I now feel smaller than I am. It's all very confusing. I'm wearing a faux-suede jacket today that I bought when I lost 80-some pounds in WW. It was still too small this spring, which is weird because I've shrunk out of so much other stuff from that time. It still feels snug in the shoulders. I cannot remember if it fit snug when I got it. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but it bothers me.

My weight is slowly and steadily decreasing, but I still expect more dramatic changes as I transition seasonal clothing. Sigh. Yet it is nice to believe that come summer again if my clothes do not fit it will be because it is too big. I must continue to work the steps and use the tools of OA. I know beyond doubt that this works.