Whatever it takes

Integrity and Grace

I've been thinking a lot about integrity lately. I was thinking about it before this post at Angry Fat Girlz, but that helped refine it, focus it in my head. I'm seeing clear consequences of not acting with integrity lately. I only seem to struggle with food choices when I've not done what I ought in other areas.

Since taking step seven I've thought about living with grace a lot. The removal of each one of my character defects results in grace. Take away procrastination, grace. Relieve me of perfectionism, grace. Accepting I cannot control most everything in my life, grace. So if grace is what is left in the absence of my shortcomings, I don't want to fuck it up, but I do need to take actions.I want to act with intentional integrity.

I have trouble getting out of bed most days. I binge on the snooze alarm. Last night I recorded a message to myself on my cell phone alarm. I reminded myself that getting out of bed at 8am is acting with integrity and that I didn't act with integrity on Friday and it made me feel like shit. The solution to that isn't to stay in bed again today and wallow in it. It is to get up and do what I need to today so that I don't feel shitty and maybe it will be just a little bit easier tomorrow. I did get out of bed at 8. It felt good, even though I didn't want to do it.

There are so many opportunities throughout the day to live in grace and integrity. I've got a lot more in my head about it, but it isn't translating into words this morning. For today it is enough.

Me Jane

I weighed myself last week. I've lost another pound. I've now lost 89 pounds since becoming abstinent. I was expecting a bigger loss. I felt like I'd lost more than 16 ounces. Maybe that was the four pounds from last month catching up. I'm twenty-one days from turning 38. This spring I was doing DietMath to figure out how much I would have to lose to hit 100 pounds lost by my birthday. I won't be weighing myself again before September 3rd, so I know my number. It's 89 and I'm satisfied with that. What does my birthday have to do with my weight anyway?

Last week at a meeting someone shared a metaphor that I've been thinking about a lot. Program is like swinging on a vine Tarzan-style. When you hit the highest point on your swing you better grab on to the next vine or you'll be going backward. I've got to keep moving on my steps or my program will fall back. I know this. I've experienced it, yet I keep doing just enough work on my eighth step to keep from falling back, yet I'm not ready to finish it and grab the next step. Oh crap, now I've got that yodeling Tarzan-boy song in my head. (Oh-oh-oh---oh-oh---oh-oh--oh-oh-oh---oh-oh--oh...)

I think I'm a new grand sponsor. That's so cool! It makes me feel really connected to the program. Someone I've shared my experience, strength and hope with is now passing her ESH to someone new. I still feel like very much a newcomer, there is so much I don't know. But this makes me think of all the people in program, past, present and future. I'm a part of it. I love OA.

Surrender of bread as side or meal

I'm doing much much better this week. I surrendered bread as a side or main course of meals after my Tuesday night meeting. My sponsor was there. She has only attended that meeting twice in the two years I've been going.  (Is it odd? Or is it god?)  I shared first and I think it went something like this, "So bread, step one is good. Bread. Bread Bread. Bread fucking bread with butter. Help!" Then I shut up and listened to what some saner people had to say. By the end of the meeting I was ready to do whatever it takes for recovery again.

I was still afraid my sponsor would suggest cutting all refined flour, but I was willing to do it if she said I should. She didn't. She asked what I was struggling with. I am not eating sides of bread (rolls, bread, crackers) or as a meal. I've avoided a few places where it might be too tempting, but it's been pretty easy since I made the decision to surrender it.

Surrender has been popping up all over the place for me. My morning prayers have been truncated too. Pretty much boiling down to, "I surrender. All of me. Whatever it takes." Too much structure equals too much thought right now.

Funnily, within a day of giving up bread I felt thinner and healthier.

I have been indulging in fantasy as escape lately. Haven't been this obsessed since my Vin Diesel kick a few years back. I've talked about it a bit with OA people and so it's fading faster than usual. It can't be coincidence that I get obsessively compulsive about Chris Eccleston the day after I surrender bread. (Chris is the 9th Doctor Who and lovely in a  lanky, intense British way.) I've added most everything available on Netflix and bought the 2005 series of Doctor Who. I'm grateful for Netflix. In the Vin Diesel days I bought everything, including a collection of short films that features a self-made story that brought him to the attention of Spielberg.

So a minor indulgence in fantasy (should it be a destination wedding do you think?) to get through the uncomfortable changes in my food plan seems okay. I haven't mentioned it to my sponsor. I probably should.

