I'm back. I surrender. I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable. I've been struggling for a long time. I reconnected with my sponsor yesterday. We walked and talked for about an hour before a meeting. She isn't sure she is the right sponsor for me. She has always been type A and I am certainly not. When we tried to think of someone more like me, but with strong recovery we failed. All the people I know in the rooms that have similar approach or attitude are struggling or have fallen away completely. This is sobering. This is scary.
I just deleted a lovely metaphor I constructed. I built a nice little picture to explain my half-assed approaches of the past. But it was ego and indulgence and skips around the truth. If I don't start living in a way that demonstrates acceptance of Step One (I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable) I will die. My sponsor told me I am emotionally and spiritually dead already. Like her husband was before he finally died physically. She isn't sure she has what I need to recover.
My program is simple today:
- Call my sponsor every day.
- Call two other people in OA every day
- Follow my food plan
- Ask what is the next right thing to do.
- Do it.
- When my reaction is "I don't wanna!" Do it anyway.