Nightmares of bingeing

I slept terribly last night. Between the thunderstorms, my excessively loud AC*, and sugar-filled bad dreams I woke up at least six times during the night. I take two very potent sleeping pill prescriptions, so waking up once I fall asleep is more unusual than it used to be.

I was anxious and ashamed when I woke up this morning. I couldn't think why until I remembered the nightmares I had about cramming sugary desserts into my mouth. It felt real to me until I separated dream from reality with a bit of effort. I did not eat any of the things I dreamed about. In the dream I was in some social situation with a big dessert table. I somehow got frosting on my finger. I went to lick it off and stopped myself. Then I thought, "what harm could it do?" and ate it anyway. Suddenly I was devouring everything on the table. Now even stopping to chew, just shoving it in. No wonder I felt so depressed and guilty when I awoke.

This has to be related to my meeting Tuesday night. We read the crystal bowl story in the Abstinence book. I shared how precious my abstinence is to me and a story of cleaning up after a kid's birthday party. I kept getting ice cream and chocolate on my hands. I had to deliberately tell myself not to lick my fingers. Instead I walked to the bathroom and washed my hands about five times during a 30 minute period of cleaning.

My abstinence is defined as no sweets (nothing with sugar in the first five ingredients) and no snacking between meals (except when planned ahead). It isn't easy. I still get urges and cravings. When sweets are present in my vicinity I can smell them and I want them. I avert my eyes while shopping and close my eyes or change the channel when snack commercials appear.

I know that until I gave up sugar there was no way I could work the steps. It took removing sugar from my diet to get clear and sane enough to work my program. I know how crazy I am when I'm on the sweets, because when I stopped eating them I relapsed into a deep depression. I had no tools to handle life. My main defense was food.

September 19, 2006 was the day I woke up and decided not to eat sugar that day. Two weeks later I gave up Diet Coke and all artificial sweeteners. I've been making the same choice over and over since then. I am worth the momentary discomfort and effort my abstinence can cause me. I am worth it and I treasure that knowledge.

So were my food dreams warning from my sub-conscience that I'm weakened and ripe for a slip? Could be. It's good to remember that I'm only one bite from relapse. But also just one heartfelt pray from abstinence. I'll keep turning my will and my life over to my HP and asking for the willingness to follow through.

Comments

[Sober Chick]

Hi there,

I once heard in an AA meeting a man who has 17 years of sobriety saying he has, on occasion an alcoholic dream. However that core obsession not to drink has been lifted.

You have a wonderful blog here. Giving up sugar, what a courageous step to begin the gift of abstinence. I have not read your other posts but plan to and am gonna link you up 2 my blog.

Sept, the time u gave up sugar, I am curious what you did. Pray? Surrender?

Keep it up, and thank you for sharing your experience.

[Dodi]

Thanks Sober Chick!

It's nice to know I'm not the only one to have relapse nightmares. That's one thing you can always count on in the 12 steps, there is always someone who has experience the exact thing. It helps not to be alone.

As for September 19, all I remember is making a decision that I would not eat sugar that day and see what happened. I had been playing around with abstinence since February 2005. I would have a few weeks sticking to whatever food plan I was trying and then would plunge into a binge. I was 100% on or off at that point. I'll have to look at what I posted on my other blog CB and see what I wrote at that time.

I think I finally surrendered sugar in September. I spent much of the summer being angry at my disease and my sugar addiction. I recall a new lightness of spirit that day. Now I recognise it as surrendering my will. It was so new then, and I was stuck on step one still.

Thanks for the blog link. I'll come over and read your blog too. I can't get enough recovery blogs.

Thanks again,
Dodi

[Stormie]

Every once in a while I have bingeing dreams. I haven't in a while, but I usually wake up feeling guilty and relieved that it was just a dream. I wonder why we dream stuff like that?

Anyway, it's so awesome that you've changed and taken charge of your life. Reading your blog is inspiring me and giving me hope that I can do it too : )