Where have I been? Relapse.

Under certain definitions of abstinence I’ve been in relapse since spring. Messing with my food was just a blatant symptom. Long before I started “getting away with” slips in my food I was abandoning the parts of my program that keep me abstinent.

How far did I go in relapse? All the way down baby.

Sugar! I dove, teeth first, into sugar in November. I ate a tiny piece of Halloween candy in the office, followed by three more pieces, followed by a trip to the vending machine, followed by two months of miserable binging.

One evening at a time, I worked through most of the foods I had abstained from for three years. My disease had indeed been doing pushups in the parking lot as I sat in meetings. It was stronger than before but now I was mostly conscience through all the food. There was very little unconscious eating for me this time. I made the choice over and over to binge just one more night. I didn’t get the release I got before OA though. I had a couple 24 hours without sugar, but they never lasted through temptation.

It didn’t take long for all the tiny miracles of program to disappear once I hit the sugar. I isolated, over-slept, and I stopped doing the little chores that I had started taking for granted. Garbage built up at an alarming rate. Wrappers and takeout containers once again formed a ridge around my recliner. I lost motivation to put out the garbage every week. Eventually I stopped walking to the garbage can and just let wrappers, boxes and bags fall where I was. Nasty and unpleasant to live in. I had regressed completely to my most cave-like dwelling.

I did continue to attend one of my three meetings, but one isn’t enough. Often I was the only one there at my remaining meeting; therefore it wasn’t a meeting at all. I missed eight weeks of my Sunday night meeting before I dragged myself back. I took the meeting bag for a month so I had no excuse to miss. I still have not returned to my Tuesday night meeting.

So, I haven’t had sugar for three weeks now. I’m mostly stuck to my new food plan (still too many fat grams and I have trouble getting all my veggies in).

I really need to work my steps, which begins with calling my sponsor and taking her suggestions. I know that without step work I’m just dieting. Since dieting does not work for me, I better get my ass in gear.

Comments

[Megan]

Thank you for your honesty.

I needed the reminder that once I take that first bite, it is easy for me to hit that button that lets me eat whatever I want.

And it's the same for me, after my life in OA the food just doesn't give me the hit it used to.

I send you love and hope - abstinence gets easier the further away from the compulsive bite we get, especially with sugar.

[Barb]

Just heard in a meeting the other day how easy it is to minimalize our disease - the disease that tells you that you don't have a disease - we tell ourselves things like "I don't really have an issue with food" or "I can't possibly be as bad as so-and-so so maybe I don't belong here." Sometimes it seems like the longer you are in program, the easier it is to wonder whether you really should be. Cunning, baffling and powerful - the disease, I think - not necessarily the food.

Glad to see you back.

[Cindy D]

Glad you are back. Know that we are all here to help one another. Remember... it is in our weakness we find strength! Welcome home!

Hugs...Cindy D in WV

[Charlie Edinburgh]

SO glad you're back. I'm back to. Please come visit sometime. You're an inspiration to me. Keep at it, and keep talking about it.

[Recovering Anorexic]

Thank you for your entry. Can I link your blog in mine? I'm also in OA. :-)

[Rachel]

I hope you keep blogging. I'm just starting and today I have to be honest about straying from my plan in rebellion. Let's keep sharing and supporting each other.

[Connie A]

I just discovered your blog and welcome a fellow on the board. I have just startd my blog if anyone wants to check it out: upanddownthe steps.blogspot.com/