My 39th birthday is next Wednesday. I’ve been doing some minor freaking out at being so close to 40. Suddenly I’ve got an arbitrary deadline to hit for a whole list of things I ought to do before I turn the big Four-O. I’ve been talking about it with friends, my sponsor and sharing at OA meetings.
Mostly people who don’t know me outside of meetings are shocked that I’m in my late thirties; they tend to think I’m in my late twenties. This doesn’t bother me, but it isn’t flattering either. Maybe it’s my diseased mind, but I think my weight keeps my skin from looking wrinkled (filled out flesh doesn’t fold easily) and I have a younger lifestyle than many of my peers. I’m single, live alone, no kids and no yard to tend.
The no kids thing is getting to me again. I’ve laughed at biological clock pangs before. Surely an educated woman who understands that my genetics are just trying to replicate themselves should be immune to this primal instinct. Apparently not. I’m not even sane enough to date, but I find myself thinking I would be a good mom. Nuts she is.
I haven’t been blogging about my program much. I haven’t been happy with myself. I have maintained, gained and lost the same 4 pounds since spring. I continue to go to my three meetings a week. I talk with OAs, but I wasn’t really working my program. I have made no effort to finish my 9th step amends. I’ve not been reading, writing, calling my sponsor enough or calling anyone other than my close OA friends. My abstinence started slipping, bit by bit.
I’m getting back on track. I’m focusing on the spiritual side of my program and the emotional and physical are realigning. I’ll write more about my food slips and my one binge day in future posts. That is my intention.
Keep coming back, it works when you work it.