I called my sponsor on my way to work this morning. Why don’t I call her more often? I turn it into a ‘have to’ situation. I really do like talking with her. She has years of experience in OA and always has an answer. Why would people pick me to sponsor then when there are people with long term recovery who have seen it all? Sometimes I feel I’m cheating my sponsees when I have no personal experience with something they are asking me about. But all I can do is share my own experience and I’m getting more comfortable saying, “I don’t know.”
Today I asked my sponsor about all the little stupid things that I’m carrying around that didn’t make it onto my 4th step inventory. Mostly stupid mistakes I’ve made that I can’t let go of. Little things like when I’ve misunderstood what someone was asking and answered the wrong question. She said that is perfectionism and it belongs on my list. So now I’ve got to write them down when they occur to me. One that I used as an example is trivial, but I’m still hanging on to it.
About twelve years ago a coworker asked me about a picture I had on my desk of a friend. It was a picture I took of David standing next to his car in winter. My coworker pointed at the picture and asked if he skied. I assumed he was asking because of David’s North Face coat and answered that he managed a North Face store. I realized later that he was pointing at the Thule rack on David’s car. The answer he was looking for was, “No. He bikes.” So why on earth am I still pulling out that brief, utterly forgettable conversation? I made a simple mistake. I’m sure the coworker forgot what I said the moment I walked away. I still want to go back and correct my blunder. According to my sponsor, this is living in perfectionism. This makes sense. I want to let this crap go.
I really think those who struggle with food have strong patterns to perfectionism. This beleif is reinforced by others who have long term sobriety with women dealing w food and alcohol.
You know it is ok to be imperfect. It is like we walk this straight line and sometimes there is a "dink" in it. Sure it is hard for us to accept, but once we do we can continue to seek all the adventure that the straight line has to offer.
I totally get cha. And you know I have heard some with MANY years of abstinence say they are still learning and still don't have all the answers yet. I think you are right where you are suppose to be, you must see this.
HUGS!
Posted by: Sober Chick | July 13, 2007 at 05:46 PM