I went to lunch with an OA buddy today. It was fun. It was also good to talk program with a peer. She told me I have a vacation hangover. She is right. I’m so tired and unmotivated. I spent too much time sleeping and watching DVDs last week, now it is all I want to do. It was really hard to get out of bed today. Harder than it was Monday or Tuesday. My supervisor just said the same, so I can’t blame it on my disease. He is having motivation issues today and he’s pretty sane.
Fear has been a recurrent theme in my program this week. I need to take more risks at work. I’m not taking up some responsibilities I ought to for fear of mistakes. I must learn to accept and possibly embrace my own mistakes. As flawed as I know I am, I am unforgiving when I am not perfect. I still think I can do things perfectly. I put off decisions, even tiny ones, because I’m not absolutely sure I’m making the right choice.
Last week I was shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond and got into a brief conversation about drapes with a guy. He was looking for 96” drape length and the store only had 84”. My next stop was Best Buy and as I was ogling the big screen LCDs I realized that the ogler next to me was the same guy. After I accused him of stalking he said he had no luck with the drapes and did I know some place that he could find them. All I could think of were Pottery Barn ($$$) and JC Pennys. So normal chit-chat with strangers, right? No big deal? Later that I night I remembered that IKEA carries a lot of long drapes. D’oh! I woke up the next morning berating myself for not thinking of it at the time and feeling guilty. This isn’t even a real mistake, just a lapse in memory. Yet I added it to my list of things to feel bad about. I’m still wincing about it a week later and wishing I could let the guy know. He probably found some the next day and has moved on. I am still on my own shit list over it. And I know it. I talked about it twice now. So now I’ve written it.
HP, please let me get over myself and let it go.
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