Whatever it takes

Still stagnant

Sigh.

It has been really hard for me to work my program lately. I still go to meetings and take calls. I even make calls. I've called my sponsor more in the last few weeks than I have for a long time. I'm just not feeling it.

I feel irritated by fellow OAers who don't stay consistent in meeting attendance. So many regulars aren't showing up anymore. It's frustrating. I really don't want to carry the key or lead meetings every week. I don't like being the only sponsor at a meeting. I much prefer my Sunday meeting where there are often 12 people and 9 are sponsors. I've grown impatient with those who haven't moved forward in their programs. There are so many people who are afraid to sponsor because they don't feel good enough. Nobody would ever sponsor if that were the criteria.

So what's going on that I want to take everybody's inventory but my own? I haven't moving in step 9 for months. Sure I do living amends all the time, just did some today. But I need to find someone I worked for 21 years ago and I don't really want to put in the time and effort.

Also still farting around with food plan changes. My food got a bit loosey-goosey for a bit there. I've been losing and gaining the same two pounds for months now. My food is clean this week and that feels better.

I talked my attitude over with my sponsor. She says I'm totally normal and this is a normal phase in my program. It feels good to be average. I resent like hell that the same effort I put in for the last few years isn't enough to keep me abstinent now, but it is awesome that I'm just an average compulsive overeater and this this too shall pass. I just have to keep showing up and working to the best of my ability each day.

Ugh. I read an article on becoming an early morning person instead of a night owl. I think I need to implement the steps. The main changes would be getting up at the same time even on weekends (Yuck!) and on awakening go outside for a 30 minute walk (What? Yuck, yuck, yuck!) There are a few other things, but those are the two that would be the biggest changes. I say I want to get to work on time consistently and become reliable. I'm I willing to actually make the changes that would make that happen?

Stay tuned...

Step nine progress, target me

I did two things today that moved me forward within step nine. I made a dentist appointment and an appointment for a physical. Big deal right? No big deal. Except that it took me from September until today to make those calls.

Living amends to myself means taking care of myself. I have not been to the doctor or dentist in three years. I'm not anxious about the physical. I've lost about 90 pounds since my last visit and just had blood work done so I know I'm okay. I need to get references to get the cysts* on my head removed and probably should get my first mamogram and see a dermatologist to check out my moles. I'm a moley girl, always have been. There are some in the center of my back that I can't keep an eye on and have a low level background fear about melanoma.**

I am afraid of the dentist though. If I don't make an appointment for my six month checkup I never go. I get the postcards every six months and then never do anything until I find myself in pain. I'm not in pain, but there is stuff going on in there that I don't want to think about. I always feel shame when I go in. I am not a regular flosser and it is embarrassing and painful when they settle in to chip off the plaque. I know that once I go for my checkup there will be countless followup appointments for crowns, root canals and who knows what else. I think my gums are receding. I'm running out of whole teeth.  I don't want to be the old lady with loose dentures. Bionic dentures might be interesting. Hmm.

Anyway, I see my doctor next week and my dentist next month. It feels good to have those things off my list of things to do.

 

* Had one since collage. My dad had them too. In the last year it got bigger and a second one sprouted. They are front left side of my head. The original one is big enough that my hairdresser noticed. Time to get them removed. Hate the thought of shaved areas and scars on my scalp.

** "I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!"***

*** Yes, this bit really does goes through my head every single time I encounter the word Melanoma. Every. Single. Time.

Four pounds less, Happy Birthday to me

I've lost four more pounds. I have now lost 93 pounds. I'm really happy about that. So far I haven't gotten freaky about how close to 100 pounds I am. Maybe I got that out of my system a few months ago, or it could hit me when I least expect it. For today, right now, I am content with myself exactly as I am.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It was a nice day. I didn't have any plans, but that was fine with me. I had no expectations for the day and so just relaxed and went with the flow. I read in the morning, went to my favorite eating hole for lunch, bought some thread for my new sewing machine and went to my sister's house. I hung out there for a bit, then took the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble they gave me and went shopping. I bought a globe, a laminated map of Illinois for the car, three CDs, and a sewing book. I love shopping with gift certificates. I'm getting more disciplined too, I only had to add $3.33 to complete the transaction. I used to spend at least 50% more than the gift amount.

Then I went back to my sister's house to swim and eat. She ordered pizza and salad. She put candles on the candle and they all sang Happy Birthday to me (the neighbors were over too). It was nice to have pizza out. I've been wanting it (yes, it is on my food plan), but I tend to over eat it. It's nice to have a portion, then not have any left overs. I did eat it rather fast though, because by the time it arrived I had 15 minutes to eat before I had to go home to catch my ride to a meeting.

