I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable.

I continue to act on my will and the results are always painful. For a while I was relieved of the obsession with food and I took it for granted. I've been slipping sugar into my meals and thought I was getting away with it. Nope. Of course I wasn't. There is a direct correlation between the food I put in my mouth and the actions I take. It goes both ways and the equation is always the same: poor food choices lead to poor life choices, poor life choices lead to poor food choices.  So around I go again.

I've been eating the corn bread with honey butter that comes with some of the entries at one of my regular lunch places. First time it came I was surprised and decided to eat it anyway. Now I'm struggling not to ask for seconds. This has lead to escalating damages: more honey butter, sampled sweet bread, sugar-free instant pudding (one box equals one serving right?), 1 fortune cookie, and snacking all weekend.

Last night I ordered Chinese take-out right after my meeting. This is a known bad thing even if I don't have explicitly sweet foods. I eat too much and it leads me to more food later. Last night I ate two fortune cookies and used three packets of sweet sour sauce. Then I stayed up until 3am surfing the internet. I could not stop it even as I watched the time tick by. I managed to get to work on time today, but am tired and craving sugar.

Also, I intended to eat a Girl Scout cookie at my sister's last night before the meeting. I saw them open and scattered on the kitchen table. I planned to go to the bathroom and then pick up a cookie (or two) as I left. While in the bathroom I debated if this was really such a bad plan while part of my brain was already plotting a trip to Dairy Queen. Luckily my sis came into the kitchen while I was doing my business. I was disappointed and relieved.

So of course, there are about 20 boxes of Girl Scout cookies on my manager's desk to be handed out. He will put some out on the table to share like he always does. I once asked him not to do it. He listened to me for a day.

So I pray for the willingness and ability to follow HPs will not mine. Mine just brings me misery. I also pray that someday this lesson will sink into my soul and I'll stop reenacting it.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has left me encouraging comments! They mean a lot to me. I have not responded to each one as I feel I ought to. I feel more guilty about it the longer I wait. It's not you, it's me. Thank you for taking the time to share with me.

Comments

[Steve]

The Big Book tells us that without a spiritual experience (sometimes quickly , sometimes slowly), we are powerless over the first bite (okay...it says drink, but you know what I mean). This is why I work the 12 Steps. It's my path to that spiritual experience, no easy or obvious thing for an atheist.

FWIW, most people aren't stuck abstinent. I wasn't. Keep coming back. It works if you work it!

[Julie Yeshnowski]

It's not keep coming back, it's stick and stay.

Relapse sucks but if you hang in there it gets better. I have been in program for 23 years, since Easter 1987.

It seems like I have been in relapse longer than recovery but the bottom line is I am getting better.

I think of you often and hope that you are attending meetings and working the steps to the best of your ability.

DO NOT GIVE UP BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!

[Julie Yeshnowski]

Haven't seen an update in a while. Hope all is well with you.

Please keep coming back, it works.

[Dodi]

Steve and Julie, Thanks for your encouragement!

I'm doing pretty well. Food isn't great, but I'm getting to work on time and putting in an honest day's work. Which is something I have eaten over for years. Also, unemployment would be really bad for my abstinence.

I'm working on being god-conscience throughout my days and just doing the next right thing. I'm back to two meetings a week, one of which has some strong recovery. Also I have made progress calling my sponsor daily. Not consistent yet, but best I've ever been.

[Lee]

I was looking for writings about being agnostic and doing OA and your ChickenButt blog popped up which eventually led me here. It sounds like you're more comfortable with the Higher Power/God idea now than you were when you first started out and I was wondering if you could point me to some of your posts that talk about that.

I read the posts in your Spirit category and really like the one where you talked about how prayer works even though you don't know why. I'd like to achieve that level of faith.

[Julie Yeshnowski]

Hope you are making it as you're worth it!

Hope you are abstinent!

Hope you're making meetings as meeting makers make it.

Drop me an email if you need some support!

You're worth it!