Whatever it takes

Not alone anymore

I just had a minor ah-ha moment. I was mentally writing a blog post. (I’m pretty sure I did this before I had a blog too. I carefully craft the story in the foreground while furiously editing in the background. I’m not sure who my audience was pre-blog, but I don’t think it was me.) I was telling the story of how terrified I am at the thought of dating and how a conversation this weekend had challenged my perspective.* While deciding which blog to post to I questioned whether this was program-crazy or normal-crazy. This is a huge change from my pre-program days. Before OA I assumed that all my craziness was uniquely mine. Now I ask whether it is addict specific or if most people feel this way.

Now I find myself asking other program people of things are normal. I learned while sharing my fifth step that much I knew to be true was not. I don't question every feeling, thought and action like it did in the aftermath, but I don't assume I know what's normal anymore.

I am growing out of my terminal uniqueness and I’m thrilled.

*A poker buddy just ended a long-term relationship and was talking about the dates he has setup through a singles site. I said something about how hard it must be and he said no, he was quite enjoying himself. What? Dating can be fun? Really? I’m so freaked out about how crazy I’m likely to be in any attempted relationship and what an ass I’ve been before in any romantic endeavor that I’ve forgotten that it is supposed to be fun. D'oh!

Willing to be willing to be willing, I think, maybe

I keep tripping on the carpet today. This tells me I am not present in my life today. I’m not paying attention. I’m also indulging in a bit of fantasy. It’s fun to craft a future meeting with Doctor #10 (Tennant) where he finds me utterly fascinating and we commence a long distance romance. It is not fun to work on the defect that is currently making my life unmanageable.

My bed binging must stop. I hope that I have finally had enough. Am I sick and tired enough of my behavior that I’m willing to surrender it utterly? I was this morning. I got to work on time at 8:30. Yesterday I was still in bed at 1pm and finally decided to give it up and call it a sick day. I am tired of being unreliable and feeling ashamed at my lack of self-control. It feels just like binging on food: same mental processes, same numbness, and same guilt. I know that surrendering my food to HP and working the steps works. I know it. I’ve lived it.

And that’s one thing that scares me. I know it will work. I’m afraid to let it go. I met with my therapist last night and this is mainly what we talked about. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid that I’m not really ready yet and I’ll fall. To which my therapist said, “So?” My sponsor would say the same thing. I’m so afraid of being wrong that I’m willing to stay miserable and not try rather than make mistakes. Crazy.

I’m also afraid that letting go of oversleeping is letting go of my adolescence. As miserable as I get while I hit the snooze alarm for hours, I still enjoy it a bit. Is this rebellion? In a sick way it feels like freedom. It isn’t quite on the level of, “life isn’t worth living without sugar,” but it is close.

I left a message for my sponsor to call me. I told her I was willing to take direction. Okay, I chickened out and said I was willing to be willing to take direction. It’s a start.

But I don't want to

I've been struggling with getting to work at the expected time for years now. I've prayed for the willingness to be willing, I've tried to turn it over to HP. I've had sporadic success. I'm struggling and wailing and moaning. I'm starting to see that I am the same as those who are struggling with their food week after week. I was getting frustrated listening to it. "Stop talking about it and do it," I thought. Stop struggling and just let it go. Hard to see it until it's done. Impossible to describe.

When a friend challenged me to really use all the tools to get to work on time I resisted. In that moment I knew I was not really willing to let that behavior go. I still like enough about it that I am not willing to work to change it. Just like with food, I want to get the benefits of abstinence without changing anything in my life.

I need to take definite actions to change this behavior. I need to use all the tools and work the steps on this. I know that when I do, the changes will happen. I know it. I've seen it. It scares me. As miserable as I am, I can't quite comprehend life without it. Before I stopped eating sweets I thought life without sugar would not be worth living. I knew that was crazy, but it felt true. I did it anyway. I surrendered the sweets. That was over two years ago. I've now lived through three Halloweens without candy; each year better than the last.

HP, please give my the willingness and ability to surrender all my shortcomings which stand between me and grace.

Minus 1 = 102 gone

Lost one pound this month. Honestly, I was worried. I got a bit fast and loose with my portions and late night breakfasts over vacation. If I didn't get out of bed until 2pm I still ate three meals. I also choose to ignore my one salad a day guideline. I also haven't crapped yet today and would like to weigh myself tomorrow again and average the numbers. (Because seriously, when it comes to the scale, don't you think a good crap can take off 10 pounds?) This of course is crazy.

Before I got on the scale I was in bargaining mode. I prayed to stay sane whatever the number was. I told myself I'd be happy if my weight stayed the same. Of course my brain doesn't really work that way. I am a compulsive overeater and irrational about the scale. Good thing I only weigh myself once a month.

Going through the motions

I went to lunch with an OA buddy today. It was fun. It was also good to talk program with a peer. She told me I have a vacation hangover. She is right. I’m so tired and unmotivated. I spent too much time sleeping and watching DVDs last week, now it is all I want to do. It was really hard to get out of bed today. Harder than it was Monday or Tuesday. My supervisor just said the same, so I can’t blame it on my disease. He is having motivation issues today and he’s pretty sane.

Fear has been a recurrent theme in my program this week. I need to take more risks at work. I’m not taking up some responsibilities I ought to for fear of mistakes. I must learn to accept and possibly embrace my own mistakes. As flawed as I know I am, I am unforgiving when I am not perfect. I still think I can do things perfectly. I put off decisions, even tiny ones, because I’m not absolutely sure I’m making the right choice.

Last week I was shopping in Bed, Bath and Beyond and got into a brief conversation about drapes with a guy. He was looking for 96” drape length and the store only had 84”. My next stop was Best Buy and as I was ogling the big screen LCDs I realized that the ogler next to me was the same guy. After I accused him of stalking he said he had no luck with the drapes and did I know some place that he could find them. All I could think of were Pottery Barn ($$$) and JC Pennys. So normal chit-chat with strangers, right? No big deal? Later that I night I remembered that IKEA carries a lot of long drapes. D’oh! I woke up the next morning berating myself for not thinking of it at the time and feeling guilty. This isn’t even a real mistake, just a lapse in memory. Yet I added it to my list of things to feel bad about. I’m still wincing about it a week later and wishing I could let the guy know. He probably found some the next day and has moved on. I am still on my own shit list over it. And I know it. I talked about it twice now. So now I’ve written it.

HP, please let me get over myself and let it go.