Whatever it takes

Documenting my journey through the twelve steps of Overeaters Anonymous towards sanity and contented abstinence.

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  • Overeaters Anonymous: 12-step recovery program from compulsive overeating
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Step Three for real this time?

I moved to step three last week. I spent the summer at an eating disorder treatment center working on my first step with my sponsor. Which means I emailed her everyday and learned to act in ways that show I know I am powerless. If I am powerless, then I would be willing to take any suggestions that my sponsor makes regarding my recovery. So we emailed everyday, I had to surrender my food plan to the dietitian and I had to participate in everything, even the optional activities at the hospital. 

When I came home I moved on to step two. This was really hard for me. I don't even remember doing step two the first time through the steps. I came in to the program having been all of the types detailed in the AA 12 & 12 Step Two chapter. Mostly when I came in I was the drifter and the intellectual self-sufficient. So I spent years trying to find a higher power that would work for me. I acted as if, I used love, I tried to use the connections within the group and each one could not stand up to my intellectual picking or any crisis. I always went back to food as my higher power. I had opened up during my stay in the hospital because so many people I was close to that had close relationships with their God that worked for them. I shared my experience with OA and they opened my heart to the possibility of finding a HP that worked for me.

I despaired of finding a god of my experience that I could have a relationship with.  My sponsor, other people around me and all the literature says I need to have a relationship with my HP to recover. I could not go back to the God of my childhood; I tried to be willing but it just does not work for me. So I once again followed all my sponsor's suggestions. I did quiet time each day inviting a spiritual experience. I wrote a gratitude list every night and specifically thanked HP for whatever it was, even if I did not believe it (this got easier and really opened me up), I did writing about a certain relationship that I am obsessed with and really looked at what it is in that relationship that I was seeking and yearning for. That helped define the shape and depth of the hole I was trying to fill with things other than HP. 

After two months of working on her assignments and talking about it in meetings and other OA and with my therapist (she also thought it was key for me to find my HP) I came to find the God of my experience. I'm not going to write it all out here. I did write it out, but I've only shared it with five people. My higher power is personal to my experiences and perspective of my life so far and therefore is different from anyone else's HP. A very simplified summary is that I find God in the magic moments and connections with other people where there is synergy. The extra element that I've always called magic can also be described as a spiritual experience. That was the beginning of my understanding. The gratitude lists I continue to write and pray are the tools that are helping me build a relationship. That and recognizing that I've had a relationship to this experience all along and just not recognized it as a HP. I guess one reason I keep it so private is that I'm not interested in debating it or over intellectualizing it. Even what I wrote out to share with select people is more lyrical than analytical. One person called it a poem; I like that.

So now that I've found the God of my experience I'm working on the hard part. Surrendering my will and life to a HP that I just met is so very difficult. I'm going through some really stressful stuff. Not drama that I've made up in my head, but real life struggles that must be dealt with like an adult. So I pray and try to do the next right thing. I'm powerless to do anything else.

November 13, 2013 in Steps | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

What is the next right thing?

I'm back. I surrender. I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable. I've been struggling for a long time. I reconnected with my sponsor yesterday. We walked and talked for about an hour before a meeting. She isn't sure she is the right sponsor for me. She has always been type A and I am certainly not. When we tried to think of someone more like me, but with strong recovery we failed. All the people I know in the rooms that have similar approach or attitude are struggling or have fallen away completely. This is sobering. This is scary.

I just deleted a lovely metaphor I constructed. I built a nice little picture to explain my half-assed approaches of the past. But it was ego and indulgence and skips around the truth. If I don't start living in a way that demonstrates acceptance of Step One (I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable) I will die. My sponsor told me I am emotionally and spiritually dead already. Like her husband was before he finally died physically. She isn't sure she has what I need to recover.

My program is simple today:

  • Call my sponsor every day.
  • Call two other people in OA every day
  • Follow my food plan
  • Ask what is the next right thing to do.
  • Do it.
  • When my reaction is "I don't wanna!" Do it anyway.
Asking for the next right thing and doing it is my spirituality, asking for help to do the right thing is prayer. It cannot get much simpler than that. May I be humble and teachable enough to do it.

April 01, 2013 in Relapse, Steps | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

Surrendering can hurt

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Surrending to HP means accepting remodeling I don't think is affordable or sensible sometimes. I'd like to issue building permits to HP for each little change. So not really surrender at all. I may never get the hang of surrendering.

I like C.S. Lewis's writings about Christianity and God. So much I can learn about spirituality, even if intent is religion. I also like Madeline L'Engle's Christian writings. Both these authors makes me wish I could still believe the teachings of my youth.

April 19, 2012 in Spirit | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Is surrendering the same as giving up?

Surrendering to HP feels like giving up. Could I be on the right track with that? If I surrender everything that I don't have power over that doesn't leave very much left for me to deal with. It could get awful quiet in my head. I could get uncomfortable might fast in the vacuum.

It feels like the line between total surrender to HP and surrender to a short miserable life in Muumuus and slip-on shoes is too thin for me to navigate. It is too precarious on my own. Do'h! Of course, that is where my sponsor and other members come in. How long will I batter my head against the same concepts before I can grasp this concept for longer than a meeting, conversation or writing session?

June 13, 2011 in Spirit, Steps | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Updated links

I've really neglected this blog and reading other OA blogs for a couple years now. I continue to struggle with relapse. I make little efforts and convince myself I'm back on track, but really I'm just doing enough to keep life bearable. My intentions mean nothing when my actions don't back it up. My food "isn't that bad." That's what I tell myself when I don't want to take an honest look. I'm missing meetings here and there. I know I have to go to both my meetings every week. That's one of the basics for me.

Doing a bit of housekeeping here on CB. I removed some inactive OA blogs from my sidebar, but didn't want to lose them entirely. There is some good stuff there even if it is old. I'd love to see fresh content from these people, but I understand how blogs can be abandoned without intent.

Foodfairy's Journey to Freedom
Last updated November 2008

It's Not About the Food!!!
Last updated January 2009

reignfyre recovery
Last updated May 2008

Recovery Girl
Last updated May 2006

Added a few people too. Sometimes I hesitate to add someone to the sidebar list because I don't agree with everything they say about OA. Mostly this tends to be specifics about people's Higher Power. But really, I guess it is like meetings, these are the opinions of individual OAs and do not represent OA as a whole. Also, keep what you like and leave the rest.

New to the roster:

  • oastepper
  • Overactive Fork

And while I'm at it I should acknowledge Down in Sunny San Diego. She is the most consistent OA blogger I know. So many recovery blogs disappear. It's great to find Down in Sunny is still blogging each time I come back to reading OA blogs. I'll have to use her blog list to find more people to read.

January 28, 2011 in Relapse, Religion, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

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