Whatever it takes

Anti-sleeping pills and hope

I couldn't decide whether this post belonged in my general blog CB or this OA blog. I first put it in CB, but I think it is relevant to both, so I'm going to re-post it here:

Last night I finally picked up my new prescription for sleeping pills. I forget the name. It is the newest thing. I am an insomniac. I can't get to sleep unassisted in under an hour and I wake up a lot. The best sleep I've had for a long time was on the first pills Dr. L gave me, Ambien. But Ambien isn't for long term use and can be habit forming. So Dr. L gave me something else, but it makes me groggy in the morning and I've had a lot of trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Long story short, I didn't sleep a single minute last night on the new drug.

At first I was pleased with the pill, I was sleepy after taking it and was looking forward to a good nights sleep. But my mind refused to obey. Around 4am I started feeling really odd. Like my body was falling asleep, but my mind was still awake. It felt like my breathing was becoming shallower and then my fingers got tingle-y like they were falling asleep. I panicked a bit. This is a really new drug. I went to get the pharmacy warnings. It was pretty vague but did say that it could cause hallucinations. It also said not to take the medicine if you have sleep apnea. I don't think I do because I've been told I don't snore, but we never did the sleep study Dr. L wanted to do when I first went to him.

I tried to sleep again but couldn't stop thinking. I was worried I'd go to sleep and never wake up. That pissed me off. I have worked so hard this year to get my shit together. That pill may not work for me as a sleep aid, but it made me realize that I truly do not want to die. I realize that for most people this isn't a news flash, but for me it is quite something.

I've been clinically depressed since sixth grade. I went through several major depressions in high school and college where I was seriously suicidal. I was never treated for this. I can't remember if I even told people. I did sort of once in high school, it freaked my parents out and I had an emergency session with my therapist. This was pre-Prozac and she wasn't a psychiatrist so nothing was done.

Anyway, one of the most depressing days of my life was the day I realized that I could never commit suicide. I cared too much for my family and friends. I valued the lives of the people I loved more than I valued myself, so there was no way out for me. This was truly depressing. Since that revelation in 1993, I have existed, trudging through the days but not really caring if I didn't wake up in the morning. I've been unconsciously trying to kill myself passively with food. At some point this year my feelings about life changed, I just didn't notice.

So today, although I am groggy with lack of sleep, is a very good day. I do not want to die. I have things I want to do and see. I have hope, not just for others, but for myself.

Angry all the time

I intended my next post to be a start to summarizing my food history. At my meeting tonight we read the twelfth step. Yet another reminder that I must make some progress on my steps. I want everything promised to me in that step. EVERYTHING! So I need to do the work to get it.

One thing I left off of my last post was my anger. I spent several months stewing in my own anger about this disease of mine. I was pissed that I was fat, pissed that I can't eat like a normal person, when it finally sunk in that I would never ever be a normal eater I was furious. It is all so unfair. I was pissed that I would have to give up sugar AND artificial sweeteners to have any chance of sanity. I was angry that the only person with the power to fix this was me. Stupid, fat ugly me who has never successfully dieted, took eleven years to finish my BFA, and has more unfinished projects than stacked up in my guilt closet than I can remember.

I stopped going to meetings for about five weeks during this period. It started when I was sick for several weeks and stayed away, but then I just binged like a fool and stayed away so I could continue thinking my crazy thoughts in isolation. I never quit OA and I always intended to go back, I just wasn't sure when. I think I went through the whole grieving process for my dreams of being a normal eater and for sugar. I was still coming to terms with the loss when I returned to meetings. One of the many fabulous things about the OA fellowship is the lack of guilt trips or recriminations when you return from an absence. Everyone is just happy to see you. If I have guilt about a meeting it is my own doing, no one else is judging me.

So, then I was going through the motions, going to my two meetings a week, thinking about returning to abstinence and what that meant for me. I had no plans. I didn't want to set dates or goals or any of the tricks I had used in the past. Then one day I just decided that I would not eat sugar that day. Here is the post from my general blog on that day.

I haven't been perfect since that day. There were times when I forgot to ask for no dressing and then ate it anyway when I know it must have sugar in it. But I have not binged since September 19, 2005. I made it through a cold, Halloween, and Thanksgiving without eating sweets. One day at a time I am becoming the kind of person who does not want to eat compulsively. Life is sweet when my food isn't.

My OA journey begins

I really enjoyed Cindy's first post in her OA blog. She introduced herself and what brought her to OA. I didn't do that here. It did not occur to me because WIT grew pretty organically from my general blog, Chicken Butt (CB). There is a list of 100 things about me on the About page, but it includes very little about my OA program. I did make a conscience decision to be consistent with my online identity. I have been Aunt Dodi or Dodi online for about six years so it feels natural. My family and a few friends call me Dodi in "the real world" too. It just feels weird because I don't use it at meetings. So when I type, "I'm Dodi, and I'm a compulsive overeater" it doesn't seem natural yet.

