Whatever it takes

Four pounds less, Happy Birthday to me

I've lost four more pounds. I have now lost 93 pounds. I'm really happy about that. So far I haven't gotten freaky about how close to 100 pounds I am. Maybe I got that out of my system a few months ago, or it could hit me when I least expect it. For today, right now, I am content with myself exactly as I am.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It was a nice day. I didn't have any plans, but that was fine with me. I had no expectations for the day and so just relaxed and went with the flow. I read in the morning, went to my favorite eating hole for lunch, bought some thread for my new sewing machine and went to my sister's house. I hung out there for a bit, then took the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble they gave me and went shopping. I bought a globe, a laminated map of Illinois for the car, three CDs, and a sewing book. I love shopping with gift certificates. I'm getting more disciplined too, I only had to add $3.33 to complete the transaction. I used to spend at least 50% more than the gift amount.

Then I went back to my sister's house to swim and eat. She ordered pizza and salad. She put candles on the candle and they all sang Happy Birthday to me (the neighbors were over too). It was nice to have pizza out. I've been wanting it (yes, it is on my food plan), but I tend to over eat it. It's nice to have a portion, then not have any left overs. I did eat it rather fast though, because by the time it arrived I had 15 minutes to eat before I had to go home to catch my ride to a meeting.

Yes, I went to a meeting on my birthday. I haven't been to that meeting in over two years. A friend invited me to go with them and I accepted. It felt right to go. I'm so grateful for my life right now and it is all due to the program. The speaker was great and I saw a few people I knew. The topic was steps 8 & 9.

At first I was disappointed because I had just gone over step 8 on Sunday with my sponsor. It was good though, because it reminded me that I need to start making my step 9 amends now. I don't want to sit here at 9 for a year like I did for 8.

There are some amends that I thought I would not have to make that I do. There some amends I thought I would have to make that I don't. It's hard to think of the financial amends I owe. It is hard for me to let go of money. I can tell that I will feel better when they are done. I'm relieved I don't owe amends to my dad. I need to find a way to forgive him, but that is part of my self-amends. I am to write letters to my parents explaining what I needed to get from them that I did not. It is not to be given to them, it is for me to work through it.

I'm glad I got step eight done before my birthday. I feel clean. I was starting to beat myself up over my lack of forward progress. The speaker last night reminded me that it is after the ninth step that the obsession with food shall be lifted. My sponsor had reminded me that the promises are at the end of step nine, but I hadn't thought specifically about food.

I had some insanity yesterday at lunch about food. I had planned to get one of my usual meals at the cafe. Standing in line it felt like there would not be enough. I wanted more than one dish. I wanted a bit of everything. I tried to convince myself that having a pretzel roll on my birthday was acceptable, even though bread as a side is specifically not in my plan. I wanted to treat myself to excess food on my birthday. Knowing how crazy that is doesn't stop me. "Self-knowledge avails us nothing." I don't remember thinking of any specific tools, but I did order one of my usuals. I did however order extra chips. "It's my birthday, I can't have cake but I can eat extra potato chips." Not the worse thing in the world, but not sane either. I was, of course, stuffed when I finished. The portions were, as usual, big and filling.

I'm going to my usual Tuesday night meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think I should add in extra meetings occasionally, it adds some zest.

Me Jane

I weighed myself last week. I've lost another pound. I've now lost 89 pounds since becoming abstinent. I was expecting a bigger loss. I felt like I'd lost more than 16 ounces. Maybe that was the four pounds from last month catching up. I'm twenty-one days from turning 38. This spring I was doing DietMath to figure out how much I would have to lose to hit 100 pounds lost by my birthday. I won't be weighing myself again before September 3rd, so I know my number. It's 89 and I'm satisfied with that. What does my birthday have to do with my weight anyway?

Last week at a meeting someone shared a metaphor that I've been thinking about a lot. Program is like swinging on a vine Tarzan-style. When you hit the highest point on your swing you better grab on to the next vine or you'll be going backward. I've got to keep moving on my steps or my program will fall back. I know this. I've experienced it, yet I keep doing just enough work on my eighth step to keep from falling back, yet I'm not ready to finish it and grab the next step. Oh crap, now I've got that yodeling Tarzan-boy song in my head. (Oh-oh-oh---oh-oh---oh-oh--oh-oh-oh---oh-oh--oh...)

