Availed us nothing

Will there ever be a time when I’m not fucking up? I’ve been in the sugar again. Not horrifying spectacular binges where I’m sick to my stomach and can feel my heart pounding, no I’ve kept my dignity. Ha! That is one of the many lies I tell myself. Unfortunately, my “moderate” sugar binging has the same devastating results. The next day I’m exhausted, fuzzy-headed and unable to wake up and go to work. Then I sleep all day. I’ve called in sick three days in the last two weeks. My allergies are bad, but they ain’t that bad.

Am I sick and tired enough to do whatever it takes? I had a good meeting last night and a good therapy session yesterday. I intend to go back to my Sunday meeting this week. I haven’t shown up there in months.

I want all the things I had when I was sober. I feel gross and ashamed of myself. I want the recovery back but I don’t want to work hard for it. So nothing new there, other than I have a better idea of what is required for long-term abstinence than I did first time around. It takes daily work. It takes discipline to do all the things I find difficult. I have to call OA people every day. I need to be in regular contact with my sponsor. I need to sponsor others, I need to do service and attend meetings. I need to do daily inventory and meditation. Some of these things are easy for me. Some feel impossible. All are required. I need to act as-if, especially when I least want to.

I don’t know that I have the energy to do it, but I know I’m not going to feel any better if I keep turning to the food instead of my HP. It isn’t going to get any easier by waiting. There is no burning bush, just a series of choices, one after another. Fuck.