Chicken Butt

Tears in my carpet

I sobbed like a child during my yoga practice tonight. Twice. I don't know what the pose is called, but it is "challenging" according to Sarah. The three stages of the pose were really hard. Getting into each was like a puzzle, a 3D puzzle of body parts in a solitaire game of Twister. Getting out is where I lost it. I got stuck. It felt like my quadriceps would rip away from my knee if I moved at all. I couldn't follow her instructions and  I panicked. When I finally got out I laid with my face in the carpet and sobbed. The worst part was knowing that I would have to do the other side. My right side was much looser than my left so I thought I was all good. Still difficult, but it wasn't crazy hard until the dismount. Again with the panic, fear and anger. I was able to follow directions this time, but it truly sucked. Chest shaking ugly crying. Yet once the tears stopped I felt fine.

So now my knees are a bit sore, but not worse than they used to be after every practice. It was a really intense quad stretch. I'd draw a picture of it, but I haven't got a graphic program on my mac yet. So I did a pipe cleaner model. It doesn't look as hard as it is. (iPhoto blows. Useless.)

I hope we don't do that pose again for a while. Too intense.

Yoga Anniversary

Exactly one year ago today I had my first yoga lesson. It was hard and awkward, but I loved it. It is a small miracle that I am still practicing yoga and am more enthusiastic than at the start. I haven’t stuck with any sport or exercise regime for more than a few months since I hit the tween years. When I told my sister the news she was impressed.

I’m not always excited to go to yoga; I’m often tired from work and just want to go veg in front of the boob-tube. I’m not even consistently thrilled during practice, but I am always happy afterwards. The harder I work, the better I feel.

I’m still working with Sarah privately. This is probably why I’m still doing it. My original intention was to work privately with Sarah two or three times so I wouldn’t feel so awkward in class. I found that private practices are amazing. She plans around my weaknesses and strengths. She often changes her plans based on what’s going on with me when I walk in the door. If my knees are aching or my shoulders are stiff she’ll tweak her plan to deal with that. When I have trouble with something she’ll back up and over then next few weeks we’ll strengthen the needed parts and slowly build my confidence.

Most often my struggles are rooted in my head not my body. I’m so used to responding with fear and self-doubt that I’ll freak myself out while she is demonstrating the new (and sometimes old) pose. I freeze up most frequently on inversions. She insists that the same muscles are used for down-dog-on-the-wall as in dolphin-on-the-wall, but it doesn’t feel that way. My arms still feel way too weak in that position to hold most of my body weight. We’ve been building my shoulder strength so I expect to face that pose again soon. Friday I did a lovely strong DOTW for at least five breathes and came out of it with control. Yaa Dodi!

Forrest Yoga fits in so well with my OA program too. Letting go of thinking so much and getting out of my head is stressed in both. Yoga helps quiet the chatter in my head. There is no room for negative self-talk when I’m trying to keep my toes active, my fingers spread and straight, my shoulders wrapped, my front knee bent, my back outside foot pressed into the ground, and my hips straight. Oh, and don’t forget to breathe. I love it.

Last Friday we met at my condo for the first time. When she left I was totally relaxed. It was great. I didn’t have to get dressed and drive home. I made dinner and felt mellow and happy all evening.

I am stronger and smaller than I was last year. I love yoga.

Dolphins, holy chickens and settled

Three quick things:

1. I managed to do dolphin on the wall three times in class on Monday. They were all pretty good, solid, straight-legged, tail-bone tucked and shoulders wrapped. I'm still proud of myself today. I'm finally getting comfortable upside-down. What's next? Bring it on.
2. I love the paintings I bought this weekend. When I bought them I was smitten, living with them is increasing my affection. I'm so glad I bought them. The three I bought Saturday are very nice and easy to live with. The three paintings on paper make my heart skip with joy. I'm still discovering new bits in the big found wood piece.
3. Did I mention I finished unpacking? Only took me 23 months. I still have some organizing to do, but all the moving boxes are unpacked. My books are all cataloged at LibraryThing. Well not all, some I'll probably have to input manually and I think I've missed some. Plus there are books that I know I own, but can't find. They are probably on loan. Linda, did you ever read the His Dark Materials trilogy I lent you?

Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin'

Atch-ee-wowow! I just got up from my desk after sitting here for a while and my quads are burning. Twenty-three hours ago Sarah left us in bridge pose for what felt like decades in class last night. She was helping students get aligned properly, it's only the third time this class has met, so it felt like she forgot about us up there. Of course it probably was the same time spent in dolphin, but I'm much stronger in dolphin than bridge. Time is relative times 100 in yoga.

I shopped with a Borders gift certificate at lunch today. It was a gift from a friend for a favor I did. I didn't expect anything in return and was really surprised to get it. But gift horses should not be poo-pooed so I graciously spent it. I bought "The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada" on DVD. I hope I like it. I like Tommy Lee Jones, cowboy movies and Ebert liked it, so I have my fingers crossed.

For once I didn't  over spend with a gift certificate. I typically spend at least the same amount as the gift card because I can't make up my mind. I'm proud of my discipline today. I was walking around with three movies at one point, but I put them all back when I decided on Three Burials.