I think I'm a new grand sponsor. That's so cool! It makes me feel really connected to the program. Someone I've shared my experience, strength and hope with is now passing her ESH to someone new. I still feel like very much a newcomer, there is so much I don't know. But this makes me think of all the people in program, past, present and future. I'm a part of it. I love OA.

88 pounds – Are we there yet?

I’ve lost four more pounds this month. That brings total lost to 88. This is definitely more than I’ve ever lost at one time. Being proficient in dietMath ™ I immediately lost my mind. In Crazyland, 88 is pretty much the same as 100 and 100 is practically 150. So I’m just about done with physical recovery, right? This means I should start dating soon. I belong in a loony bin.

Then I thought, I’m so close to 100 pounds gone. Wouldn’t it be cool to be at 100 pounds by my birthday or abstinence birthday in September? I know how to lose 12 pounds fast. I should go on a diet and join Curves. Then when I’ve lost 12 or 30 pounds I’ll stop and go back to my current food plan. It’s brilliant!

I guess I can keep going to Overeaters Anonymous, because I’m still insane. It’s so nice to share this with other compulsive overeaters and hear them laugh when they recognize themselves.

I did hit another physical milestone this weekend. I can fit into a dress I’ve had for 10 years. It’s an 18-20 and I wore it to my 10-year high school reunion. My 20-year reunion is in September, if was going I could wear the same dress. It’s funny. I felt huge at my reunion even though the dress is pretty. Now I’m thrilled and proud to fit back into it. It’s all about perspective.

Surrender of bread as side or meal

I'm doing much much better this week. I surrendered bread as a side or main course of meals after my Tuesday night meeting. My sponsor was there. She has only attended that meeting twice in the two years I've been going.  (Is it odd? Or is it god?)  I shared first and I think it went something like this, "So bread, step one is good. Bread. Bread Bread. Bread fucking bread with butter. Help!" Then I shut up and listened to what some saner people had to say. By the end of the meeting I was ready to do whatever it takes for recovery again.

I was still afraid my sponsor would suggest cutting all refined flour, but I was willing to do it if she said I should. She didn't. She asked what I was struggling with. I am not eating sides of bread (rolls, bread, crackers) or as a meal. I've avoided a few places where it might be too tempting, but it's been pretty easy since I made the decision to surrender it.

Surrender has been popping up all over the place for me. My morning prayers have been truncated too. Pretty much boiling down to, "I surrender. All of me. Whatever it takes." Too much structure equals too much thought right now.

Funnily, within a day of giving up bread I felt thinner and healthier.

I have been indulging in fantasy as escape lately. Haven't been this obsessed since my Vin Diesel kick a few years back. I've talked about it a bit with OA people and so it's fading faster than usual. It can't be coincidence that I get obsessively compulsive about Chris Eccleston the day after I surrender bread. (Chris is the 9th Doctor Who and lovely in a  lanky, intense British way.) I've added most everything available on Netflix and bought the 2005 series of Doctor Who. I'm grateful for Netflix. In the Vin Diesel days I bought everything, including a collection of short films that features a self-made story that brought him to the attention of Spielberg.

So a minor indulgence in fantasy (should it be a destination wedding do you think?) to get through the uncomfortable changes in my food plan seems okay. I haven't mentioned it to my sponsor. I probably should.

My excellent mood may also be related to my decision to take next week off work. A nine day vacation sounds lovely.

Maintaining

I stayed the same in weight this month. I was kind of expecting that. I knew I wasn't being "bad," but I also knew I wasn't being "good." After gaining two pounds last month I had a sort of attitude of why be good now, I'm already fucking up, why not wallow for a bit. I didn't get back to eating a salad for a meal once a day. Not that I didn't eat salads, I did. Just not everyday. Then of course there was the slip. It feels wierd to call it a slip. It was a deliberate break in abstinence. But I got right back on. I guess this is what people mean when the say they don't have perfect abstinence. Not that I would have called my abstinence perfect before the big slip, but I'm still uncomfortable about it.

