Whatever it takes

Still stagnant

Sigh.

It has been really hard for me to work my program lately. I still go to meetings and take calls. I even make calls. I've called my sponsor more in the last few weeks than I have for a long time. I'm just not feeling it.

I feel irritated by fellow OAers who don't stay consistent in meeting attendance. So many regulars aren't showing up anymore. It's frustrating. I really don't want to carry the key or lead meetings every week. I don't like being the only sponsor at a meeting. I much prefer my Sunday meeting where there are often 12 people and 9 are sponsors. I've grown impatient with those who haven't moved forward in their programs. There are so many people who are afraid to sponsor because they don't feel good enough. Nobody would ever sponsor if that were the criteria.

So what's going on that I want to take everybody's inventory but my own? I haven't moving in step 9 for months. Sure I do living amends all the time, just did some today. But I need to find someone I worked for 21 years ago and I don't really want to put in the time and effort.

Also still farting around with food plan changes. My food got a bit loosey-goosey for a bit there. I've been losing and gaining the same two pounds for months now. My food is clean this week and that feels better.

I talked my attitude over with my sponsor. She says I'm totally normal and this is a normal phase in my program. It feels good to be average. I resent like hell that the same effort I put in for the last few years isn't enough to keep me abstinent now, but it is awesome that I'm just an average compulsive overeater and this this too shall pass. I just have to keep showing up and working to the best of my ability each day.

Ugh. I read an article on becoming an early morning person instead of a night owl. I think I need to implement the steps. The main changes would be getting up at the same time even on weekends (Yuck!) and on awakening go outside for a 30 minute walk (What? Yuck, yuck, yuck!) There are a few other things, but those are the two that would be the biggest changes. I say I want to get to work on time consistently and become reliable. I'm I willing to actually make the changes that would make that happen?

Stay tuned...

Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two

My name is Dodi and I'm a compulsive overeater.

Oh yes indeed I am. Before I promised not to research thyroid issues anymore I read that there are four types of thyroid cancer and the one of them is really bad with no treatment. My first thought after, "I'm dying" was "If I'm dying can I eat sugar again?" Seriously.

I started trying to figure out if I would need to stay abstinent if there was no hope. I can see that if I have something that must be fought I absolutely have to maintain abstinence. I'm helpless in the food and could never do whatever needed doing. But if there was nothing I could do, could I indulge? I could just give up and slip back into a candy-coated oblivion.

My sponsor pointed out that OA has ruined bingeing for me. She said that I would never get that same relief from food again. I believe her. It had lost much of it's power in the months before I finally got abstinent. So that kind of sucks. I'm in the game now like it or not.

The ultrasound was quick. I almost started crying during the procedure. I'm frightened of the results and desperately wanted the technician to say that everything was fine. Of course she couldn't say a thing, but I tried anyway. I should hear the results sometime this week.

I've tried not to talk about it much. After my first panic and desire to scream it from the rooftops I settled down and have worked to not be a drama queen. Which, if you knew me from before program very different behavior for me. Sure I blogged it, but I'm not calling you to talk endlessly about how sick I could be and how awful it is...blah, blah blah.

Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot to me.

Ignore the man behind the curtain

Things are a bit crazed at work. Well, to be fair, things are crazed in my head at work. My supervisor is out this afternoon and tomorrow because of a death in the family and I'm trying to do both our jobs. So, of course I am frozen with paralysis and am writing a blog entry instead of working on the two dozen tasks I must complete in the next two hours. Oh, and I just finished copying this recipe for homemade laundry detergent (powdered version, although the gel-like substance is tempting) into my organizer. It is that old pal instant gratification that makes me want to run over to Super Target right now and buy the ingredients. The need to get all this stuff and try it out right now had completely erased the stress of what I'm avoiding (for about two minutes).

Big focus on letting go of perfectionism and not being afraid to fuck up today. Willinginess to fail is a major hurdle for me. My pride is in the way. I should not make mistakes. I should be perfect.