My excellent mood may also be related to my decision to take next week off work. A nine day vacation sounds lovely.

Maintaining

I stayed the same in weight this month. I was kind of expecting that. I knew I wasn't being "bad," but I also knew I wasn't being "good." After gaining two pounds last month I had a sort of attitude of why be good now, I'm already fucking up, why not wallow for a bit. I didn't get back to eating a salad for a meal once a day. Not that I didn't eat salads, I did. Just not everyday. Then of course there was the slip. It feels wierd to call it a slip. It was a deliberate break in abstinence. But I got right back on. I guess this is what people mean when the say they don't have perfect abstinence. Not that I would have called my abstinence perfect before the big slip, but I'm still uncomfortable about it.

*****Warning! Specific food talk. Potential trigger subject matter. *********

It is hard for me to say, "I've lost 84 pounds."  I was able to say 86 pounds, I didn't want to go back. But I've made myself say the smaller number when it comes up. It hurts, but it's honest. It is the true number. The fact that I want to lie about it, tells me it is important to be truthful.

I think I may have to give up bread.

Just writing that was painful so I left it all alone on its own line. Bread has started to creep into my day in a big way. I've been justifying eating an extra roll at my favorite cafe. It always makes sense at the time, but it never feels good. I've been afraid it might come to this and I've hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I think I'm powerless over bread. Bread and butter to be precise. I think about it between meals. How can I get more bread. Crap. Crap. Crap. I do not want to give it up! I just don't. I want to be willing to do whatever it takes, but I do not want to do this.

I'm not quite as dramatic about white (or french or italian or pretzel or sourdough) as I was about sugar. Before I gave up sugar I didn't think life would be worth living with out it. How sick is that. Seriously fucked up thinking. Life has been better without sugar. But bread will not only cause me lack of enjoyment, but convience as well. In a hurry? Buy a sandwich. What about pizza? I've already limited my consumption of this food of the gods because I would eat it everyday if it was healthy. Obviously I need to do some more writing and talking about this. I have to talk with my sponsor.

A sponsee called this morning while I was driving to work. She is changing her abstinence to cut out all her binge foods; refined flour breads are part of this. It was what I needed to hear, but I was pissed off too. Because I do not want to go there.

I''m sitting here writing this and also figuring out where to eat before my meeting tonight to get maximum bread intake before I become willing to do this. I want to go to a bakery and buy a big loaf of french bread to eat with some quality unsalted butter. I did have a salad for lunch so technically wouldn't be breaking my abstinence, but it sounds like a bad idea.

Compulsive overeating is a bitch.

Humble pie

Crap. I broke my abstinence on Friday night. I was at an OA Big Book Study retreat. After a really powerful part one from the speaker I went to my room, got ready for bed and got into bed. I then got out of bed and got most of what I had brought for breakfast. I had realized when I read the menu that I would not be needing it for breakfast. I ate 8 triscuits, 1/2 cup sunflower seeds and a large granny smith apple. I left one serving of triscuits and an apple uneaten.

The foods and even the amounts are not the problem here. The problem is that I do not eat between meals. I purposefully choose to act in a harmful way.

The good news is that I was able to get back on track the next day. I didn't tell anyone about it until lunch time. I called my sponsor and an OA friend that afternoon. My sponsor had me write down all the things which led to my binge. (For make no mistake, this was a binge of compulsive eating.) Here are some of the things that led me to break my abstinence:

• I'd been keeping secrets. Little things I ought to have talked with my sponsor about right away I kept to myself. Sometimes I shared in meetings, but this is not the same.
• I stopped reading from the Big Book in the morning and before bed.
• I stopped writing here at WIT.
• I hardly made any OA calls.
• I ignored a new sponsee when she emailed and left messages.
• I delayed calling my sponsees back.
• I did not work on my steps for several months.
• I wallowed in fear (new job, refused favors, fear of rejection)
• I started feeling like I wanted to get away with stuff in my food plan. My portions got really big and my choices became more starchy.
• My morning prayers became more difficult to focus on and say completely.

I didn't stop going to any of my meetings, which before has been an obvious warning sign. But each of these things about were moving me toward the food and away from my higher power.

The speaker pounded it into my head that every action is either moving you toward God or moving you toward the food. There is no middle ground. Every thought and action moves you one way or the other. Knowing that the food is fatal puts the spotlight on how crazy I am to take a single step toward the food.

I ate because I am a compulsive overeater. I am abstinent today because I am working my program.

