Am I sick and tired enough to do whatever it takes? I had a good meeting last night and a good therapy session yesterday. I intend to go back to my Sunday meeting this week. I haven’t shown up there in months.
I want all the things I had when I was sober. I feel gross and ashamed of myself. I want the recovery back but I don’t want to work hard for it. So nothing new there, other than I have a better idea of what is required for long-term abstinence than I did first time around. It takes daily work. It takes discipline to do all the things I find difficult. I have to call OA people every day. I need to be in regular contact with my sponsor. I need to sponsor others, I need to do service and attend meetings. I need to do daily inventory and meditation. Some of these things are easy for me. Some feel impossible. All are required. I need to act as-if, especially when I least want to.I don’t know that I have the energy to do it, but I know I’m not going to feel any better if I keep turning to the food instead of my HP. It isn’t going to get any easier by waiting. There is no burning bush, just a series of choices, one after another. Fuck.