I’ve had a couple loosely connected thoughts buzzing around in my head for a couple days now. I want to write about them but I’m having trouble pinpointing what about these events is troubling me. It may not seem like it, but most of the time I’ve been thinking about something for a while before I share it. I’m sure it’s part of the “over thinking” I supposedly do.
My friend Serena got engaged this weekend. She has been seeing Ed for six months. They met through an online dating service. I’m thrilled for her. Since she started dating Ed she’s had a new quality in her voice. Serena is intense. Even when she is laughing something off, there is a passionate undercurrent. Lately there is a new dimension there. Like a layer of calm has been added to the passion. It doesn’t seem possible for someone to be calmly intense, maybe intensely calm? Maybe the difference is just self confidence.
Serena is one of the few friends from college I still keep in touch with. We were Painting majors together until she switched to Sculpture. I probably should have switched too, but I just started turning in 3D objects in my painting classes. We didn’t get along when we first met. We both felt strongly about things and were vocal about our views. We clashed. Neither of us can remember how, but sometime between the start of Junior year and our final semester at U of I we became good friends. I pulled all-nighters frequently the spring of ’92 and she was often there with me. She’d bring a project into my studio space and we’d talk and watch movies on my 11 inch black and white TV while we worked.
She is one of my few remaining single friends. Is that why I feel a pang when I think of Serena getting married?
At the Halloween party this weekend, someone decided that I would be a good match for her friend Chris. She thought it was a very good idea. Then she decided that I would be really good for him, but he might not be very good for me. I’m glad he wasn’t there. I don’t know anything about him, but it could have been embarrassing to have the slightly drunken hostess telling us we’re perfect for each other.
I don’t know if anyone has ever said that to me. It made me feel good that someone wanted to set me up. It doesn’t matter how misguided the thought may have been. The thought just doesn’t usually occur to people. I hope the thought occurs to more people when I’m ready.
I don’t want to date right now. I’ve got enough mental turmoil right now without adding something I can really get dramatic about into the mix. It’s not just my weight. I am working to fix some things that are broken in my life. But even if I felt emotionally ready to date, I wouldn’t trust anyone who wanted to date me.
I don’t understand chubby chasers and even though I think it’s every girl’s dream to have someone love you just the way you are (a la Bridget Jones), I don’t think it’s realistic. I see fat women in new relationships and I just don’t get it. Maybe that’s something else for me to work on. It’s hard to believe men can get past the visual hang-up of dating a fat chick unless there is something seriously wrong with him. I’m not talking about long-time couples where one or both have gained weight. I’m talking about really big women who date. I just don’t understand. I hear the jingle from the MadTV fake commercials for “Lowered Expectations” in my head.
The combination of Serena’s engagement and the suggestion of a set-up have got my brain heading down rarely used paths. I had hoped writing it out would clarify, but not so far. Maybe I’m just starting to feel left behind? Or maybe I’m beginning to believe that I could be sane enough someday to be in a real relationship.
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