*****Warning! Specific food talk. Potential trigger subject matter. *********

It is hard for me to say, "I've lost 84 pounds."  I was able to say 86 pounds, I didn't want to go back. But I've made myself say the smaller number when it comes up. It hurts, but it's honest. It is the true number. The fact that I want to lie about it, tells me it is important to be truthful.

I think I may have to give up bread.

Just writing that was painful so I left it all alone on its own line. Bread has started to creep into my day in a big way. I've been justifying eating an extra roll at my favorite cafe. It always makes sense at the time, but it never feels good. I've been afraid it might come to this and I've hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I think I'm powerless over bread. Bread and butter to be precise. I think about it between meals. How can I get more bread. Crap. Crap. Crap. I do not want to give it up! I just don't. I want to be willing to do whatever it takes, but I do not want to do this.

I'm not quite as dramatic about white (or french or italian or pretzel or sourdough) as I was about sugar. Before I gave up sugar I didn't think life would be worth living with out it. How sick is that. Seriously fucked up thinking. Life has been better without sugar. But bread will not only cause me lack of enjoyment, but convience as well. In a hurry? Buy a sandwich. What about pizza? I've already limited my consumption of this food of the gods because I would eat it everyday if it was healthy. Obviously I need to do some more writing and talking about this. I have to talk with my sponsor.

A sponsee called this morning while I was driving to work. She is changing her abstinence to cut out all her binge foods; refined flour breads are part of this. It was what I needed to hear, but I was pissed off too. Because I do not want to go there.

I''m sitting here writing this and also figuring out where to eat before my meeting tonight to get maximum bread intake before I become willing to do this. I want to go to a bakery and buy a big loaf of french bread to eat with some quality unsalted butter. I did have a salad for lunch so technically wouldn't be breaking my abstinence, but it sounds like a bad idea.

Compulsive overeating is a bitch.

Still kickin'; Up 2 pounds

I am doing okay. I was struggling for several weeks. I seem to be on the rebound now. I spent two weeks agonizing over saying to a favor from an OA friend only to find out yesterday that she forgot she even talked to me or that she asked for my help. So much drama in my head for something that didn't even matter to her. Lesson learned? Hope so.

A big thank you to those of you who sent me email or commented on my longish absence. I really appreciate it.

I slipped several times on little things. My portions got big and I ordered extras a few times. I weighed myself this morning and was up 2 pounds from last time. I expected it, but still sucks. This is the second time I have gained in 20 months so I'm trying not to beat myself with it. I'm now back to 84 pounds lost. Sigh.

Hope to get back to more regular posting now that I've started adjusting to the new job. I'm also trying to cut way back on time spent on internet at work. Please bear with me as I adjust to a bigger change than I anticipated. Thanks.

86!

I lost three pounds this month! That puts me at 86 pounds lost. Happy dance.

Overeaters Anonymous rocks!

New work, new growth

I missed my Thursday night meeting last week due to illness. (I'm doing fine now. yeah!) It felt weird not to go. Since I started that meeting in November I haven't missed a week. I want so badly for that meeting to get strong. It's still so tiny. Thursday night is a busy night for a lot of folk so they come when they can. HP willing I'll be there tomorrow.

I slacked off on my reading and step work over the weekend. My food was fine, but my program suffered when I got sick. I became unwilling to pick up the literature I'm reading in the morning and before sleep. I was also unwilling to get out of bed on time Monday morning. I bed binged again. It feels just as crappy as binge eating emotionally. This is something I need to be willing to do. I'm starting my new role and would like to not fuck it up from the start.

I'm in my new role about 75% of my time as of today. I haven't officially been offered the job yet, but it's just a matter of HR getting the paperwork done. With any luck I'll start collecting the new improved salary next Tuesday. [fingers crossed] So this is scary. It's something I want and will be very good for me, but it is challenging and I'm supposed to hit the ground running. I got a virtual crash course in logging into the db remotely and kicking off jobs. With power comes responsibility. I could wipe out data by mistake very easily or turn off the server accidentally. Nothing permanent, but could impact the schedule in huge ways.

