Chicken Butt

If this was National Post Every Eleven Days Month...

I'd be all over that shit.

I messed up my brain chemistry when I pulled that all-nighter to finish BugBoy’s costume. I struggle with depression every fall, so the added stress through all of October and then topped off with staying up all night took me over the edge. I’ve been struggling just to get out of bed, hence the lack of posting since Halloween. The Doc says I should be feeling the increased dosage of anti-depressants by Wednesday, so I got that going for me.

I bought a new camera. Hopefully it will be an improvement over the piece-o-crap digital-noise fest that is my Panasonic Lumix. I read such great things about that camera. For months I thought I had simply messed up the settings. It turns out there is a known issue with digital noise. What is the good of having a lens with a great reputation if the software fucks it up? I’ve gone back to Canon. I haven’t yet uploaded any shots from the camera. Depression is a bitch. (Um, is my swearing worse than usual today?)

I bought a bunch of OTC remedies at lunch to add to my flu kit. I’m no longer having kittens about the avian-bird flu (thank you hyper-alarmist media), but I read a post a while back about basics to have on hand during flu season. Mostly common-sense items make up this flu kit. I already have basics like plenty of ibuprofen (or anti-inflammatory of choice) and Vitamin C, but was out of cough medicine, decongestants, and basic cold remedy (Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold tablets work miracles for me). Last night at Trader Joe’s I restocked on broth and a few mild soups. I won’t put together a special bucket of supplies for cleaning and disinfecting the things that may need cleaning and disinfecting in the course of the flu. I’ve got all that crap in my laundry room and if it is too hard for me to grab what’s needed off of assorted shelves then I’m probably too sick to clean up anyway. Usually it is only when I’m sick as a dog that I realize I’m missing medicines and sick-bed foods. I hope the stuff goes unused and I have to throw out when the expiration date passes, but if not I’ll be happy I bought them today.

Um, I feel the need to balance this post with a little happy. I still love my MINI Cooper. She’s a bit rough in first gear, but I think that is my lead foot habit. I’ve only driven 412 miles so far, so I’ve barely broken her in. I need to take a road trip before winter sets in.

Sew, Mama, Sew! is posting a bunch of tutorial links to some awesome handmade gifts. Handmade Holidays: 30 Days of Gifts to Sew! Check it out.

I weighed myself on Saturday; I’ve lost 99 pounds since joining Overeaters Anonymous. Weeee! I posted more about this over at my OA blog WIT. I also went into more detail about my depression.

Good luck to all those pushing themselves to post every day, write novels in a month and post every day in November. Although, reading my blog isn't helping you accomplish that is it? Good thing I'm only posting every eleven days.

Baggage

Did I mention I ordered my MINI Cooper? I did, a few weeks ago. It's supposed to arrive around the first week of November. I've been fine since I made my final decision, but I'm getting tired of waiting. I want my new car and I want it now!

I'll have to reduce and declutter the stuff I keep in my car. Besides having far less space behind the driver's seat (where I like to keep a case of bottled water) the trunk space is very tiny. I didn't notice how much stuff had built up in my car until I pulled everything out a few weeks ago. I have a lot of crap just in case I need it. In the trunk I had two small blankets, jumper cables, two flash lights, two window scrapers, an old pair of flip-flops, a bag containing a swimsuit, towel and t-shirt, a box full of OA literature, two scarves, three mittens, two winter hats, and three Trader Joe bags. Of these I probably only need the two of the Trader Joe bags (one insulated) and a window scraper. It would feel weird to drive around without a flashlight, jumper cables and an all-purpose blanket. Oh there were about 13 books in my car too. Three are OA books I keep in there for meetings and I always have my current read with me, but the rest were recently returned to me or books I had finished reading but hadn't brought back upstairs yet.

I'm trying to declutter my home too. I just pulled two big bags full of clothes from my closet for Good Will. I bought new work pants and jeans in the next smaller size so I got rid of all bigger sized pants. I pulled some summer tops I hadn't worn all summer and some sweaters that are too big now. I also got rid of all but one flannel shirt. I haven't worn any of them for a long while, but it doesn't feel right not to have at least one well-worn plaid-flannel shirt in my closet. For those of you who don't read my OA blog, I've now been abstinent for two years and have lost 93 pounds.

I've purged a few books from my collection in the last six months, but it is coming time to really dig in. I've got a growing pile of books on my library floor because there is no shelf space. I'm thinking seriously of switching my bedroom and the library/craft room. My bedroom is 14' x 14' with a walk in closet and master bath. I could buy another Billy bookcase or two from IKEA and bring my huge table back up from the garage for projects. I'd have to run cable into it as well. Right now all my projects are done on the living room floor.