Yes, I went to a meeting on my birthday. I haven't been to that meeting in over two years. A friend invited me to go with them and I accepted. It felt right to go. I'm so grateful for my life right now and it is all due to the program. The speaker was great and I saw a few people I knew. The topic was steps 8 & 9.

At first I was disappointed because I had just gone over step 8 on Sunday with my sponsor. It was good though, because it reminded me that I need to start making my step 9 amends now. I don't want to sit here at 9 for a year like I did for 8.

There are some amends that I thought I would not have to make that I do. There some amends I thought I would have to make that I don't. It's hard to think of the financial amends I owe. It is hard for me to let go of money. I can tell that I will feel better when they are done. I'm relieved I don't owe amends to my dad. I need to find a way to forgive him, but that is part of my self-amends. I am to write letters to my parents explaining what I needed to get from them that I did not. It is not to be given to them, it is for me to work through it.

I'm glad I got step eight done before my birthday. I feel clean. I was starting to beat myself up over my lack of forward progress. The speaker last night reminded me that it is after the ninth step that the obsession with food shall be lifted. My sponsor had reminded me that the promises are at the end of step nine, but I hadn't thought specifically about food.

I had some insanity yesterday at lunch about food. I had planned to get one of my usual meals at the cafe. Standing in line it felt like there would not be enough. I wanted more than one dish. I wanted a bit of everything. I tried to convince myself that having a pretzel roll on my birthday was acceptable, even though bread as a side is specifically not in my plan. I wanted to treat myself to excess food on my birthday. Knowing how crazy that is doesn't stop me. "Self-knowledge avails us nothing." I don't remember thinking of any specific tools, but I did order one of my usuals. I did however order extra chips. "It's my birthday, I can't have cake but I can eat extra potato chips." Not the worse thing in the world, but not sane either. I was, of course, stuffed when I finished. The portions were, as usual, big and filling.

I'm going to my usual Tuesday night meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think I should add in extra meetings occasionally, it adds some zest.

Moving on

The wake/memorial thing was okay. I saw a couple friends I hadn't seen in years and that was nice, but I didn't know anyone else. I did talk to Jamie's mom and brought her over to where we were sitting. She seemed touched that we came. I ate before I went and then went straight to a meeting. I don't know if I would have stuck to my food plan for dinner. I became a non-issue when my sponsor asked me to have dinner with her.

It was really nice. I need to make an effort to see her outside of meetings more often.

We scheduled time on September 2 to go over my eighth step. She said I need to move forward. We'll talk about the people I've finished writing about. Only the really hard ones are left: mom, dad, myself. I am to write on these 10 minutes at a time. I'm supposed to set a timer and stop at 10 minutes. Then next time, read what I wrote the time before and the set the timer for 10 minutes and write again. Apparently this is a way to write about ugly, painful things without killing yourself. I worried that I wouldn't really accomplish anything from one writing to another, but she said when I reread what I wrote before I'll come right back to where I left off. So this is what I will do.

I should have been ready to make amends yesterday when I saw a friend I hadn't seen in 15 years. I made sure I got her contact information though and she is living in state again, so at least I don't have to track her down before I make my amends to her.

Their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality

Someone just told me I’m an OA rock star; that I’ve got this program thing figured out. After a brief moment of pleasure, I thanked them and said they were wrong. I’m doing well and I am working my program, but maybe I’m sharing too much hope and strength at meetings? I do share struggles, but lately what comes out is that life is pretty good and I’m happy. I pray to be useful before I share, so I don’t want to start second guessing myself.

I think this is why my sponsor told be to make sure I reach out to non-sponsees the more sponsees I get. She said it’s easy to become an OA queen. I didn’t think I was doing that, in fact I was a bit defensive about it. This tells me I need to listen and take her suggestions. I’m glad I give people hope, but I’m no better or worse than anyone else in the rooms.

I worked a sixth and seventh step on Sunday afternoon. It was cool. I’m not sure how helpful it was to her, but I got a lot out of it. Ideas are become more solid in my head and heart. My character defects separate me from my HP and make it difficult to take loving actions in all areas of my life. The absence of these shortcomings allows my live with grace. Pretty much the opposite of each of my defects is grace. I was positively sappy yesterday. My heart was full.

