When I first started attending meetings a year ago I started reading everything OA I could get my hands on. Everything spoke to me except the AA Big Book. I think the first time I sat down with it I was following some advice from someone at a meeting. I had shared that I was unsure about finding a HP because I was agnostic. He told me to read "We Agnostics" in the Big Book. In fact he loaned me his copy.
So I went home and read it. I found the writing arogant, narrow-minded and unhelpful. The message I read was, "don't worry if you don't believe in a Christian God, if you do the twelve steps right, you will." Ick. Luckily I had already found a lot of the program I loved and could overlook this point of view. Even a couple years earlier this would have been reason enough for me to flee.
On Wednesday night I finished reading the OA handbook I bought to help me figure out what I need to do to get a meeting started. I wanted to do a bit of OA reading and the first thing I found was the Big Book. I figured it would put me to sleep as usual. This time I randomly picked a story from the back part. It was wonderful!
I couldn't stop. I read about four stories before I forced myself to put it down and go to sleep. When did it get so engrossing? How did it go from pompus to touching. I'm guessing it isn't the book that changed, but me. Not only do I relate more fully, I automatically switch the alcohol to food in my head. I truely know that the substance does not matter, the compulstion is the same. I'm also not distracted by the 12 step speak. I guess I've become fluent in OA.
Anyway, I plan to read all the stories in the big book. Then I'll give the first part of the book a second chance. Then I'm thinking I should start reading all the other OA books again. The first time through I was desperate and approaching the program in an intellectual way. Now I want to read with my current perspective. I'm abstinent, have a solid grasp on what my HP is and I'm not as defensive about my addiction as I was.
Apparently I'm now ready to use reading as a tool. I love OA and the sanity I find in it.
Isn't growth fabulous. It works when you work it and you're worth it!!! I am so excited that my big book is becoming more worn looking than it did when I started. I even have writing in the margins and flags on some pages... never believed I would get there - but I have! I loved watching the old timers give a talk when I was new and to see their pages falling out of the big book. what a silly goal to aspire to - but it worked! Keep on reading and writing Dodi!
Meg - I put my hand in yours
Posted by: Meg | March 13, 2006 at 09:02 PM