Whatever it takes

Benign

Results are in. Both biopsied nodules are benign. Hooray!

I'm surprised by my lack of joy at the news. I'm still angry that the radiologist would only biopsy the two largest. I'm pissed that the endocrinologist's staff told me yesterday at 3 pm that they had the results, but the doctor never called me until 6pm today. His staff told me around ten this morning that it was benign, but I needed to hear it from the doctor himself.

The follow-up plan is to get another ultrasound in six months. I'm still having trouble trusting that one of the tiny nodules isn't a mutated clump of cells that will slowly grow to malignancy.

Thank you to everyone for your positive vibes, prayers and good thoughts. I've had an amazing outpouring of love from friends since all this started. My OA friends have been especially lovely.

I'm struggling to turn this over to HP. I'm powerless, but it pisses me off. I still want to figure out how to fix this. I want absolute proof that there isn't cancer in my body. I don't want to hear the odds unless they are 100%. This is so hard.

Oh, and I've gained 2 pounds this month. My portions have been big. I've been starving. Time to get off my pity-pot, stop being dramatic and live my normal insane life.

You say you're depressed but you're not, you just like to stay in bed

I haven't felt like updating my blogs or writing much of anything online. I think my thyroid stuff will mostly get posted on Chicken Butt for now. There is program stuff I think about all the time with it, but I say it at meetings and to my OA buds on the phone and just haven't got anything left to type. I'm scared. I'm worried. There is nothing I can do but take the next step and try to turn it over.

Today I found out it isn't Hashimoto's disease. My endocrinologist thought it was, but the blood test was negative for the antibodies that would be there if it was an auto-immune disease. I'm glad I don't have it, but if I did it would be pretty certain that I don't have thyroid cancer. Now I have more waiting to do. I go for a biopsy on Tuesday. My sister is going with me.

I've been struggling to get to work in the morning and then struggling to work while I'm there. The title of this post is a lyric of a Paul Simon song that makes me smile every time I hear it.

I went to an OA conference this past weekend. It was great on it's own and that it kept me from staying in my flat all weekend in pajamas worrying about my goiter.* I met some great people and heard some serious BB thumping that I needed to hear. I've been writing an evening inventory based on the directions in step 11 since I got home. Stuff that is recurrent or that bothers me is what I need to talk with my sponsor about. It feels great.

Okay, that's all I've got in my tonight. Thanks for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

* Yes I did say flat. I'm watching too much BBC, but flat feels right and condo sounds weird.