The thing is, I love my bedroom as it is. It's huge and comfy and perfect. But it is the biggest room in the condo and much of it is just empty space. The library is sunny and in the front and has a regular closet. Maybe the morning sun would help me wake up easier. Sigh. Is it greedy to want two 14' x 14' bedrooms with walk-in closets?

Speaking of projects scattered on the living room floor, I'm going to be a pirate for Halloween. I'm tired of being a witch. I'm going to sew a red cotton dress with puffy sleeves and a ruffle to wear under my now-too-big corset from a few years ago. It's too big to be effective support now, but will be a lovely pirate-y garment. I'll wear a head scarf, some big clip-on hoops and this necklace I just bought from etsy.

I've been procrastinating on BugBoy's three-headed costume. As long as I haven't started yet I can tell myself that it probably won't be that difficult.

So, I have two questions for my loyal readers (all four of you):

1. What to you keep in your car just in case?
2. What are you going to be for Halloween?

'Get me my brown pants

Today is my first anniversary of abstinence. I am crazy proud of myself. My sister told me it sounded weird to hear me say it. I told her to think of it as one year of sobriety. That’s what it is. Just replace alcohol with food. At the beginning my abstinence was no sweets. It has evolved into three meals a day, nothing in between. There are also a few foods and behaviors I refrain from.

I started out today in a really good mood. Now I’m working to get myself out of a funk. It started when for the second time my cell phone alarm refused to shut off. It just kept vibrating even after I had disabled it and then reset the alarm. I had to turn the thing off to get it to stop. This has happened twice since I bought it on Saturday. I never had any problem with my old Motorola phone, now this pretty new Razr is acting out. The charge on my phone went down by two bars before I got the damn thing to shut up. I like the physical design of the Razr v3m but the interface sucks. They’ve made menus inconsistent and added steps to perform basic functions. WTF? I’m sensitive to poor usability in software because I used to design interfaces for online training. I couldn’t find any mention of this issue on Verizon’s web sites or on Google. I called customer service and of course the same issue didn’t happen while on the phone. I’ve set the alarm for tomorrow, so I’ll see if this is an ongoing problem.

I’m also frustrated with a project at work. Something is broken and I have no idea how to fix it. I’ve tried everything I know or could thing of to do. Very frustrating. I’ve put off talking to the project manager, I think the guilt of that is intensifying everything else. I should go talk to him and get it over with.

I thought that writing about it would make me feel better. So far it hasn’t. The weather isn’t helping. It is so cold and damp out there, it feels like late October not September.

I haven’t decided whether to try the NaNoWriMo contest this year. I’m not sure I can participate and maintain balance. If a malfunctioning cell phone can send me into a sulk, what would a lousy plot and word count deficit do to me?

Crap I totally forgot it's Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrrrrg.

Dumped

My life coach dumped me last night. She is ending her individual therapy practice to focus on reconciliation counseling* and corporate consulting. While she hasn’t singled me out, it feels like a break up. I’ve been seeing her for at least ten years, since my mom told me I had to lose weight to be in my sister’s wedding. (In case you were wondering, I put on at least 40 pounds between that pronouncement and the wedding.)

Over the years she helped me deal with a lot of baggage, change and pain. At times I visited her once a week, sometimes monthly depending on my state of mind. She knows me. She knows my history. When I get discouraged she can list all my accomplishments since she’s known me. It’s like talking with a close friend because I don’t have to go into all the background, I can tell her the newest thing and she can put it into context. She also tells me when I’m full of shit. Once in a while I’ll come in with a new theory or idea and she never hesitates to call “Bullshit!” on me.

She suggests I find a new therapist through my insurance company. I’m doing fine right now, but that can change very quickly. I need to establish a relationship with someone so they have a base-line for my sanity. I hate this. I’m just getting my shit together and now I’ve got to break in someone new. I’d be really screwed if I didn’t have a whole team of people helping me. I’ve still got the OA fellowship, my OA sponsor, my yogi, and my shrink (Rx only).

I hate change. I’m not good at it. She is extending the end date for me, but I want to ask if she could just keep seeing me on the side. Just don’t leave me, and you can see whoever you want. Pathetic aren’t I?

*I told her this sounds like hell to me. She said it is hell, but it’s challenging too.

It's a small life after all

My therapist, or as she prefers Life Coach (LC), accused me of having a small life a while ago. I wasn't exactly sure what she meant at the time, but I had a suspicion she was right. After I joined OA and started examining my life in the context of my compulsion, I had to agree that my life is indeed smaller than it need be. I cut myself off from many people and activities I love while I practiced my disease in isolation.

On Friday it is my turn to "Virtual Share" with one of my project teams. Since we work from several different offices (including Paris), every week at the start of the status meeting someone shares a PowerPoint slide full of pictures that represent that person's life. Most are of spouses, children and pets. I have none of these. There are also hobbies and activities represented. I have a few of these, but not a lot of pictures to represent them. Especially recent pictures. I forgot to bring my camera on Friday for poker. I'm borrowing one from this past spring to scan in. The last time I saw the picture was at Mr. Ps funeral.

