Under certain definitions of abstinence I’ve been in relapse since spring. Messing with my food was just a blatant symptom. Long before I started “getting away with” slips in my food I was abandoning the parts of my program that keep me abstinent.
How far did I go in relapse? All the way down baby.
Sugar! I dove, teeth first, into sugar in November. I ate a tiny piece of Halloween candy in the office, followed by three more pieces, followed by a trip to the vending machine, followed by two months of miserable binging.
One evening at a time, I worked through most of the foods I had abstained from for three years. My disease had indeed been doing pushups in the parking lot as I sat in meetings. It was stronger than before but now I was mostly conscience through all the food. There was very little unconscious eating for me this time. I made the choice over and over to binge just one more night. I didn’t get the release I got before OA though. I had a couple 24 hours without sugar, but they never lasted through temptation.
It didn’t take long for all the tiny miracles of program to disappear once I hit the sugar. I isolated, over-slept, and I stopped doing the little chores that I had started taking for granted. Garbage built up at an alarming rate. Wrappers and takeout containers once again formed a ridge around my recliner. I lost motivation to put out the garbage every week. Eventually I stopped walking to the garbage can and just let wrappers, boxes and bags fall where I was. Nasty and unpleasant to live in. I had regressed completely to my most cave-like dwelling.
I did continue to attend one of my three meetings, but one isn’t enough. Often I was the only one there at my remaining meeting; therefore it wasn’t a meeting at all. I missed eight weeks of my Sunday night meeting before I dragged myself back. I took the meeting bag for a month so I had no excuse to miss. I still have not returned to my Tuesday night meeting.
So, I haven’t had sugar for three weeks now. I’m mostly stuck to my new food plan (still too many fat grams and I have trouble getting all my veggies in).
I really need to work my steps, which begins with calling my sponsor and taking her suggestions. I know that without step work I’m just dieting. Since dieting does not work for me, I better get my ass in gear.