Multiple prayers so far today. Many more to come I'm sure. I can feel tension in my shoulders and neck as I sit here. I should probably take ten minutes to go deep breath and stretch my neck. Gaak! I just want to crawl up in a ball under my desk until Wednesday. Instead I will finish this post then I will tackle the next thing on my list. One task at a time, one moment at a time.

Not alone anymore

I just had a minor ah-ha moment. I was mentally writing a blog post. (I’m pretty sure I did this before I had a blog too. I carefully craft the story in the foreground while furiously editing in the background. I’m not sure who my audience was pre-blog, but I don’t think it was me.) I was telling the story of how terrified I am at the thought of dating and how a conversation this weekend had challenged my perspective.* While deciding which blog to post to I questioned whether this was program-crazy or normal-crazy. This is a huge change from my pre-program days. Before OA I assumed that all my craziness was uniquely mine. Now I ask whether it is addict specific or if most people feel this way.

Now I find myself asking other program people of things are normal. I learned while sharing my fifth step that much I knew to be true was not. I don't question every feeling, thought and action like it did in the aftermath, but I don't assume I know what's normal anymore.

I am growing out of my terminal uniqueness and I’m thrilled.

*A poker buddy just ended a long-term relationship and was talking about the dates he has setup through a singles site. I said something about how hard it must be and he said no, he was quite enjoying himself. What? Dating can be fun? Really? I’m so freaked out about how crazy I’m likely to be in any attempted relationship and what an ass I’ve been before in any romantic endeavor that I’ve forgotten that it is supposed to be fun. D'oh!

But I don't want to

I've been struggling with getting to work at the expected time for years now. I've prayed for the willingness to be willing, I've tried to turn it over to HP. I've had sporadic success. I'm struggling and wailing and moaning. I'm starting to see that I am the same as those who are struggling with their food week after week. I was getting frustrated listening to it. "Stop talking about it and do it," I thought. Stop struggling and just let it go. Hard to see it until it's done. Impossible to describe.

When a friend challenged me to really use all the tools to get to work on time I resisted. In that moment I knew I was not really willing to let that behavior go. I still like enough about it that I am not willing to work to change it. Just like with food, I want to get the benefits of abstinence without changing anything in my life.

I need to take definite actions to change this behavior. I need to use all the tools and work the steps on this. I know that when I do, the changes will happen. I know it. I've seen it. It scares me. As miserable as I am, I can't quite comprehend life without it. Before I stopped eating sweets I thought life without sugar would not be worth living. I knew that was crazy, but it felt true. I did it anyway. I surrendered the sweets. That was over two years ago. I've now lived through three Halloweens without candy; each year better than the last.

HP, please give my the willingness and ability to surrender all my shortcomings which stand between me and grace.

Going through the motions

I went to lunch with an OA buddy today. It was fun. It was also good to talk program with a peer. She told me I have a vacation hangover. She is right. I’m so tired and unmotivated. I spent too much time sleeping and watching DVDs last week, now it is all I want to do. It was really hard to get out of bed today. Harder than it was Monday or Tuesday. My supervisor just said the same, so I can’t blame it on my disease. He is having motivation issues today and he’s pretty sane.

Fear has been a recurrent theme in my program this week. I need to take more risks at work. I’m not taking up some responsibilities I ought to for fear of mistakes. I must learn to accept and possibly embrace my own mistakes. As flawed as I know I am, I am unforgiving when I am not perfect. I still think I can do things perfectly. I put off decisions, even tiny ones, because I’m not absolutely sure I’m making the right choice.

Last week I was shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond and got into a brief conversation about drapes with a guy. He was looking for 96” drape length and the store only had 84”. My next stop was Best Buy and as I was ogling the big screen LCDs I realized that the ogler next to me was the same guy. After I accused him of stalking he said he had no luck with the drapes and did I know some place that he could find them. All I could think of were Pottery Barn ($$$) and JC Pennys. So normal chit-chat with strangers, right? No big deal? Later that I night I remembered that IKEA carries a lot of long drapes. D’oh! I woke up the next morning berating myself for not thinking of it at the time and feeling guilty. This isn’t even a real mistake, just a lapse in memory. Yet I added it to my list of things to feel bad about. I’m still wincing about it a week later and wishing I could let the guy know. He probably found some the next day and has moved on. I am still on my own shit list over it. And I know it. I talked about it twice now. So now I’ve written it.