So, my slide will be pictures of my nephews, the sushi costume, and one poker picture. I feel like I should scan in a picture of my Mom. She died over three years ago so I only have one digital picture of her, it's the one we used for her obituary. She is playing in a ball pit with BugBoy. Maybe I will go ahead and used that one. He was the light of her life.

I don't have that many pictures of myself. I'm usually the one behind the camera. I will include one of this year's witch face and my favorite of me and Max from a couple years ago. I have some pictures of me and Monkey in the pool this fall, but I'm showing a lot more flesh than I'd like to show to co-workers.

Oh, and I'm still parking outside. I haven't touched the boxes from IKEA. I had to scrape ice and snow from my car this morning. ICE and SNOW! What the hell! I am so not ready for winter.

Whatever it takes

Not really a good day for focusing on work. I'm a bit scattered today. I just want to go to bed and stay there for a couple weeks. Not really a good sign for a person working really hard to stay out of the crippling depression I found myself in last winter. Not a good sign at all.

I did a little journaling at lunch, with pen, in a notebook. You didn't think I shared everything here did you? You did? I guess it could seem like it the way I fling personal information around and share too much at every turn. I think some of what I'm feeling this week is seasonal. I always have more trouble in winter. I miss the sunshine. Part of my problem is reaction to working so hard on the costumes and then nothing. From crazy busy to nothing in one day. But I think most of it has to to with resisting the urge to eat compulsively. Without using food to numb myself I am left to deal with emotions I've never learned to cope with.

So, as I intend to start really working my OA program, I've started a separate blog. I created Whatever it takes (WIT) to have a separate place to put my OA related ramblings. I don't know if it will impact the frequency of the posts here at CB or not. We'll have to see. If you are interested in that aspect of my journey I invite you to read WIT too. If you aren't interested, just be happy I'm not going to subject you to any more OA posts.

Ignore the drunken monkeys

It's been over six weeks since I ate sugar. This was probably the only Halloween I haven't had candy. Not only did I not eat it yesterday, I didn't buy any during the previous weeks. How many years have I bought Halloween candy as soon as it went on sale and then have to re-buy again and again "for the kids?" Watching TV with a growing pile of tiny candy wrappers next to me. Ugh.

There were some newcomers in my meeting tonight. Hearing them speak reminded me of how much I have learned since the first time I walked into that meeting. I'm proud of myself. I'm not counting my successes by calories or pounds lost now, but how sane I feel right now. I would not have been able to put the energy into BugBoy's costume that I did if I had been practicing my disease this past month.

It is not that the drunken monkeys in my head have gone away, they probably never will entirely. I've just become better at recognizing their chatter for what it is; dangerous deceptions. I'm very grateful I've found Overeaters Anonymous and for the people I've met there.

OA thoughts and projects

I had an interesting lunch yesterday and it got me thinking again about the Overeaters Anonymous (OA) use of God/Higher Power. It is a testament to how desperately I needed OA to work for me that I didn't run away and reject the whole program because of all the God talk. I'm agnostic. I used to believe and I appreciate the fellowship of the church I grew up in.

I'm no longer arrogant enough to criticize those who believe, I envy them a little. When my Mom died it would have been comforting to believe in the Christian afterlife. But I don't. It doesn't fit my understanding of the world. I no longer seek to impose my views on others, but I don't want others to impose their views on me.

I've thought since joining that we need another meeting in St. Charles. So, when I get myself together (probably ought to get through all the steps myself first) I'd see if I could start a meeting in my town on Thursday night. I'd love to have a meeting in a non-church building. Somewhere like the public library or community center. And structure the meeting to be less God-y. Not anti-God, just more open to Higher Powers(HP) that aren't necessarily based in organized religion. I just feel there is a need for this type of meeting. Many I've talked to have been interested except for the God factor.

When I first started OA I often talked about my struggle to define my HP. I was given a copy of the Big Book (AA's central piece of literature) and told to read the chapter "We Agnostics" and that it should clarify things for me. I read it, and what I understood it to say was that I shouldn't worry about not believing in God, that I'll come to believe through the program. That is not what I was expecting or needing to hear. Again, it speaks to my desperate need for OA that I didn't run screaming into the night after that.

The book that originally led me to OA was a gift from my therapist, my life coach, Carole. It is an autobiography of a woman's journey losing half her body weight in OA. It told in great detail her triumphs and struggles in the program. After reading this I knew I had to go to OA. What I didn't know then was that the author of the book was in a stricter sub-set of OA, sometimes referred to as the OA Nazis. They stick to a very strict food plan from the old days when OA endorsed food plans. They are known by the colors the pamphlets were printed on, grey sheets, green sheets, white sheets. So I was disappointed at first that I wasn't handed a food plan that I had to follow or else. Turns out that is a good thing for me. Also, The author lives in NYC so she had many meetings to choose from. In the western suburbs of Chicago there are fewer meetings and long travel times if I wanted to go to a meeting every day. I go to two now. I'd like to go to a third, but I don't want to make the drive on a work night.

