371 til 40

My 39th birthday is next Wednesday. I’ve been doing some minor freaking out at being so close to 40. Suddenly I’ve got an arbitrary deadline to hit for a whole list of things I ought to do before I turn the big Four-O. I’ve been talking about it with friends, my sponsor and sharing at OA meetings.

Mostly people who don’t know me outside of meetings are shocked that I’m in my late thirties; they tend to think I’m in my late twenties. This doesn’t bother me, but it isn’t flattering either. Maybe it’s my diseased mind, but I think my weight keeps my skin from looking wrinkled (filled out flesh doesn’t fold easily) and I have a younger lifestyle than many of my peers. I’m single, live alone, no kids and no yard to tend.

The no kids thing is getting to me again. I’ve laughed at biological clock pangs before. Surely an educated woman who understands that my genetics are just trying to replicate themselves should be immune to this primal instinct. Apparently not. I’m not even sane enough to date, but I find myself thinking I would be a good mom. Nuts she is.

I haven’t been blogging about my program much. I haven’t been happy with myself. I have maintained, gained and lost the same 4 pounds since spring. I continue to go to my three meetings a week. I talk with OAs, but I wasn’t really working my program. I have made no effort to finish my 9th step amends. I’ve not been reading, writing, calling my sponsor enough or calling anyone other than my close OA friends. My abstinence started slipping, bit by bit.

I’m getting back on track. I’m focusing on the spiritual side of my program and the emotional and physical are realigning. I’ll write more about my food slips and my one binge day in future posts. That is my intention.

Keep coming back, it works when you work it.

Comments

[Foodfairy]

Hi Dodi,
Happy birthday for Wednesday. I have also been lax in my program for the past few months, and I am trying to get it back on track. Please do keep up the blog, I relate to so much of what you post. I have the same problem with being a night owl. I would love if you could tell me more about the article. Also, I wanted to ask you, what are your criteria for becoming a sponsor? I feel I'm not good enough. I don't want to pass on stuff that will hurt rather than harm a sponsee.

[legally_barb]

Hi! I found your blog from a google search for "agnostic oa" - it linked to a post of yours from almost a year ago! Anyway, I was wondering if you still consider yourself as such? Would you be willing to share with me your experiences with program, developing your concept of a higher power, etc.? Perhaps it's all in your blog already, and if it is, you can let me know and I'll try to set aside some time to read back for the last year or so, but I'm just reaching out and trying to find someone, anyone, with some program minus the religious god talk. I'm having to enter my email address with this comment, and a link to my blog (that I only just recently started, although I've been in OA for almost 4 years now), so hopefully you will have access to those? Or maybe you can respond to this comment? Whatever works ... I'll just wait and see ... Oh, and thanks for keeping up your blog - so often I find OA blogs that have just a few posts and they're a couple years old with nothing added since. I guess people drop off the internet just like they do in f2f program! Thanks a bunch!

[LibrarianOnTheLoose]

People always think I am in my early 30s and I will be 40 in November. I am glad to hear that in August you were finding your program again. I hope all is well with you and if you ever want to start up an email correspondence, I would love to share ESH with you that way!

[Michael Patrick David]

SOUND OF SOBRIETY

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk crap again,
An AA meeting softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the 12 Steps that were planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of sobriety.

In restless meetings I walked alone
Bill Wilson Clones, made of stone
Neath the halo of an OLD TIMER,
I turned my collar to the 1st and 3rd Step
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
That split the night
And touched the sound of sobriety.

And in the naked light I saw
A million STEPPERS, maybe more.
STEPPERS reading the BIG BOOK,
STEPPERS hearing without listening,
STEPPERS writing their 4TH STEP
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of sobriety.

ZOMBIES said I, you do not know
BUCHMANISM like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might BRAINWASH you,
Take my arms that I might 13TH STEP you.
But my words like the higher power fell,
And echoed
In the halls of sobriety

And the STEPPERS ranted and raved
To the AA god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, KEEP COMING BACK
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
And the 12 STEP ZOMBIES,
Whispered in the sounds of sobriety..

You will love it, HERE!!

[Foodfairy]

Hey Dodi. We haven't heard from you in ages. How are you? Don't leave. Keep coming back Dodi!!!

Oh and Michael, I'm sorry if you were hurt by a 13th Stepper or something. The 12 steps have helped millions but if they don't work for you then please don't harass people for whom they don't work. May your HP bless you whoever your HP is.

[April M.]

I just commented on one of your posts from last year-- you'd think I'd know it's 2008 by now. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing it with you. Everyone has difficult times, but I've found that reaching out to other compulsive overeaters is the only way out. The promises do come true.