HP, please let me get over myself and let it go.

99 and counting

I weighed in on Saturday and was happy to see four more pounds gone. I have now lost 99 pounds since coming to Overeaters Anonymous. The mind boogles.

I don’t think I wrote a post last time I weighed in. I wrote an email to my sponsor and then couldn’t bring myself to write about it again. I stayed the same last month. It was disappointing, but not surprising. As the weather grew colder and the days shorter my diet became unusually carb-rich and I played with the portion sizes. I felt like nothing would be enough so I choose the biggest, heaviest items from my typical rotation. This included ditching the salad I try to eat for a meal once a day. After weighing in the same last month I got a better balance going, hence the four pounds lost.

I’m quite excited by the number 99. Unless I go bat-shit-crazy I’ll be in the triple digits by New Years. I’m not sure what my goal weight is. I may never get to the ideal number for my height. I think I would be ecstatic to weigh around 160. I’m still way to far away from that and intend to follow a doctor’s advice when the time comes. So, if 160 is my ideal, I’m no longer morbidly obese. Obese, but not morbidly obese. Woo Hoo! It really depends on what calculations are used. Most web sites (of the six or so I just googled) say I should be 122 - 149 pounds.

I’m used to thinking of myself as “large framed” or “big-boned,” but I’m probably average. Before puberty and before I started gaining weight my mom made a big deal about buying me “slim” jeans. Since that was before I got hips I’m pretty sure I’m just plain old medium framed. Wouldn’t that be amazing? To be average and blend in with the crowd would be awesome. This brings me to program. Through the steps I’m learning humility. I no longer need to be the best or the worst. I can simply be and know that I am one of many, no better or worse than others. It will be nice when my body become average too.

I haven’t posted much at either of my blogs lately. I screwed up my brain chemistry getting the Halloween costumes ready in time and have been in relapse depression. The good news is that I recognized the symptoms quite early and sought help. Before OA I never recognized my depression until I hit rock bottom and then it was too hard to ask for help. This time I called to make an earlier appointment even though my regular visit was less than a week away. My Welbutrin dosage was increased and I should feel better as early as Wednesday.

I wish Dr. L would stop freaking me out about the potential side-effect of seizures. I’m also not fond of the strange sensations in my brain that occur during dosage changes. Like a headache, but unaffected by OTC remedies. I feel off balance, but just slightly and my head feels two sizes larger. But this is normal for me when Dr. L tweaks my meds. Unpleasant as it is, he seems to know what he’s doing so I’ll just turn that over.

Falling

I think my annual autumn depression is trying to lay claim to my soul. I’m out of sorts when nothing is different. I’m getting a bit stressed about running out of time to make my nephew’s Halloween costume, which could be contributing to my exhaustion. It’s probably allergies too. I take Claritin every day in every season except winter. It takes the edge off all be the worst symptoms, but I get tired. Compared to bronchitis and sinus misery it is a fine trade off.

I spoke at my Thursday night meeting last week. It was a crazy work week and I went directly from a go!go!go! work day to the meeting. I prayed before hand to be useful and according to one person I was. That is all I can hope for, but it felt awful at the time. Once others shared I finally felt the sanity and serenity I find at meetings. I felt then that I was ready to talk. To bad I’d already rambled for 30 minutes. The longer I’m in program, the more info I feel compelled to share. Next time I’m asked to speak I must remember to take time to get serene before the meeting.

I wanted to prepare for speaking this time. The first time I spoke my sponsor would not let me prepare. I still think that is a good policy, but I wanted to look at some old posts and see some progress I could talk about. I took literally two minutes before rushing to the meet to look back. I started WIT in November 2005. I skimmed a few posts and was dismayed to see that I’m struggling with the same crap now that I was almost two years ago: late bills, focusing at work, procrastination, stalling on steps and over-sleeping. It freaked me out a bit. I thought I had made so much progress, but it didn’t look like it in my blog. So I called my sponsor.