And yet, I’m still having a bread problem and I’ve been on step eight for almost a year. I’m following my food plan, but my thinking is not sane when a sandwich is an option. If I was entirely ready to do whatever it takes I’d be talking this over with my sponsor. I have not done so; even though I saw her last night at a meeting. I am not a rock star. I am one bite away from losing the serenity I’ve worked so hard to find.

Enough already

I called my sponsor on my way to work this morning. Why don’t I call her more often? I turn it into a ‘have to’ situation. I really do like talking with her. She has years of experience in OA and always has an answer. Why would people pick me to sponsor then when there are people with long term recovery who have seen it all? Sometimes I feel I’m cheating my sponsees when I have no personal experience with something they are asking me about. But all I can do is share my own experience and I’m getting more comfortable saying, “I don’t know.”

Today I asked my sponsor about all the little stupid things that I’m carrying around that didn’t make it onto my 4th step inventory. Mostly stupid mistakes I’ve made that I can’t let go of. Little things like when I’ve misunderstood what someone was asking and answered the wrong question. She said that is perfectionism and it belongs on my list. So now I’ve got to write them down when they occur to me. One that I used as an example is trivial, but I’m still hanging on to it.

About twelve years ago a coworker asked me about a picture I had on my desk of a friend. It was a picture I took of David standing next to his car in winter. My coworker pointed at the picture and asked if he skied. I assumed he was asking because of David’s North Face coat and answered that he managed a North Face store. I realized later that he was pointing at the Thule rack on David’s car. The answer he was looking for was, “No. He bikes.” So why on earth am I still pulling out that brief, utterly forgettable conversation? I made a simple mistake. I’m sure the coworker forgot what I said the moment I walked away. I still want to go back and correct my blunder. According to my sponsor, this is living in perfectionism. This makes sense. I want to let this crap go.

Humble pie

Crap. I broke my abstinence on Friday night. I was at an OA Big Book Study retreat. After a really powerful part one from the speaker I went to my room, got ready for bed and got into bed. I then got out of bed and got most of what I had brought for breakfast. I had realized when I read the menu that I would not be needing it for breakfast. I ate 8 triscuits, 1/2 cup sunflower seeds and a large granny smith apple. I left one serving of triscuits and an apple uneaten.

The foods and even the amounts are not the problem here. The problem is that I do not eat between meals. I purposefully choose to act in a harmful way.

The good news is that I was able to get back on track the next day. I didn't tell anyone about it until lunch time. I called my sponsor and an OA friend that afternoon. My sponsor had me write down all the things which led to my binge. (For make no mistake, this was a binge of compulsive eating.) Here are some of the things that led me to break my abstinence:

• I'd been keeping secrets. Little things I ought to have talked with my sponsor about right away I kept to myself. Sometimes I shared in meetings, but this is not the same.
• I stopped reading from the Big Book in the morning and before bed.
• I stopped writing here at WIT.
• I hardly made any OA calls.
• I ignored a new sponsee when she emailed and left messages.
• I delayed calling my sponsees back.
• I did not work on my steps for several months.
• I wallowed in fear (new job, refused favors, fear of rejection)
• I started feeling like I wanted to get away with stuff in my food plan. My portions got really big and my choices became more starchy.
• My morning prayers became more difficult to focus on and say completely.

I didn't stop going to any of my meetings, which before has been an obvious warning sign. But each of these things about were moving me toward the food and away from my higher power.

The speaker pounded it into my head that every action is either moving you toward God or moving you toward the food. There is no middle ground. Every thought and action moves you one way or the other. Knowing that the food is fatal puts the spotlight on how crazy I am to take a single step toward the food.

I ate because I am a compulsive overeater. I am abstinent today because I am working my program.

Deeper into step 7

I think I've mentioned that I'm reading the AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in the morning and before bed. I'm getting a lot from it. I finished reading step seven this morning. I've got to make sure my sponsees read this book.  The OA 12 & 12 is wishy-washy compared to  AA 12 & 12.  Sure it's nice to read specific COE examples, but I don't remember anything so blunt as this. From Step 7 (emphasis mine):

"Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us. Then, in A.A., we looked and listened. Everywhere we saw failure and misery transformed by humility into priceless assets. We heard story after story of how humility had brought strength out of weakness. In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life."

In every case? This is comforting in a way. I've been in plenty of pain as a direct result of working the steps. I wasn't expecting it, I wouldn't have volunteered for it, but it has resulted in growth because I did not use over it. Suffering sucks, but because of OA the suffering ends. I don't think I've ever pushed through the pain of anything before. I used food to numb myself, therefore the pain was just shoved down with the junk food and festered.