I'm 36 years old. I'm single and live by myself in a condo in the town I was born in. I have one younger sister and two nephews I adore. She lives across town in the house next to my parent's house. My Mom died of breast cancer three years ago. I've been in my current job for over eight years, there isn't anything wrong with my job that couldn't be fixed by doing my job better. I have a BFA in Painting from University of Illinois. I lived away from my home town for over seven years before my parents talked me into moving home to get over a different bout of depression.

I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous this February (2005). I was desperate. Two years before I had successfully lost 83 pounds on Weight Watchers before slipping off that program. I had gradually regained all the weight and was back up to a miserable 340+ pounds. I was also in the midst of severe depression for which I had not yet sought help. My therapist (or life coach, LC) was worried for me. She spent the gift certificate I gave her for Christmas on books she thought might help me. She gave me Passing for Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding Myself to read.

I devoured this book. This woman was so like me. I recognized myself completely. She went to OA and found supportive understanding people and a rigid eating plan. I didn't know when I read this book that Francis had found a rigid group of old-school OAers. They stuck to the old grey sheet food plan from when OA endorsed specific food plans. It was daunting to think of sticking to this rigid plan with no sugar, refined carbs and small portions. But Francis was convincing and I needed a solution so badly that I thought it was worth a try. Francis was living in NYC at the time, so she had many meetings to choose from any day of the week. I resolved to give it a try. I looked up local meetings on the official OA site. There was one in my town on Tuesday night. I called the contact number listed and left a message. I hoped to get more information before walking in the door.

I like to research and plan things before taking any action. In fact, often I don't get past the research phase. I Googled OA and AA and 12 steps. I found sites claiming that AA is a cult. I found a lot of God talk. It is a sign of my desperate need that I was willing to give OA a chance even though I found all the talk of God and Higher Power (HP) off putting.  I was binging out of control, slacking at work and hiding in my new condo among my boxes of belongings I didn't have the energy to unpack. After closing in August 2004 and getting all my stuff moved in, I just crashed into inaction. Add my seasonal depression into the mix and I was a mess. My clothing was too tight but I couldn't find any larger pants in stores. It was either give up completely and start wearing muumuus a la Homer J. Simpson or do something.

So about two hours before the meeting started the OA contact called me back. She confirmed that the meeting was still there and gave general directions about finding it in the church. I wanted more information but didn't know what to ask.

I went to my first OA meeting that night and it was all kind of a blur. Everyone was friendly and there were several thin people there. Much reading was done. I tried to absorb everything but not much really sunk in. During the sharing I was impressed with some people who shared their length of abstinence. One had seven years and another 22 years. I felt fevered, I was so desperate that OA be my solution. I shared but I don't remember what I said. Probably the same things I now hear from newcomers. I talked with everyone as they greeted me after the meeting. I bought every book they had. I went home and read every pamphlet in the newcomers packet. I thought I could power through the steps and be cured. I had so much to learn.

I approached OA like I approach everything, intellectually. I thought that I if I could read all the literature and study the steps hard enough I could fix myself. I started going to a Sunday night meeting two towns over as well. I tried to figure out what my abstinence should be. I knew from past dieting experience that sugar had to go. I started on my first round of white-knuckled abstinence. At first I was disappointed that the meetings in my area were not grey sheeters. I did some more research that helped me understand why my OA experience was different than the author's.

My depression got worse and I thought it was because I didn't have the energy to both work and do my twelve steps. I had not yet asked anyone to be my sponsor. I wanted to go to as many area meetings as I could. I thought I needed someone who had lost a significant amount of weight (over 100 pounds) and kept it off. I wanted what the woman in the book had, not what was available to me. I finally got desperate enough to hatch a dramatic plan. I found that with a doctor's note I could take up to 12 weeks off on medical leave and still get paid. I went to the doctor the next day. Luckily she saw that my real problem was depression. I agreed to see a psychiatrist and she gave me a note. My plan was to go to a meeting everyday and get the steps done before I went back to work. I figured it would take a month or two. I was so deluded.

Luckily the shrink, whom I shall refer to as Dr. L, is wonderful. I respect and like him. He has worked very hard to get my meds just right. We're still adjusting them, but I'm feeling much better.

I did start going to six meetings a week. I couldn't find one within an hours drive on Fridays. I met a lot of people and learned a lot, but no one I thought would be a good sponsor for me. At every meeting I found the same feeling of fellowship. I felt welcome and safe. I felt like I was home. I was learning more about the program, but still at a surface level.

