Brought my program along

I had a great time in California at the wedding. I had doubts about going, both financial and isolationist in flavor. It was the first time I’ve flown anywhere since committing to abstinence. I’m grateful I could let go of my disease and be fully present.

I planned ahead and brought lunch on the plane. All I ate from Southwest was a tiny bag of peanuts with my lunch; everything else was loaded with sugar. It’s amazing how often I came upon old habits. Throughout the airport, the touristy spots and at the hotel I had the impulse to buy snacks. It wasn’t even a temptation, just a well-worn groove of behavior I could easily slip into again. If I hadn’t added “three meals a day with nothing in between” to the official abstinence definition I could have gotten into trouble.

Here are a few other things which made me grateful for recovery:

• I took two tours of the Winchester Mystery House (mansion and behind-the-scenes) and my knees didn’t bother me at all. The mansion tour was 65 minutes, over a mile long and countless stairs. I didn’t even think about the stairs until later. Last year I would have been trying to conceal my labored breathing with each flight.
• When the Rabbi’s microphone kept cutting out and we couldn’t hear, I got anxious and started getting annoyed, but I let it go. I could not fix it and could still hear most, if not all of what he said. There were many other heads turning in annoyance toward the sound guy, but he seemed incapable of fixing it (there was a very strong breeze). I didn’t let this little problem rob me of pleasure. I was there to witness the wedding of a friend; it didn’t matter if I could hear every word, the bride and groom could. Without my program I would have stewed in resentment and anger. Instead I was present and joyful, with just a dab of tearful.
• When college co-worker asked me how I was, I was able to truthfully say, “I’m good. Life is going well.” She said she was relieved to hear it. She explained how tired she was of asking that question and hearing how miserable people are. I’m grateful not to be that miserable person right now.
• At the reception I listened more than I usually manage to. It was a good mix of people at my table and I walked away knowing something about each of them instead of just telling my story.
• I overcame the urge to isolate myself. After the wedding a few girlfriends of the bride decided to go out to dinner and a movie together. I almost said no because I was tired and was planning to get some takeout for dinner and watch a pay-per-view movie in my room. Instead, I said yes. It was lovely. I’d met each of these women years ago, but had never really known any of them. We talked over dinner for hours. We plan to get together the next time the bride comes to town so we can all get together again and get more time with her. (We never did get to the movie.)
• I talked too much about myself over dinner. I know I did. But I also did some unexpected 12 stepping.
• Even though Oakland airport is awful and people were rude, I did not get my panties in a bunch. I also remembered that it was not my job to fix everything and make other people follow the rules.

I’m playing poker tonight. I’m praying for serenity in the face of my father’s tantrums and bad sportsmanship. I’ve been avoiding playing when he plans to be there, but next week my yoga practices shift back to Friday nights and I miss the other guys. I’m sure I’ll put the mantra, “Bless him, change me” to good use tonight.