After taking step five I was miserable. I discovered that I was mentally and physically abused by my parents. My world turned upside-down. I could not function. I called my sponsor in pain and told her I could not handle it. She told me to push through it. The pain would end if I let myself feel it. If I ate over it I would just have to live through it again later. I trusted her. I used the tools and I lived with the pain. She was right. In a few months I felt balanced again. Now I find myself more sensitive to abusive actions of others. But I'm not in that self-centered, fragile place anymore. Plus I can share with people that they probably will experience pain working the steps, but I can assure them that it does get better.

I'm really grateful for Overeaters Anonymous and for the experience, strength and hope that I've heard from others.

I was going to write about another passage, but I have to go to a meeting.

-2 plus crazy = diet math

I lost two pounds this month. I have now lost 83 pounds. I was a little disappointed. I have noticed definite signs of shrinkage this month. My watch is getting loose and people are starting to tell me how good I look. Like an anti-growth spurt.

I can’t remember if I lost 83 or 87 pounds when I was in weight watchers in 2001-2. I threw out all the weigh-in records and food journals. I’m within a few pounds of being the lightest I’ve been in years. This is cool, yet very dangerous for me to dwell on. So I’m done for now with that.

I’m on step eight. I have my list, so now I am to write down what I’ve done to each person on it and figure out how to make amends. I’m not supposed to actually make the amends, just write it out and then talk to my sponsor about each one. It’s harder than I thought it would be.

Per instructions, I put myself at the top of the list. To amend something is to change it. I’m to look at all the ways I hurt myself and figure out what must be changed to stop doing that. I have a few good examples in my notes at home. One example might be that I sabotage my financial security by not paying bills even though I have the money. I procrastinate and before I know it my credit card gets rejected. I damage my credit score and embarrass myself for no purpose. I know it has to do with my attitude of scarcity. I hate to give my money away. (As if settling my debts is a voluntary act of charity or something. I think maturity and entitlement come into play as well.) So I turned all my character defects over in step seven, including procrastination and greed. Now in step eight I’m starting to figure out specific behaviors that should change to stop hurting myself. I’ve been trying to get my shit together in this area for years. This is a new context for me though. I don’t even know if I’m on the right track with that. I’ll have to talk it over with my sponsor.

They say thoughts without action will avail me nothing. Step nine, if I’m on target, will be a process of changing that pattern. I should probably work on the others on my list concurrently; I’m so self-destructive I may never get around to anyone else if I don’t.

Grace of my heart

Saturday morning I went to my sponsor’s house and went over all of the character defects I identified in the sixth step. I’m so glad I did. On her suggestion I wrote my defects on rocks. They gathered dust on a bookshelf in my bedroom for a couple months. I did step six by myself, but it didn’t seem complete until Saturday.

I pulled each rock out of the bag read them aloud. Some rocks needed a little explanation. Some were not really defects, but as we talked about each rock I had a series of “ah-ha!” moments. For each defect she asked me what it would look like if HP removed it. A few of these defects are so embedded in my actions I could not conceive of their absence. It got easier as the bag grew lighter. Many of the rocks had the same defect but from different behaviors.

A couple times I got anxious until she reminded me that I cannot remove them, I can only be willing to let them go. I’ve been saying the seventh step prayer each morning since May, but without knowing what I was asking for. For example, I’ve been willing to be relieved of perfectionism, but didn’t know what that would look like. If I’m not attempting to achieve perfection in all I do, what do I shoot for?

The first thought that occurred to me was the 80/20 rule we have at work. It’s kind of a joke, because even though we’re told that 80% error free is good enough, in practice it rarely is. They budget for 80% but expect 100% perfection. Or if they don’t expect it, I do. My sponsor said that was great. 80% is mastery of a subject. I pointed out that it was only a B. She said Bs are good, better than average is a fine goal. This is foreign to me. I shook my head and argued a bit more. She asked me if I would praise my nephew if he got 80% right on a test of challenging material. My answer was yes, of course I would. So why would I not be proud of myself for the same thing.

This is a hard concept for me, but the current behavior, perfectionism, hasn’t worked for a long time. It leads me to procrastination and paralysis. Luckily I don’t have to remove it myself. I just have to pray to HP and be willing to have it removed. It helps to know what it could look like in my life.

Much of our conversation boiled down to grace. The opposite of my defects is grace. Road rage? Grace. Tantrums? Grace. Fear of change? Grace. It’s all about me? Grace. Now I have a better idea of what grace looks like in my life.

I am so grateful to my sponsor. I am now ready to make my eighth step list.