After about a month I cut back to my original two meetings. I thought I had worked steps 1-3 and was getting ready for step 4. I was doing it all by myself. The way I had always done things. After one meeting a woman warned me that I might be setting off down a dangerous path. She asked if I had a sponsor. When I told her no she warned me that when I got one she would probably want to start me back at step one.

I decided that this woman should be my sponsor (myS), but was afraid to ask her. I was afraid she would say no. She is Catholic and I'm agnostic. When I finally did ask her she said yes without a moments consideration. I now understand that I had nothing to fear, but it was hard to take that step. We had a good talk.

We discussed my food plan, my personal definition of abstinence and step one. She asked me to write out my food history and to call her everyday. I started out well, but then I stalled. I've been stalled there since summer. My definition of abstinence has changed and I've grown in the program, but I don't keep in regular contact with myS and I stopped writing my history when I got to the first year of college. I learned a lot from the history of the early days. I pinpointed when the compulsive behavior first got out of control and some of the hurtful things I did to feed my addiction. But then I just stopped. I think I was afraid of steps two and three.

So that's where I am today. Stuck in step one, but abstinent. I need to push on or I could lose the serenity I've found.

Crawling toward love

I just read this in The Morning News and though he is talking about being a new parent, I think it applies to my program:

"It’s a distracting business, life. There are so many paths we can take, so many forces buffeting us, and it’s hard to stay on the straight and narrow. But the fact is that there isn’t a clearly marked, well-paved road—there’s just a direction, and anything we do to keep headed that way will be just fine. The direction is toward love, toward helping and sacrificing and supporting and caring and just plain being nice to people. Keep your eye on that compass, and no matter how you stumble and even if you have to crawl, you will do OK."

Toward love, that is what jumped out at me. I have decided that my HP is love, so maybe that's why it resonates with me. I also like the "no matter how you stumble" part. I was reminded again in meeting last night that I really do need to move forward in my program. I need to finish step one and move on or I could become complacent and lose the serenity I've found.

Sugar-free holiday

I made it through another holiday sugar-free. Almost everything on the buffet table was sweet. But I had delicious turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green been casserole and a lovely homemade onion roll. And it wasn't even that bad skipping dessert. I knew that it wasn't an option for me. No one questioned that I had given up sugar.

The surprising thing is that it was easier to avoid my triggers altogether than the Thanksgiving I did counting points with Weight Watchers. That year I had a plan and had figured out exactly what I could eat, but I was thinking about food the whole time and counting, and thinking about what would happen if I just had a smidgen more.

I did talk with people more this year, but still felt like I had tiny conversations with everyone. There are just too many people and since I was also taking shifts running after my nephew, Monkey, time just flew by. But I was present in the moment and it was a really nice day.

I have now survived two major food holidays without sugar and crazy eating. Halloween was tempting, but not too bad, and Thanksgiving was good. This makes me happy. I can envision a time when holiday food will not cause anxiety at all.

I realize I've written a lot about food lately. It is said that it's about the food until it's not about the food. I wish I was done with the food, but I'm not. This is where I'm at and I just need to deal with it. I'm so very thankful I've found OA.

Holiday of Eating - Turkey Day

I've been dreading Turkey Day on and off since March. I was worried that I might have to skip it this year. Or that if I couldn't skip it I'd totally lose my abstinence. Or that I wouldn't be abstinent to start with and just pig out.

Now, my family isn't going to push food on me. They've been through too many holiday diets with me. My Grandma was really the only pusher of food and she's no longer with us. So I'm not worried about offending anyone by not eating deserts. I hear that a lot from people. They worry about the external pressures. My issue is the internal pressure, those crazy drunken monkeys that tempt me to eat what I know I should not.

This year I'm not even going to let the monkeys get in the car with me. There will be plenty of traditional foods that I love to choose from. I'm bringing the Green Bean Casserole. I adore turkey and mashed potatoes with turkey gravy. Those three things alone make me happy. There is bound to be another vegetable dish.

There are many holiday foods I will not be eating. My sister is a very good pie baker and she is bringing pumpkin, apple and pecan pies. My Dad is making my Mother's fresh cranberry relish that is so yummy, and loaded with sugar. The sweet potatoes will be dripping with sugar. There will be a jello salad and apple rings and sweet pickles. There will be yummy appetizers galore.

But I've had these things every year except one for 35 years. I know what they taste like. They are yummy and smack of tradition and sentiment. They also make me crazy. They make me sick and unable to make good decisions for myself. One day of eating sugary foods is not worth the agony of recovering my still fragile abstinence.

So, I just won't take that first bite. Whatever it takes, I will not do it. I will be surrounded by people who love me and want what's good for me. I will pay attention to them. I will not leave there tomorrow wishing I had spent more time with Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill. I will go to the basement with the kids when dessert is served.

I have a plan. I am no longer afraid of myself for Thanksgiving. For this I am grateful.