Real changes

On Saturday morning I ran into my first grade Sunday school teacher. She is a special lady and I’ve always felt connected with her. She must be 91 by now. When I think of people who practice what they preach religion-wise she is at the top of the list. For as long as I’ve known her she has worn her long white hair in a braid and coiled at the base of her skull. My mother washed and braided her hair for years in her basement beauty shop. When I she died my sister took over for her. Sis had been doing it whenever my mom was out of town and then when mom was sick, so it was natural.

All that exposition to explain that I don’t see Fran often, but my sister sees her every Saturday morning.  It was great to see her. She has always seen only the best in me. She told me how happy she was for me, how good I look and how proud of me she is. She said she asks about me every week and has been thrilled to hear that I’ve been happy. My sister told her I’ve been happy.

About six months into my abstinence I asked my sister if she had noticed how much I’ve changed. She told me she hadn’t noticed any changes except in my diet. This pissed me off. I’d made so many changes inside that I couldn’t believe she did not feel it too. This forced me to take an honest look at myself. I had to admit that none of my actions had changed, only my food plan.

Now I know that she has noticed real change in me. She noticed I am happier and told Fran about it. The only book she’s ever given me is “You Can Be Happy No Matter What”  she saw it in a store and thought of me. It pissed me off. I love getting books as gifts, but self-help books are double-edged. Loving Friend says, “I thought of you when I saw this book for fucked up people, just like you. Hope it fixes your problem.”

It’s nice to know that my happiness is not just an internal change.

Inside out

I'm at the MAI-OA conference. I'm taking a little me time. A speaker this morning said she was asked by a non-OA if the conference is fun. She couldn't say it was fun, exactly. Instead it is real. This is true. Even more this third time here. I see a lot of familiar faces. I'm present. I reside in my body more than I used to. Not in a self-conscience way, just solidly here instead of floating around as a brain with eyes and a mouth.

Ah yes, the mouth. I think I'm listening more. I certainly have more patience for other people this year. It's much easier to coexist with a lot of people (especially people with the same disease I have) when I don't feel like I have to control the world. How much time have I wasted ordering others around? Even when it's just in my head. Letting go of trying to order the world as I think it should be is such a relief.

I've just come from a guided writing workshop. When we wrote about spirituality as the foundation for this program I felt a little bit of my soul open up. Spirituality has been an incremental process for me. No burning bushes, not yet anyway. This is part of what I wrote:

I know that prayer works. Sometimes I try to figure out why. I look for clues. I want to know the physics of prayer. With experience I let go of logic. For me this is trust. The more I trust, the better prayer works. I open. I come out of self and see with clear eyes. I listen. I thought it would be painful to feel my soul twist inside-out. I am free. There is more of everything outside myself. Yes, there is pain, but there is joy.

I've met some really cool people. The speakers have made me think, laugh and cry. I have a new sponsee. I've bought way too many raffle tickets for baskets of stuff I don't need. I'll probably buy some more when I go back down. The money is for the intergroup and I don't think I'll be as crazy as I've been at other times when I don't win anything. (Unless I win everything. That would be weird too.)

I am having fun. It is real and sometimes intense and I am enjoying myself.

Choices: work and food

I decided to take the second offer instead of waiting for the potential other position to open. To clarify, I took the offer made to me on Wednesday not the one I've been trying to get since early December.

In the end it was simple. The promotion and money are the same, each position has similar pros and cons, and both will be easier to perform if I shift my core working hours to start at 8am. I choose to work with the people I know and trust. My direct supervisor is the most level-headed man I've ever worked with. His boss is the one who offered the position. I've worked with him sporadically for about six years. I was staffed on his team right before my depression got so bad I couldn't function and to a three month leave of absence. He knows what I am capable of—good and bad—and wants to work with me anyway.

I'll have to go through the same HR process, apply for position, interview, wait, wait some more. But the job is mine. The HR process is a formality.

Did I mention I prayed like a madwoman about this? I did. I prayed for the right choice to become more appealing. I prayed to not make a choice based on ego. I talked with people. The loving choice quickly became clear.

At meeting last night we talked about step two. Learning to trust my higher power and go to HP in all things is not a comfortable process for me. It's taken a lot of practice. It was good to be reminded that I can forget about the religious doctrines and doubts and act as-if when I need to. That it is up to me to take loving action also jumped out at me.

