I want to die

I'm wounded and striking out at people. I got unreasonably angry during a meeting yesterday. I was bitchy and whiny. I was angry at someone, but not really at her. My sponsor had warned me that I would be doing that. That I would get nutty angry at people that I wasn't really angry at. Wish I could recognize this before I did it. Or even during. Nope, I realize 20 minutes later. I want to apologize, but I don't feel like telling her why I'm such a freak right now. I wanted to talk to anyone I could get hold of the day after my fifth step. Now I don't want to explain it to anyone. I only want to talk with people who already know.

I feel a bit ashamed. Now that the shock is wearing off I feel embarrassed that I didn't know all these years that I was abused emotionally and physically my whole childhood. I know this is not worth feeling embarrassed about, but it is one of the many feelings swirling about. There are some people I'd like to tell, but I don't have the energy to tell my sad little tale.

I had a good talk last night with a fellow OA. I'm glad she called me. I always feel better after talking with an OA. I need to use the telephone more often. I need to get over this reluctance to tell my tale though. It limits the range of people I can call right now.

I haven't talked to my family about this. I may never talk to them. It feels weird to talk with my sister and not tell her the biggest thoughts in my head. I have to pick up mom's piano bench this weekend. I've been avoiding my dad. I'm afraid my family would think I was over-reacting. I get angry thinking about it. I need to protect myself from their judgments while I figure out what my truths are.

This sucks so hard. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I have yoga tonight. That should help my spirits. I plan to clean my kitchen this weekend.

Comments

[Mike]

Dodi,
We are so similar. I have trouble talking about (because I feel like I am whining) my family of origin stuff.

I also know (very well) the angry, moody mind. In December '05 I told a Rabbi in my Synogogue to "go to hell". I later (that week) called him and appologized for my rude and hurtful words. It was exceedingly hard, but felt good when it was done.

Today was mother's day, and I purposefully did not call my mother. And I'm okay with that. She never did the things that earn a mother the right to be lauded for their work and loved by her children. So today she's not getting a call from me. Perhaps in the future I may become a person (I want to be) who can love his mother regardless of her neglect and abandonment. But not today. And like I said, I'm okay with that.

[Dodi]

Thanks Mike! I apologized to my co-worker today. It felt good to say I'm sorry. She was very gracious about it. I didn't need to say I'm sorry, but she was glad I did. I owned it, dumped it, and now I will forget it.

I too want to be the type of person to love unconditionally. I haven't talked with my dad since I took my fifth step. I'm not sure he has noticed. I wish I could hash this out with my mom. If she hadn't died I think we could have built a healthy relationship. That makes me sad.