Almost two weeks now of abstinent eating. Doing okay with it. Even letting go of some of the crazy about losing weight. (Am I skinny yet? I've been on my food plan for 13 days! Why aren't my pants loose already?) Trying to surrender the crazy along with the control over the food.
My hard drive in my work laptop died yesterday. It just wouldn't boot up. Now I have it back with a new hard drive, most of my old data and missing all the non-standard apps I use daily. I was just getting Office 2007 customized to be usable and now I have to start over. I was on XP and got to skip Vista entirely, so that is good, but everything is so foreign on this OS. What does this have to do with OA? Everything. This is life. Not a huge dramatic issue, but it could be if I was in the food. I could be weeping and wailing to everyone. Okay I did mention it, but it was hard not to when I was without a computer for 6 hours and had to borrow people's machines to check my email during that time. And I'm writing about it here. So it is a big deal, but I think I'm making a normal person big deal, not crazy lady big deal.
The other thing that is related to my program is that I was really afraid that an action of mine had killed it*. I wanted to hide what I had done. I wanted to protect myself from blame for ruining a laptop. I wanted to stay in bed and pretend the world was not going on without me. But I didn't, I got up and got to work and talked with the local tech support and confessed my crime. She said she didn't think I had caused it; the laptop model I have is old and all of them are starting to have hard drive and other hardware issues. I'm so glad I confessed! I left a message about it for my sponsor on the drive in and realized how badly I wanted to keep it a secret. This is the type of thing I eventually eat over and never see the connection.
I have way too many of these petty secrets. I lug around a ton of guilt and shame from four decades of living. How many of those are misplaced? The biggest revelation for me in OA is how many things I'm wrong about. Everywhere I turn I've made faulty assumptions or been taught lies. The more I talk with other OAs the clearer the wrongheadedness becomes.
* I used canned air to clean the keyboard for the first time. The buttons were getting crunchy. I must have tipped the can because I froze some of the keys. They got frosty. It was right over the hard drive. The PC was on all day after that, but next time I turned on it couldn't boot.
Life on life's terms sucks sometimes!
Glad you owned up to it! Isn't it funny how are amazing magnifying minds can punch our tickets on the crazy train!
Working on my 4th step and it isn't fun, 4 and 5 will get me over the hump, it's just a slow process for me.
Posted by: Julie Yeshnowski | July 15, 2010 at 09:37 PM