Precarious balance

Fear of changing how I handle everything. I'm either doing it or not. I'm either living a god-conscience life or I'm not. If I'm not actively seeking HP in every aspect of my life I'm sliding toward my disease and all of its many traps.

I'm afraid of doing my job well and getting more responsibility (and more chances to fail.)
I'm afraid of committing to a food plan.
I'm afraid of who I am without the habits of a lifetime.

Change is hard. Eating the way I should takes effort, planning and discipline. Going to work on time every day and working with best effort and integrity is exhausting. Exercising is time consuming and painful and I never get to a point where it is energizing and feels good. Reaching out to people decreases my Me Time. Connecting with people takes time and effort; it is emotionally risky.

Recently I heard someone say that motivation comes from taking action, not from thinking. This goes with what my first sponsor says, "Take an action, any action. Even if it is the wrong action, do something." The Big Book is loaded with action. My shrink talks to me about going above knowledge. Knowledge is a trap that is hard to get out of. Just as food can easily displace my HP, so can knowledge.

I know a lot about OA and about the 12 steps. When I started OA I bought all the literature and studied hard. I researched, I spent hours every day reading and looking for program blogs to read. I wanted to become an expert so I would know what to do. Knowledge often takes the place of my HP. I want to think about things, talk about what I should do, mull it over. I'm afraid to take action though. What if I do it wrong? What if it doesn't work? What if it does work? All the while I'm still living in my own head.

Right now, writing this post I'm in my own head. I started writing this morning just to exercise my demons. Maybe I'd send it to my sponsor or maybe I'd just delete it like I do most of the time. But writing is a tool, so I'm not going to get too hung up on it right now. Since I'm already typing it out, maybe someone will identify with it to. So I'll post it.

I'm afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. I know what happens when I don't take action. That is where I am now. I've been here many times. It isn't great, but it is familiar. If only surrendering to HP was a one-time action, like jumping out of an airplane. It takes a lot of guts and faith, but once out the door the decision is made. Instead it is like a little switch that I have to keep resetting and watch for changes. If I don't pay attention it will switch off. Maybe instead of a switch it is a lever I have to keep pressure on. Like the short end of a see-saw. All my experience in this disease and habits of a lifetime are on the long end. In order to have balance I need to put more pressure on the short side. Spiritually I'm a light-weight. I have to use the tools, connect with OAs and work my steps to keep the pressure steady. If I stop paying attention the balance disappears and the long end hits the dirt.

I want to believe that with practice and time the apex of my teeter-totter will move closer to the middle as I experience more life in recovery. It is daunting to think it will always be this hard to stay god-conscience. Which is probably why we must focus only on today. All I can do is work OA to the best of my ability today. Right now that requires constant attention. Exhausting.

Comments

[Julie]

Thanks for the thought provoking post. I agree 100% that living in recovery takes work,sometimes a lot more work than living in the disease.

I agree also that it's a lever, not a button. Sometimes I exert a hell of a lot more pressure on the lever than others.

I've come to the conclusion that the pressure required for balance is exhausting, you are correct.

For myself, however, I prefer to be exhausted by the exertion of recovery rather than that all encompassing exhaustion (spiritual, emotional and physical) that comes along with living in the disease.

[Dodi]

Thanks Julie,
You are right, there are differences in the quality of exhaustion. I'll try to remember that.

Right after I posted this I talked to my old sponsor. She told me it wasn't that the apex shifts, but that we build endurance. That it actually requires increased effort as we work the program, but that we get used to it and perceived effort is less. Not what I wanted to hear, but it makes sense. There just isn't an easy solution. Who needs marathons when we're training for the Iron Man of "normal" life.

[Emily]

I'm brand new to OA (picked up my desire chip last night) and yours is the first blog I've found regarding OA. Congrats on the 99 lbs you have lost! I'm jealous, but it also gives me HOPE!

[hannah]

I definitely relate. No one understands this terror of taking actions -- any actions! Even learning to play piano, anything new is terrifying and everything is new if you're doing it right! Why isn't there a name for this total avoidance and isolation?