Mom

Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of the day my Mom found out she had cancer. I didn’t even realize it until I went to bed. December 7th rang a bell in my head, but I will forever think of that day as a Friday. Monday would be my Mom’s 64th birthday if she had survived. When I remembered I immediately started writing this post in my head, replaying the details. Then I just let it go and cried for a while.

My mom had been suffering with horrible back pain for months. She went to her chiropractor but the pain just got worse. Her father had died at Christmas the year before and her mother moved in with them. Grandma had Alzheimer’s and was pretty gone already. Then grandma had a couple of strokes that spring and lost a lot of her mobility. She got really restless around 3 pm and wanted to walk around for hours. But she needed help. It was back breaking work and mom would not accept outside help. We all figured that her back was not healing because she kept heaving grandma everyday, all day.

She finally had an MRI done. We were all expecting a diagnosis of ruptured disk, so mom went to the doctor alone. What she heard instead was that she had cancer in her spine. Since bone cancer is pretty rare, they assumed it was metastasized from somewhere else. They would do tests to figure out where it had started, their best guess was breast cancer.

Mom heard this news by herself and then had to drive home. It must have been awful. She drove home and told my sister, who lives next-door. My dad was out of town on business. I didn’t find out until later because I was out running errands or something. What a terrible night that was. But we had no idea how bad the next five months would get.

I didn’t go to her. I stayed in my apartment and cried. I should have gone to her, but I didn’t know how. My mom and I had a difficult relationship and my sister was there for her. My sister called me about 1 am to talk. She knew I’d be up. We talked and cried. Then my sister saw that my mom’s bedroom light went on. She told me I should go over and comfort her. I said no.

I really didn’t think that my mom would want me there. I knew that Esmeralda would be more comforting. I really wish I had gone. It was stupid to think she wouldn’t want me there. After her first crush of despair, she never discussed dieing again. I wish I could have been there for her and for me. We all worked so hard to be positive after the initial shock wore off. I regret not going more than anything else.

Christmas has been bitter-sweet since December 2001. I did all mom’s Christmas shopping that year. She wanted it to be like normal but it wasn’t. Mom is the one who brought magic to the holidays. We’ve tried to keep it up, but it never really works. I miss her.

Comments

[Marisa]

I want to leave a comment for you after reading that, but I can't think of anything good to say. I am so sorry. I'm sending some love your way.
-Marisa