I've had to absorb a lot of information today about new concepts and a fledgling knowledge I haven't used since summer. I'm reluctant and a little anxious. I've tried to remember to turn it over to HP. Okay, face facts, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fail so I don't even want to begin. Okay, that's an old pattern. I need to be willing to take the leap and fail. I probably won't because I'm well suited for the position. I know these guys, they are happy to have me on the team, they will help me when I ask. I'm seeing my therapist tonight. I'll talk it out with her and maybe do some writing tonight.

On a happy note, one of my sponsees identified herself as a sponsor for the first time at a meeting. How cool is that? Scary too. When someone asks her to, she will try to tell them what I told her, based on what my sponsor told me. From the garbled results of the Telephone game we played as children, this should not work at all. Decades of recovery in AA and OA tell a different story. As long as sponsor refer back to the big book and humbly admit when we don't know or aren't sure it seems to work. I'm proud of her and a little proud of me. One day I'll be a grand-sponsor. I feel way too new in the program to have a grand-sponsee. But then, I felt too new to be a sponsor the first time I said it too.

-2 plus crazy = diet math

I lost two pounds this month. I have now lost 83 pounds. I was a little disappointed. I have noticed definite signs of shrinkage this month. My watch is getting loose and people are starting to tell me how good I look. Like an anti-growth spurt.

I can’t remember if I lost 83 or 87 pounds when I was in weight watchers in 2001-2. I threw out all the weigh-in records and food journals. I’m within a few pounds of being the lightest I’ve been in years. This is cool, yet very dangerous for me to dwell on. So I’m done for now with that.

I’m on step eight. I have my list, so now I am to write down what I’ve done to each person on it and figure out how to make amends. I’m not supposed to actually make the amends, just write it out and then talk to my sponsor about each one. It’s harder than I thought it would be.

Per instructions, I put myself at the top of the list. To amend something is to change it. I’m to look at all the ways I hurt myself and figure out what must be changed to stop doing that. I have a few good examples in my notes at home. One example might be that I sabotage my financial security by not paying bills even though I have the money. I procrastinate and before I know it my credit card gets rejected. I damage my credit score and embarrass myself for no purpose. I know it has to do with my attitude of scarcity. I hate to give my money away. (As if settling my debts is a voluntary act of charity or something. I think maturity and entitlement come into play as well.) So I turned all my character defects over in step seven, including procrastination and greed. Now in step eight I’m starting to figure out specific behaviors that should change to stop hurting myself. I’ve been trying to get my shit together in this area for years. This is a new context for me though. I don’t even know if I’m on the right track with that. I’ll have to talk it over with my sponsor.

They say thoughts without action will avail me nothing. Step nine, if I’m on target, will be a process of changing that pattern. I should probably work on the others on my list concurrently; I’m so self-destructive I may never get around to anyone else if I don’t.

Spring wardrobe joy? How odd.

What a beautiful day! It's eighty degrees on March 26. I think that's a record high in Illinois, but I'm too lazy to check for sure.

On the way to my meeting last night I realized that this is the first time in my life that for two springs in a row my summer clothes are too big. As a skinny kid I just outgrew clothes every year. Since puberty I've gotten fatter each year. There have been a couple times that I've dieted and my clothes were too big in the spring, but by the next year I always had to buy a bigger size (or two) again.

I'm amazed by the consistency I've found in OA. I've been abstinent for 18 months now. I've only had one gain and a couple months were I stayed the same. Otherwise I've lost between one and five pounds a month. Sometimes that feels too slow. When I start doing diet math and projecting how much I should lose in the next six, twelve, twenty-four months it feels like a never ending struggle. But looking back, it's just a string of twenty-four hours.

When I relax and take each day as it comes I'm content. I need to remember how I feel today the next time I get anxious and impatient with myself.

My favorite capri pants are too big on me now. They are sage green, cotton cargo capris and they make me feel authentically me. When I started OA I was sad because they were too small. Last summer they were perfect and I lived in them when not at work. I wore them yesterday and even with the side straps pulled as tight as they go they were hanging on me. This makes me happy, but also sad. I'll be searching for a replacement pair.