I still struggle with calling her. When my sponsees have trouble picking up the phone I can relate absolutely. When I talk with her I feel better. She always says something helpful, even if she is simply agreeing that something sucks. But I’m always making excuses when it comes to calling her. I’m trying to push past those excuses. If I think I should call her, I do it. So I called her Thursday night on my drive from work to the meeting I was to speak at. She told me it was all about degree. She was still dealing with the same character defects from 19 years ago, but to a much smaller degree. I can see this is true with me. Yes, I still pay some bills late, and I need to stop that, but I set up most of my bills to auto-pay so there are only three bills I need to worry about each month.

My character defects are still there, they always will be. But the degree to which they control my life is so much less than it was two years ago. I have made progress and all I need think about today is today.

Feeling my feelings is hard

Jamie killed himself on Saturday. I haven't seen Jamie since college, except for reruns of Check Please (a local PBS restaurant review show). It was a few years ago, but he looked good and was bar tending at The Double Door in Chicago. According to his obituary he was engaged. I'm sad that he was that miserable. I'm mad that he was that selfish.

I found out late last night. It took until my drive to work to start feeling it. I'm pissed at the people I've talked to that knew him. They have said that he alway was odd, that he was agnst-y even in high school, that he was a selfish stupid man to kill himself. None of the people I've talked with have ever considered suicide. They have zero tolerance or compassion about it. Sure I called him a dumb bastard when I heard, but I also understand suicide feeling like the best option.

I was angst-y in high school and college too. Maybe that's why Jamie and I got along so well. I don't remember him as angst-ridden though. I remember him as fun, hillarious and interesting. He used to sit on my lap and we would talk for hours until I couldn't feel my legs. He dated one of my other best friends and the three of us would hang out. The three of us would sleep in Nikki's full size water bed. The old-style ones with no supports, just a big bag of water. It was cozy and lovely and we laughed a lot. They came down to visit me in college. Then I lost touch.

This morning I am sad and angry and really busy at work. I should be working away but I'm distracted. When I focus on work I'm getting frustrated over little things. I've been on the verge of tantrums all morning. I know it's because I'm upset. Nothing is that crazy at work. if this was happening yesterday I would probably find it exhilarating. I'm not tempted to eat over this, not yet anyway, but I'm raw and vulnerable and I do not feel comfortable in my skin. My ears hurt and so do my hips.  I haven't cried yet.

Update: I removed Jamie's last name when I saw how many hits I was getting from searches for him. This post isn't what anyone is looking for, because it's all about me. I picked out a bunch of photos of him. I plan to scan them and post to flickr. I'll put his last name with those I guess. All the pictures are of happy times.

88 pounds – Are we there yet?

I’ve lost four more pounds this month. That brings total lost to 88. This is definitely more than I’ve ever lost at one time. Being proficient in dietMath ™ I immediately lost my mind. In Crazyland, 88 is pretty much the same as 100 and 100 is practically 150. So I’m just about done with physical recovery, right? This means I should start dating soon. I belong in a loony bin.

Then I thought, I’m so close to 100 pounds gone. Wouldn’t it be cool to be at 100 pounds by my birthday or abstinence birthday in September? I know how to lose 12 pounds fast. I should go on a diet and join Curves. Then when I’ve lost 12 or 30 pounds I’ll stop and go back to my current food plan. It’s brilliant!

I guess I can keep going to Overeaters Anonymous, because I’m still insane. It’s so nice to share this with other compulsive overeaters and hear them laugh when they recognize themselves.

I did hit another physical milestone this weekend. I can fit into a dress I’ve had for 10 years. It’s an 18-20 and I wore it to my 10-year high school reunion. My 20-year reunion is in September, if was going I could wear the same dress. It’s funny. I felt huge at my reunion even though the dress is pretty. Now I’m thrilled and proud to fit back into it. It’s all about perspective.