Net-zero

I weighed myself today. Twice. The second time I was the same weight as last weigh-in. That is my official number and I'm sticking to it.

The first weigh-in was scary. If you hate reading about bodily functions please stop reading. I'm not going to get gross, just honest about my craziness and it involves poop.

I tried to crap this morning and just wasn't ready. I've been worried that my weight has gone up. It certainly hadn't gone down and my work pants are bordering on flood length. I tend to lose weight first from my bosom and gain it first in my belly. I've already cleaned up my food, but I feared I had done some damage. I wish I could say my monthly weigh-ins are just about knowing which direction I'm going, but honestly I do care about the number. I was freaked that I would go from 102 back into the 90s. According to the scale I had gained four pounds. NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Back to 98. How could I face my OA friends? I've shared about my messiness with food and the struggles, but numbers are facts and quantify my behavior. Fuck. I hate this disease.

So I waited an hour and headed to the bathroom again. If it hadn't been sub-freezing I would have taken a few laps around the building. I'm tempted to get graphic here, but will refrain. Let's just say, I worked a bit harder on that BM than I usually do. Thoughts of developing Diverticulitis lost out to trying to get back into the 100s. Generally I wait for nature to run its course and my body is generally cooperative. This morning I actually had thoughts of digging it out with my finger or a stick or something. Crazy! Wouldn't have gone there, but the thought came to me. All for a bloody number on a scale. No foreign objects were introduced and mission was accomplished. I also peed again and blew my nose (because every little counts). I was however, shocked to see those four pounds gone. It was by no means a four pound poo. I even got off the scale and back on again to see if it was just totally fucked.

So that's my story. I hope someone gets comfort from this little tale. You can say, "God, at least I'm not that crazy!" Good for you. Or, if you feel compelled to share your own scale madness, I'm all ears. I'm so glad I only go through this once a month.