Still breathing

Today I'm a bit angry and embarrassed that I never saw this before. I took yesterday off work. I knew I could not concentrate on anything yet. I called my therapist (she prefers "Life Coach" now) and went in for a two hour session before yoga yesterday afternoon. I'm glad I did.

I was half hoping she would agree that my sponsor was over reacting. But she didn't. I had only ever told her about that last beating and I didn't get into the details with her. Why would I? I had no clue it was anything unusual. I've been seeing her for about ten years now and she had no clue. Why would I talk about one of the most "normal" parts of my childhood? Everyone I knew was spanked, right?

I had also never considered myself an emotionally abused child. Sure my parents were emotionally abusive, but others were so much worse. My story would never be made into an after-school special. It just never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Now I see that I belong there. When I shared this with my therapist she was shocked. What had we been talking about all this time? From the very first session it was clear to her. I think if she had tried to tell my I was an abused child I would have been angry and not believed her. So we have been dealing with the emotional abuse for years without sticking a clear label on it.

Now that we are working with all the right pieces, it should be easier to put this puzzle back together correctly (her analogy). I'm worried though. What other events are not what they seem. What other ordinary pieces of my past are going to turn ugly when examined with an outside perspective? I'm scared.

But I feel better already than I did two days ago. So much of what I've read on adult children of abusive parents fits perfectly with my issues. For the first time I'm starting to see why I react certain ways. So much has never made sense to me until now. I have no intention of putting on a victim hat and crying poor me. I'm going to root out the ugliness and deal with it. I'm working the OA program to the best of my ability and I'm going to get well.

Comments

[Mike]

Dodi,
For me, the ability to gently review the issues of the past through sane, abstinent eyes is one of the many gifts of recovery. But there is nothing easy about this process. Like you, I entered this through writing my fourth step and sharing my fifth step. Another coincidence that we share is that the anniversary of my father’s death was right before I did my fifth step, and I know (from your blog) that you commemorated your mom’s passing on May Day.

What I found especially difficult was my sponsor’s directive: “easy does it.” How could he expect me to change gears like that! For the previous two steps I had been working on “fearless and searching”! Building an arch to walk through a free man was a result of complete and fearless honesty. For these steps, for me, “easy” definitely did not “do it.” I found it difficult to take these revelations (of both new and intentionally buried emotions) and put them on a “shelf”. This is a foreign discipline to me. But I learned over time to develop this ability through the clarity provided by my abstinence. This was absolutely crucial for me to keep from derailing my program.

Thank you for your courage to share this painful and difficult process. I have been struggling with blogging about my own “origin” issues. You have given me hope and re-affirmed the importance of this task which I will begin soon.

-Mike