So, my second potential OA project. I always thought that I could write a book about my weight loss success. One problem with that is that I have to achieve success. Another problem is that my story has to be interesting enough to have an audience. Maybe what I need to do is write something for fellow agnostics doing OA. There are probably already books out there, there are bound to be AA books like that. Although there are no official OA books about it. I wonder why. I wonder how hard it is to get something into the official OA lit. I've read a few really interesting unofficial books that had permission to use the OA name. Anyway, somehow it seems like I could research and write something like this. Even if it is just a separate OA blog.

So, to sum up, I want to start a new meeting and write a book. No problem. I'll just add those to my to-do list. I should get to them sometime around 2014.

Hairless and swimming in a carbonated sea

Feels like fall this week. I find it difficult to believe that October is mere days away. One happy thing is wearing light-weight sweaters. I think clothes-wise I’m happiest in the fall. Long sleeves and jeans, woo-hoo! I can shave my legs less often and don’t have to think about the gross dry skin on my elbows and how much bat-flap there is under my arms.

When I daydream about my Dad winning the lottery (I never play, but he does), I dream of the usual things: pay off the mortgage, new car, quit work, travel, redecorate. But I also think about those little luxuries that are too expensive for my salary, but would do in a second if I had the chance. Always on this list is permanent hair removal. I don’t care how tedious or painful it is if means never having to shave again. As a blond, laser treatments won’t work for me, so it looks like electrolysis is the only way. I’ve looked into just doing the pits, but it is still way to expensive.

Way more info than you ever wanted? Yeah, I have that tendency.

I haven’t had sugar for 8.5 days now, I’d say nine, but I haven’t had dinner yet. I’ve decided that Diet Coke is the next thing to go. I’ve been craving it. I want to drink it all day. I want to bath in it. I’d swim in it if I could. Therefore it must go. I can’t afford to think about any food that much. Next Monday is the first Coke-free day.

Life without Diet Coke seems dull though. It is the only diet beverage I allow myself. So when that goes away I’m left with iced tea and water. I like sparkling water, but most restaurants don’t carry it, and the ones that do charge way too much. Plus there are no free refills for any bottled water. Leaving me with iced tea, which is a good option, but about half the restaurants I frequent serve lousy, bitter tea that needs a sweetener to take that edge off.

I know water is the healthiest option, but dullsville. I’ll have to buy a variety of sparkling water for next week. I like La Croix sparkling lime and Perrier. I know I’ll be fine; it’s the transition that hurts.

I wonder if there is anymore caffeine-free Diet Coke in the vending machine.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

I’m watching the season premiere of West Wing while I write this. The intro was kind of tricky, it came really close to revealing the next president’s identity, then didn’t. Drat. I just got back from my Sunday OA meeting. It was good. I was so happy to see everyone. I haven’t eaten sweets since Monday. On my seventh day of avoiding sugar (yes, including ketchup, must go to Whole Foods to get some without sugar in it) I’m obsessing about Diet Coke and anything with white flour. I’m not sure which one to give up next. I have to keep going with this, but right now the thought of giving up either one makes me feel grumpy.

Someone told me after the meeting that they could see a difference in me when I walked in the room. She called it the OA glow. I think I’m starting to understand what that means. I’ve learned so much about myself since I walked into my first meeting in February. For the last few months I was a bit perturbed at all the things I was expected to “give up” to recover from compulsive overeating.

It was obvious that I would have to change a lot about my relationship to food, but when I learned that I would need to change my relationship with myself and how I relate to others it just too much. Yes, I’ll give up sugar, I thought, but what does gossiping have to do with it? I have a fairly dark sense of humor. Sarcasm is one of my favorite forms of expression. Will I have to change my whole self to recover from this disease? To put it mildly, I was pissed. I was settled nice and comfy on my own little pity potty.

Yesterday while getting my haircut, I made a remark. It was meant to be humorous, but the second it left my mouth I knew it wasn’t funny. It was mean spirited and petty. I felt diminished. Tonight heard several phrases that made me giggle inside. One was “pity potty,” another was “mental masturbation.” When someone said they had “medical problems up the wazoo” I thought, “ooh, no one wants problems up there.”

Driving home I realized that my sense of humor doesn’t need to change. As I work to become the best me I’m capable of being, I’m subtracting negative factors in my life. If I remove the negative, my humor is still intact. I’ll continue to laugh at dirty jokes, bad puns and the ironic; I just won’t use humor as a weapon anymore. Even against myself.