It's about the food until it isn't about the food...

...until it's about the food again.

This comic has had me chuckling for a while now. It's called Stove Ownership:

I went through a bacon phase, an onion ring phase*, stove-top popcorn, Stove-top Stuffing, Jiffy mix corn bread, biscuits from a can, and soup. Soup was definitely the healthiest cooking phase I went through. It was the zero-point soup from WW. I finally learned my uppermost garlic tolerance in my weekly soup-making ritual. There are probably others I just cannot recall.

I'm teetering on the edge of a new cooking phase in my life. My food plan needs to change and I'm resisting like I'm a newbie. I know I need to reduce my main dish portions and increase the veggies. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Surrender? Tosh! Not me, I can do this on my own! (Donning my cape and saucy mask, cue hero music.)

Logically I know the only way to change my eating to be loving and where it needs to be is to surrender to HP. Emotionally I'm three, six and 13 years-old. No! You suck and I hate you! It just feels impossible and I'm going to have to change my eating in a radical way that hasn't had to happen since I went to three meals a day with nothing in-between. Scary.

I need to talk with my sponsor more and I'm running from that too. What goes into my mouth isn't different than what it's been for a while. The difference is that I feel guilty that I'm still eating my enormous portions. My sponsor says abstinence is guilt-free eating. That is not what I'm doing right now. Poor me, poor me, pour me a big sugary Coke.

*Ugh, flashback to crazy attic apartment where everything stunk of grease when I experimented mightily with homemade onion rings in my electric wok. I feel queasy thinking of it.

Comments

[Down in Sunny San Diego]

I soo relate to the issue of changing up your plan of eating. I resisted for a long time until one day, due to fear of an insulin needle poking my body, I got a new willingness to go to a deeper level. Now my food is squeeky clean and it feels so freeing.

[Foodfairy]

It's great to hear your shares about your struggles. I know that sharing about mine gives me clarity, and I hope you are getting some clarity too. The fact that your posting about it shows you have at least some willingness...and that's all it takes. At least I hope that's all it takes...coz i'm not super-willing when it comes to anything to do with recovery. I still resent God for making me do stuff to recover. It doesn't seem fair that I can't eat what I want, do what I want and be what I want and get away with it. If God's such a big shot why can't he just order the universe so that the consequences of my actions are different.

There were lots of things I wasn't willing to do...I'm still not willing to do. When I frst started in OA I wasn't willing to go to Face to Face meetings...to mcuh trouble...now I go rain hail or shine, I have a service position, and I went to an intergroup retreat. When I first started I wasn't willing to give up my binge foods and commit my foods. Today I commit my food every day, knowing that if I don't I won't be absintent. (Ok well almsot every day) and I've given up sugar, white flour, bread, ice cream and chocolate.

I just kept working the program. Doing what I could...using the tools just a little bit more as I became willing...eventually the willingness comes I think