I don't even like Nibs that much

I've been getting some enthusiastic praise lately from fellow OAs, but I don't know how to react with grace. I worry that I'll get cocky and arrogant about my program, at the same time I reject their words as undeserved and incorrect.

I am working on simply saying "thank you" when I receive a complement. My urge is to explain why they are wrong. While rejecting compliments, I crave them. My gaping hole of need is a bottomless pit. Tell me how much you like/admire/value/respect/love me and I'll mentally follow you around like a puppy hoping for one more bite of your steak.

I'm glad talking with me seems to help some people. I do believe I can't keep what I don't give away. My program is shiny today. Working with a sponsee has been great. Steps One & Two are clear and vivid because I've re-read and reviewed them.

I had another bad dream about breaking my abstinence. Saturday morning I woke up depressed and desperate. The dream felt so real. How could I have thrown my recovery away for cold pop-tarts and a bag of Nibs. I panicked until I woke up enough to know it was only a dream.

It was a typical dream with hyper-realistic elements mixed up with surreal features. I was at a wedding reception sitting at a table with my dad (who was irritating the crap out of me, realistic) and a lady how was ordinary except for the space helmet she wore to filter contaminants out of the air. At some point prior to the party I had started the decent into madness by deciding I could eat the edges of a pop-tart as long as I didn't eat any filling or frosting. I ate the edges and then couldn't stop. I painfully ate bite after bite until it was gone. Had I broken my abstinence or was it just a slip? At the party I slipped away into a bathroom and started cramming Nibs into my mouth. Those little cherry licorice bits are dense and hard to chew, but I kept cramming them in. I could feel the texture, taste the sweetness and even smell them in my dream. I was so desperate. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't stop to even breath. I wondered if I would ever get my abstinence back. In the dream I was desperate and scared, feelings that stayed with me when I woke.

I wrote about another binge dream I had a while ago and learned that others have relapse dreams. It helps to know that. Even after I woke up and realized my abstinence was intact, I felt guilt and shame all day related to the dream. How crazy is that?