Getting the body in gear

I've had two lessons in yoga now. Right now it is all about the body. I really like it. I'm a bit frustrated by the limitations I have because of my size and my weak knees, but Sarah is really good at coming up with alternative poses and work-arounds for me.

I was super sore after the first lesson for several days. Akin to the best workout I ever got working with a personal trainer. Today, the day after my second lesson, I feel a lot better. I know that I worked just as hard or harder. So I've already made a little progress. I'm sure the confidence I felt this second time made it easier on my body too. I was timid and tense about whether I could actually do some of the poses the first time. This second time I was more willing to just follow the directions and trust my body.

I'm not sure I understand how the spiritual element works in yoga, but I didn't understand it in OA at first either. It has taken from February until now for me to get that part of the program. So I've decided not to fret about the spiritual side of yoga either. Just do what I can in the physical and wait for understanding to come.

The workout is great. I feel really good at the end of the 90 minutes and it is much less jarring than going to the gym and doing reps on weight machines. I didn't think it would be this much of a workout, I thought it would be more Ommm-ing and sitting. I guess Forrest yoga is an intense form and sweaty. I guess it is good that I really didn't get that part before I started because I like it a lot.

When I can handle it, I'm going to try to do two 90 minute sessions of yoga a week. It's a big time commitment, but I think I can do it. Especially if I continue to get such immediate positive reinforcement. I feel taller and stronger today.

No backward steps

I don't feel that I've made any progress on my program lately, but I don't think I've backtracked either. Just sitting here in the middle of step one. I know I need to put in the time and effort to finish my food history, but I just haven't committed to doing it.

I saw my sponsor at the meeting Sunday. I almost called her about something on Saturday. But then I didn't. I need to get over the feeling that I'm intruding on her by calling.

But really, I have grown in my understanding of the program. I believe I understand it better as a whole. Now the trick is to take actions. This is often where I fall down, translating thought to action.

Numbers are the devil

I decided that I would only weigh myself once a month. I would go strictly on my clothes, but I think the scale is important too so I don't start kidding myself. So I weighed myself on Tuesday morning. I've lost 9 pounds this month. Ya! Then the Diet Math begins.

I started projecting forward, "If I can lose 9 pounds every month I'll lose 108 pounds by next Halloween." And plotting to increase the adverage, "If I start working out, it will decrease my losses initially, but in the long run it will increase my adverage." And, "If I cut out white flour now instead of after the holidays like I planned, I could lose even more."

Diet Math stinks because it is unsound scientifically and is counterproductive. But I think anyone who has done significant dieting in their life has done Diet Math to some extent. It's been on my mind since Tuesday. I know it is faulty logic but I can't stop myself. This is one of the huge reasons I only weigh myself once a month. I'll calm down in a few more days. It get shows me that I have a long way to go to get sane about my weight.

Yoga

I'm going to take some private lessons in yoga. I've always wanted to, but haven't for all the same sort of reasons (excuses) I haven't done a lot of things. I'm pretty excited about it because my friend Sarah will be teaching me. I'll take some private lessons to learn the basics and learn my physical limits and the right way to modify for my level. Then I'll go to classes.

Sarah recently quit her job to finish her masters degree and teaches part-time at a local studio. Her style is Forrest Yoga®. When I read the description I was amazed. It sounds like 12 step yoga:

"Forrest Yoga Is a contemporary style of yoga that empowers students to connect with their authentic self physically, emotionally and spiritually. The Forrest Yoga® method is a hot and sweaty practice which uses deep breathing, core strengtheners and vigorous sequences to work deep into the practice. Each posture is held long to progressively flush toxins, oxygenate and rejuvenate the mind and body on a cellular level. Forrest Yoga® will teach you to go deeper, to find your truth and encourage you to take that truth beyond the mat into the rest of your life. The pillars of Forrest Yoga® are breath, strength, integrity and spirit which will create a sense of freedom. Yoga experience recommended."

I just did a search on "forrest yoga 12 step" and found this (Ana is the creator of Forrest Yoga):

"Ana Forrest, owner of the Forrest Yoga Circle in Santa Monica, also discovered endurance in the practice: “I used Sun Salutations as my 12 step program. Every time I wanted to use I did Suns. Sometimes I did Suns all night.” Both willpower and stress-reduction improve people’s ability to face cravings, or avoid them in the first place."

I asked Sarah about the experience recommended part but she said I'd be fine. This isn't a lay on the mat and meditate sort of practice. It sounds like a lot of work but I'm excited to try.

I was still wishy-washy about actually doing it, until we read Step 11 at a meeting last night. It just felt right suddenly, like this is something I need to do. I'm hoping it helps not just my body, but helps me connect with my Higher Power(HP). As an agnostic I need all the help I can get to feel a real connection. I've identified my HP as Love.