I missed my Thursday night meeting last week due to illness. (I'm doing fine now. yeah!) It felt weird not to go. Since I started that meeting in November I haven't missed a week. I want so badly for that meeting to get strong. It's still so tiny. Thursday night is a busy night for a lot of folk so they come when they can. HP willing I'll be there tomorrow.
I slacked off on my reading and step work over the weekend. My food was fine, but my program suffered when I got sick. I became unwilling to pick up the literature I'm reading in the morning and before sleep. I was also unwilling to get out of bed on time Monday morning. I bed binged again. It feels just as crappy as binge eating emotionally. This is something I need to be willing to do. I'm starting my new role and would like to not fuck it up from the start.
I'm in my new role about 75% of my time as of today. I haven't officially been offered the job yet, but it's just a matter of HR getting the paperwork done. With any luck I'll start collecting the new improved salary next Tuesday. [fingers crossed] So this is scary. It's something I want and will be very good for me, but it is challenging and I'm supposed to hit the ground running. I got a virtual crash course in logging into the db remotely and kicking off jobs. With power comes responsibility. I could wipe out data by mistake very easily or turn off the server accidentally. Nothing permanent, but could impact the schedule in huge ways.
I've had to absorb a lot of information today about new concepts and a fledgling knowledge I haven't used since summer. I'm reluctant and a little anxious. I've tried to remember to turn it over to HP. Okay, face facts, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fail so I don't even want to begin. Okay, that's an old pattern. I need to be willing to take the leap and fail. I probably won't because I'm well suited for the position. I know these guys, they are happy to have me on the team, they will help me when I ask. I'm seeing my therapist tonight. I'll talk it out with her and maybe do some writing tonight.
On a happy note, one of my sponsees identified herself as a sponsor for the first time at a meeting. How cool is that? Scary too. When someone asks her to, she will try to tell them what I told her, based on what my sponsor told me. From the garbled results of the Telephone game we played as children, this should not work at all. Decades of recovery in AA and OA tell a different story. As long as sponsor refer back to the big book and humbly admit when we don't know or aren't sure it seems to work. I'm proud of her and a little proud of me. One day I'll be a grand-sponsor. I feel way too new in the program to have a grand-sponsee. But then, I felt too new to be a sponsor the first time I said it too.
I am happy to hear that you are feeling better. I got goosebumps when you talk about your sponsee now taking on the role of a sponsor. Yes exciting, scary and all that.
Posted by: Sober Chick | April 26, 2007 at 12:29 PM