I lost two pounds this month. I have now lost 83 pounds. I was a little disappointed. I have noticed definite signs of shrinkage this month. My watch is getting loose and people are starting to tell me how good I look. Like an anti-growth spurt.
I can’t remember if I lost 83 or 87 pounds when I was in weight watchers in 2001-2. I threw out all the weigh-in records and food journals. I’m within a few pounds of being the lightest I’ve been in years. This is cool, yet very dangerous for me to dwell on. So I’m done for now with that.
I’m on step eight. I have my list, so now I am to write down what I’ve done to each person on it and figure out how to make amends. I’m not supposed to actually make the amends, just write it out and then talk to my sponsor about each one. It’s harder than I thought it would be.
Per instructions, I put myself at the top of the list. To amend something is to change it. I’m to look at all the ways I hurt myself and figure out what must be changed to stop doing that. I have a few good examples in my notes at home. One example might be that I sabotage my financial security by not paying bills even though I have the money. I procrastinate and before I know it my credit card gets rejected. I damage my credit score and embarrass myself for no purpose. I know it has to do with my attitude of scarcity. I hate to give my money away. (As if settling my debts is a voluntary act of charity or something. I think maturity and entitlement come into play as well.) So I turned all my character defects over in step seven, including procrastination and greed. Now in step eight I’m starting to figure out specific behaviors that should change to stop hurting myself. I’ve been trying to get my shit together in this area for years. This is a new context for me though. I don’t even know if I’m on the right track with that. I’ll have to talk it over with my sponsor.
They say thoughts without action will avail me nothing. Step nine, if I’m on target, will be a process of changing that pattern. I should probably work on the others on my list concurrently; I’m so self-destructive I may never get around to anyone else if I don’t.
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