I have now lost 64 pounds! Yeah! Six pounds since last month. What a relief. I was nervous about getting on the scale this morning.
I almost skipped breakfast this morning because I didn't want to eat anything before my monthly weigh-in. Last week I officially added three meals with nothing in between to my abstinence definition. I'd been doing the nothing in between for quite a while, but the three meals thing is new.
I'm not a breakfast person, especially when sugar is not involved at all. I don't like eggs and fruits can trigger cravings if I eat them in the morning. I've been eating a hot whole grain five grain cereal with cinnamon. It is tastier than oatmeal but takes longer to prepare, even in the microwave. Two days this week I've eaten a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Bagel with no egg from McD. This doesn't break my abstinence, but it doesn't feel good. I feel guilty about it. I almost didn't share it, but decided to come clean.
When I only lost a pound last month I was freaked out. It forced me to look at my portions and choices. I can't continue to eat the same large meals and continue to lose weight. So I've started cutting out some of the little extras I've been eating. No extra rolls with my salads, no extra taco, and no more small cheese quesedilla with my burrito bowl. It is an emotional neediness I'm still trying to fill with food.
I'm doing really well and am healthier than I've been in a long time. My cravings are manageable and I'm at home in my body, I'm clear and feeling balanced emotionally, and I'm getting more comfortable with my HP. I'm also still completely insane about food and my weight.
I'm so glad I choose to eat breakfast today. How far am I willing to go today for recovery? I'm willing to stick to my food plan even when I don't want to. That feels good.
I've been reluctant to share WIT with my new sponsoree. I wasn't sure that sharing all my crazy with her was a good idea. Honestly, I'm afraid if she reads my blog she'll realize how unsure I am and not want me to sponsor her anymore. Last night I decided to email her a link to WIT. I'm supposed to share how I found recovery. This blog is a big part of that. It is the most consistent journaling I've ever done. My home is cluttered with journals I've started, only to discard before filling a tenth of the pages.
I'm still afraid, but it's an emotion. It will pass. I think I need to put it out there. She may not read it. She may decide I'm too crazy to help her. Or it could help her understand the program better than I can tell her. It is a record of my program since November 2005, therefore it is a record of my experience, strength and hope. I'll send the email today and let the fear go.
Congrats on the minus 6 pounds. I really enjoy your honesty, it helps me to be more honest with myself. You show courage and are very real.
Just some words of my appreciation.
Posted by: Sober Chick | August 21, 2006 at 12:04 AM