Whatever it takes

Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two

My name is Dodi and I'm a compulsive overeater.

Oh yes indeed I am. Before I promised not to research thyroid issues anymore I read that there are four types of thyroid cancer and the one of them is really bad with no treatment. My first thought after, "I'm dying" was "If I'm dying can I eat sugar again?" Seriously.

I started trying to figure out if I would need to stay abstinent if there was no hope. I can see that if I have something that must be fought I absolutely have to maintain abstinence. I'm helpless in the food and could never do whatever needed doing. But if there was nothing I could do, could I indulge? I could just give up and slip back into a candy-coated oblivion.

My sponsor pointed out that OA has ruined bingeing for me. She said that I would never get that same relief from food again. I believe her. It had lost much of it's power in the months before I finally got abstinent. So that kind of sucks. I'm in the game now like it or not.

The ultrasound was quick. I almost started crying during the procedure. I'm frightened of the results and desperately wanted the technician to say that everything was fine. Of course she couldn't say a thing, but I tried anyway. I should hear the results sometime this week.

I've tried not to talk about it much. After my first panic and desire to scream it from the rooftops I settled down and have worked to not be a drama queen. Which, if you knew me from before program very different behavior for me. Sure I blogged it, but I'm not calling you to talk endlessly about how sick I could be and how awful it is...blah, blah blah.

Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot to me.

Physical

I am scared. I went for my physical and all was well until she was checking my thyroid. “Hmm,” is not a good sound from a doctor any time they are examining anatomy. She said I could be shaped that way or it could be a nodule. Since she noticed she wants to see what’s there. I want to do more research, but more general info is just going to make the panic worse. I know nothing to differentiate and all the symptoms sound like mine, even though three hours ago I had no symptoms.

I can’t even call the hospital to schedule the test until tomorrow. The paperwork has to be done first.

I’ve talked to a few friends and that helps. Of course I jump to cancer in my mind. When I say it out loud or type it I get scolded for going there. Honestly, where else would I go? I didn’t really go there until I read something about nodules producing excess levels of TSH (or T4 or T3) but that cancer didn’t increase the levels. My levels are all dandy. My shrink checked my levels in February. I brought a copy for my doctor. Wikipedia: blessing or curse?

So, I’m working hard to convince myself that my thyroid is merely lopsided. Otherwise I’ll start thinking about the irony of finally getting my shit together and getting cancer. I’ll start writing the screenplay of a lousy Hallmark movie in my head. Think asymmetrical people.

Note: Posting on CB too. Probably will have a lot of program specific stuff later, but for now I'm all general.

Step nine progress, target me

I did two things today that moved me forward within step nine. I made a dentist appointment and an appointment for a physical. Big deal right? No big deal. Except that it took me from September until today to make those calls.

Living amends to myself means taking care of myself. I have not been to the doctor or dentist in three years. I'm not anxious about the physical. I've lost about 90 pounds since my last visit and just had blood work done so I know I'm okay. I need to get references to get the cysts* on my head removed and probably should get my first mamogram and see a dermatologist to check out my moles. I'm a moley girl, always have been. There are some in the center of my back that I can't keep an eye on and have a low level background fear about melanoma.**

I am afraid of the dentist though. If I don't make an appointment for my six month checkup I never go. I get the postcards every six months and then never do anything until I find myself in pain. I'm not in pain, but there is stuff going on in there that I don't want to think about. I always feel shame when I go in. I am not a regular flosser and it is embarrassing and painful when they settle in to chip off the plaque. I know that once I go for my checkup there will be countless followup appointments for crowns, root canals and who knows what else. I think my gums are receding. I'm running out of whole teeth.  I don't want to be the old lady with loose dentures. Bionic dentures might be interesting. Hmm.

Anyway, I see my doctor next week and my dentist next month. It feels good to have those things off my list of things to do.

 

* Had one since collage. My dad had them too. In the last year it got bigger and a second one sprouted. They are front left side of my head. The original one is big enough that my hairdresser noticed. Time to get them removed. Hate the thought of shaved areas and scars on my scalp.

** "I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!"***

*** Yes, this bit really does goes through my head every single time I encounter the word Melanoma. Every. Single. Time.

Ignore the man behind the curtain

Things are a bit crazed at work. Well, to be fair, things are crazed in my head at work. My supervisor is out this afternoon and tomorrow because of a death in the family and I'm trying to do both our jobs. So, of course I am frozen with paralysis and am writing a blog entry instead of working on the two dozen tasks I must complete in the next two hours. Oh, and I just finished copying this recipe for homemade laundry detergent (powdered version, although the gel-like substance is tempting) into my organizer. It is that old pal instant gratification that makes me want to run over to Super Target right now and buy the ingredients. The need to get all this stuff and try it out right now had completely erased the stress of what I'm avoiding (for about two minutes).

Big focus on letting go of perfectionism and not being afraid to fuck up today. Willinginess to fail is a major hurdle for me. My pride is in the way. I should not make mistakes. I should be perfect.

Multiple prayers so far today. Many more to come I'm sure. I can feel tension in my shoulders and neck as I sit here. I should probably take ten minutes to go deep breath and stretch my neck. Gaak! I just want to crawl up in a ball under my desk until Wednesday. Instead I will finish this post then I will tackle the next thing on my list. One task at a time, one moment at a time.