My dad is off at a hippy-dippy wheatgrass retreat for two weeks. He left early Father's Day so I didn't see him Sunday. I did buy steaks and veggies on Saturday and my sister cooked. So we did celebrate in a low-key fashion. I'm a tad irked at my father right now, so I was kind of glad not to see him. Hope he finds what he's looking for. He wants to "jump-start [his] weight loss." He called my sis the first night and said he was reading under one of two working light-bulbs in the place and said that the accommodations were "primitive." Good luck with that dad.

Ana Forrest Yoga Demo

I finally watched the video of Ana Forrest's demo from the Yoga Journal Conference on April 8. She is crazy-limber and freaky-strong. I don't recognize a single pose I've done in practice. But it is a demo, if I could do it, it wouldn't be very impressive. Go watch it. The first link is all introduction. The rest is all Ana and really inspirational. She is so amazing. There are a lot of comments about how what Ana did wasn't yoga. I know she is controversial, but I love what Forrest Yoga is doing for me. I don't even asspire to do what she does. That's what I love about Forrest, I'm encouraged to find how each pose works for me.

Sarah, my own yogi, was one of her assistants at this conference and had an amazing time. She and her assistants practiced together every morning. 

Sending dolphin energy

I had a private yoga practice with Sarah last night. There was a two week gap since my last practice. I was scared I would have lost most of the strength I've been building up. Instead it was one of my strongest practices yet. I did get out of breath very quickly during sun salutations, but I'm not sure it was any worse than usual.

My dolphin felt solid. Usually I'm shaking and have to fight collapse by the time I lower into child's pose. Last night I could have gone longer and was in total control on the way down. My downward-facing dogs felt easy too. Even my elbow-to-knee ab work was better than usual. Yea!!!

This is not to say I don't feel it today. I really worked my hips, lower back and abs. I think once a week is good for me right now. I might have been pushing it a bit with two practices every week.

Now that it is lighter at night and warming up, I plan to take some walks around my neighborhood after work. Probably. We'll see how well I move from intention to action on this one.

Gaining ground (and wall)

Is yoga a sport? It's the closest I come to being sporty, so that's how I categorize it.

I had yoga last night. A private practice with Sarah. I worked really hard and wimped out of a few things because I cramping (calf) and then my foot was really hurting. I was afraid I was re-injuring my left foot (planar facitis, takes forever to heal). I did however, manage to do a pretty respectable dolphin on the wall. I haven't done that since my third session. The last time she tried to get me upside-down on the wall I turned into a sobbing mess.

It felt awesome once I got up there. Took me several tries, but once I was up I felt like I could stay there for a while. The weak point was my lower back. I was swaying back and forth there, I couldn't keep my tailbone tucked in that position. Need to strengthen that area. My shoulders have gotten much stronger since November.

I work really hard in practices, but I tend to let my mind take over. I fear injury and my mind just won't let go of my body. I can't just ignore the fear completely though, because I do have some weak and vulnerable spots (knees and feet). My practice is a balancing act in more than one way.

Good news: I am hardly sore at all 29 hours later. A little tender, but not crazy, "My god, what have I done?" sore.

Same story, different day

I hesitate to report that yoga has once again kicked my ass and that I am very in touch with my body today. I’m sure I’ll eventually get over the newness of yoga and start talking about something else. Last night was my fourth practice and it was hard. No room in my head for any spare thoughts, just trying to follow each direction and remember each separate part: active toes, tuck tailbone, pull in my tummy, relaxed neck, roll shoulders, pull down shoulder blades, press the knees together, breathe. The breathing and the relaxed neck are the most often neglected. At one point Sarah said, “It’s okay to hate me right now.” The comment didn’t even register at first; I was concentrating so hard on the pose and all the specific body contortions.

Yoga is turning out completely different than I expected. After the first few practices I assumed that I would eventually get stronger and more confident and then practice would turn more meditative, but what I found out last night is that it never gets easy. That is the point, pushing and exploring your edges. When I can do something with confidence I’ll push into something new. So instead of finding some fuzzy la-la sort of hippy mellow, I’m completely present within the moment; within my body. I am sure I’ll learn a lot more as I explore this, but that’s what I figured out last night.

Sarah is teaching a Park District Forrest Yoga class starting in January. I sent in my registration form today. I’m not a resident, so my form won’t be processed until a couple weeks after the residents; I hope I get in the class. The cost is about half the yoga studio price. Only 60 minutes, but I’m sure there will still be much kicking of ass. (Did I mention how aware of my upper abs I am today? Ouch.)

Feelin' fine

I expected to wake up aching thing morning after such an intense yoga practice last night, but I feel fine. Another reason to love yoga? I think so.

Upside-what?

Yoga kicked my ass tonight. Full of things that seemed impossible for my body to do. I tried each of them. I was even upside-down for a short time. Sarah had me doing Dolphin on the wall. I could only stay up for a short time, but she said my feet were at the right height. It is a good thing there are no mirrors because I really don't want to see how I look doing it. Sarah demonstrates with such grace and strength.

I took Motrin when I got home because I can already feel my knees and shoulders. Some things that were easy for me last week were difficult tonight. I have some trust issues with my body and what I can do in it. I felt great right after practice, loose and spent.