I did a quick forth step inventory of someone involved with the frustrating wait at work. It turned it over to my sponsor. She said I still have some work to do there, but I have less bitterness than I was starting to have. Writing down my resentments and then figuring out what my part in it was therapeutic.

I weighed myself last week. I am the same. No weight loss or gain in February. So it is definitely time to change my food plan. I find this terrifying. I've been eating the same for a while now. I need to continue losing weight, but I'm resistant to changing my portions or choice of food. I want to continue eating large portions of whatever I want (within my abstinence) but I want to lose weight while doing it. I ate over it this weekend. I slipped on Saturday by eating an extra roll. I also rewarded (comforted) myself on Friday morning with a second McD breakfast sandwich. Both of these things are breaks of my abstinence. I have reported the roll but not the McD to my sponsor. I'll have to come clean about both. These are very dangerous choices for me. I must stay abstinent to maintain the sanity I've found in OA.

Grace of my heart

Saturday morning I went to my sponsor’s house and went over all of the character defects I identified in the sixth step. I’m so glad I did. On her suggestion I wrote my defects on rocks. They gathered dust on a bookshelf in my bedroom for a couple months. I did step six by myself, but it didn’t seem complete until Saturday.

I pulled each rock out of the bag read them aloud. Some rocks needed a little explanation. Some were not really defects, but as we talked about each rock I had a series of “ah-ha!” moments. For each defect she asked me what it would look like if HP removed it. A few of these defects are so embedded in my actions I could not conceive of their absence. It got easier as the bag grew lighter. Many of the rocks had the same defect but from different behaviors.

A couple times I got anxious until she reminded me that I cannot remove them, I can only be willing to let them go. I’ve been saying the seventh step prayer each morning since May, but without knowing what I was asking for. For example, I’ve been willing to be relieved of perfectionism, but didn’t know what that would look like. If I’m not attempting to achieve perfection in all I do, what do I shoot for?

The first thought that occurred to me was the 80/20 rule we have at work. It’s kind of a joke, because even though we’re told that 80% error free is good enough, in practice it rarely is. They budget for 80% but expect 100% perfection. Or if they don’t expect it, I do. My sponsor said that was great. 80% is mastery of a subject. I pointed out that it was only a B. She said Bs are good, better than average is a fine goal. This is foreign to me. I shook my head and argued a bit more. She asked me if I would praise my nephew if he got 80% right on a test of challenging material. My answer was yes, of course I would. So why would I not be proud of myself for the same thing.

This is a hard concept for me, but the current behavior, perfectionism, hasn’t worked for a long time. It leads me to procrastination and paralysis. Luckily I don’t have to remove it myself. I just have to pray to HP and be willing to have it removed. It helps to know what it could look like in my life.

Much of our conversation boiled down to grace. The opposite of my defects is grace. Road rage? Grace. Tantrums? Grace. Fear of change? Grace. It’s all about me? Grace. Now I have a better idea of what grace looks like in my life.

I am so grateful to my sponsor. I am now ready to make my eighth step list.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Today is the first anniversary of my commitment to abstinence. I’ve written about this a lot in the last few weeks so I won’t re-hash how I finally managed to make it stick. I feel like I should be wearing a party hat today. This is a huge milestone for me and I couldn’t feel prouder.

Thank you to everyone reading this. WIT has been a positive force in my recovery. I’ve met some wonderful people struggling with the same disease through this blog.

I’m so frick’n grateful today. I’ve been fighting with the food again lately, but today life is good. I did have to talk myself out of breakfast from McD by way of celebration (I already had it this week, once is all I get). As soon as I decided to eat oatmeal at the office I was glad.

Last night I journaled before bed. I wrote a list of things I’ve learned this year. Here are some of those things:

1. I never regret making the most loving choice.
2. Prayer really does work, even though I have no idea why.
3. It’s okay to feel pain.
4. Pain will fade if I allow myself to feel it.
5. Participating in my life makes time move slower and faster at the same time.
6. I can enjoy myself at parties without breaking my abstinence.
7. I cannot fix other people.
8. I cannot recover in isolation.
9. Sponsors really do get a lot from their sponsees.
10. Guilt is a form of fear. If I identify the fear within the guilt it goes away, either because I face the cause and change it or accept that there is nothing I can do to change it.
11. The Big Book is awesome.
12. Name it. Claim it. Dump it.
13. Meetings bring me sanity.
14. Doing steps 1, 2, 3 & 7 every morning in the shower starts my day on the right foot.
15. I am lovable, flaws and all.