Whatever it takes

Two more down - 95 pounds gone

I’ve lost another 2 pounds. I’ve now lost 95 pounds. Wow. So far I haven’t gone to the crazy place that being so close to a big three-digit number could send me. There is no doubt I am crazy. I’d love to be at a place where I could not weigh myself at all. I’m just not there. This morning I had all the standard numbers games in my head. I didn’t want to weigh myself if I couldn’t poop before lunch. I did. Yeah bowels! Then I wondered if the shoes I’m wearing are heavier than the ones I usually wear. But then I realized that I’m wearing a size smaller in pants. Does the reduced fabric volume equal out the potential extra shoe weight?

I have to remind myself that I weigh myself to make sure I’m moving in the right direction. I was worried that I had gained even though I’ve been abstinent and my body feels smaller. I was worried that it was misleading and that it was just a delayed manifestation of last month’s 4 pound lost. I’ve had that happen so many times before. I expect a big loss and instead there is nothing, or worse, a gain. So now I know that I’m on track. That should be all there is to it. Maybe some day it will be.

Freedom from bondage

Wednesday was my second abstinence anniversary. It was mostly a very good day. I’m proud of myself for not eating sweets for two years now. I’m proud that I have stuck to a plan of eating for so long. The plan has changed over time and I haven’t been perfect, but the consistency in my eating is miraculous.

I’ve been thinking about how my life has changed. It has literally been years now since I’ve binge shopped. Small 24 hour pharmacy stores, like Walgreen’s, were my binge-food one-stop shops. They’re perfect for it. They carry all the major binge food groups. It is easy to get in and out quickly. They are open 24 hours a day. I rarely run into anyone I know there.

When I think about it I get a knot in my gut. I would pace from living room to kitchen while convincing myself I needed to go shopping and then deciding that I wouldn’t this time. Sometimes I would get dressed, then undress, then dress again and put my coat on, then sit down to watch TV. I would spend hours trying to resist the urge. Occasionally I succeeded, but mostly I ended up driving to Walgreen’s late at night, furious with myself. Once there I would always buy more candy, nuts, chips, beef jerky, ice cream, etc. than I intended to. Sometimes I bought some “necessity” that I had used as an excuse to go out. Usually I would buy enough food to eat myself sick that night, and still have plenty to start in again when I woke up.

Sometimes I miss the food items or the freedom to eat what I want, when I want it.  But I do not miss that restless misery. Thank you to everyone in the OA fellowship, I could not do it without you. My life keeps getting better the longer I work this program.

Integrity and Grace

I've been thinking a lot about integrity lately. I was thinking about it before this post at Angry Fat Girlz, but that helped refine it, focus it in my head. I'm seeing clear consequences of not acting with integrity lately. I only seem to struggle with food choices when I've not done what I ought in other areas.

Since taking step seven I've thought about living with grace a lot. The removal of each one of my character defects results in grace. Take away procrastination, grace. Relieve me of perfectionism, grace. Accepting I cannot control most everything in my life, grace. So if grace is what is left in the absence of my shortcomings, I don't want to fuck it up, but I do need to take actions.I want to act with intentional integrity.

I have trouble getting out of bed most days. I binge on the snooze alarm. Last night I recorded a message to myself on my cell phone alarm. I reminded myself that getting out of bed at 8am is acting with integrity and that I didn't act with integrity on Friday and it made me feel like shit. The solution to that isn't to stay in bed again today and wallow in it. It is to get up and do what I need to today so that I don't feel shitty and maybe it will be just a little bit easier tomorrow. I did get out of bed at 8. It felt good, even though I didn't want to do it.

There are so many opportunities throughout the day to live in grace and integrity. I've got a lot more in my head about it, but it isn't translating into words this morning. For today it is enough.

Supporting each other

Please send some recovery strength and warm fuzzies to Capsdeej at Lucid Madness. She has had a really rough summer and could use any positive energy you care to send.

Trusting HP and the steps

I feel like I'm distanced from recovery right now. I skipped my Sunday night meeting to attend a BBQ with some high school friends. I told my sponsor and a few others that I would not be there, but it felt odd at 5pm not to be sitting in that slightly moldy basement around a kid-height table covered with glitter and goo. I had a very nice time with my friends, but it was outside my routine.

I haven't been getting very many calls and I haven't made many. I know I rely too much on others calling me. I get out of the habit. I'm glad there is a meeting tonight.

Ninety-three pounds lost feels really good. I still don't have a good sense of how big I am compared to others. I'm more present in my body since I was a kid, but I now feel smaller than I am. It's all very confusing. I'm wearing a faux-suede jacket today that I bought when I lost 80-some pounds in WW. It was still too small this spring, which is weird because I've shrunk out of so much other stuff from that time. It still feels snug in the shoulders. I cannot remember if it fit snug when I got it. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but it bothers me.

My weight is slowly and steadily decreasing, but I still expect more dramatic changes as I transition seasonal clothing. Sigh. Yet it is nice to believe that come summer again if my clothes do not fit it will be because it is too big. I must continue to work the steps and use the tools of OA. I know beyond doubt that this works.

Four pounds less, Happy Birthday to me

I've lost four more pounds. I have now lost 93 pounds. I'm really happy about that. So far I haven't gotten freaky about how close to 100 pounds I am. Maybe I got that out of my system a few months ago, or it could hit me when I least expect it. For today, right now, I am content with myself exactly as I am.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It was a nice day. I didn't have any plans, but that was fine with me. I had no expectations for the day and so just relaxed and went with the flow. I read in the morning, went to my favorite eating hole for lunch, bought some thread for my new sewing machine and went to my sister's house. I hung out there for a bit, then took the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble they gave me and went shopping. I bought a globe, a laminated map of Illinois for the car, three CDs, and a sewing book. I love shopping with gift certificates. I'm getting more disciplined too, I only had to add $3.33 to complete the transaction. I used to spend at least 50% more than the gift amount.

Then I went back to my sister's house to swim and eat. She ordered pizza and salad. She put candles on the candle and they all sang Happy Birthday to me (the neighbors were over too). It was nice to have pizza out. I've been wanting it (yes, it is on my food plan), but I tend to over eat it. It's nice to have a portion, then not have any left overs. I did eat it rather fast though, because by the time it arrived I had 15 minutes to eat before I had to go home to catch my ride to a meeting.

Yes, I went to a meeting on my birthday. I haven't been to that meeting in over two years. A friend invited me to go with them and I accepted. It felt right to go. I'm so grateful for my life right now and it is all due to the program. The speaker was great and I saw a few people I knew. The topic was steps 8 & 9.

At first I was disappointed because I had just gone over step 8 on Sunday with my sponsor. It was good though, because it reminded me that I need to start making my step 9 amends now. I don't want to sit here at 9 for a year like I did for 8.

There are some amends that I thought I would not have to make that I do. There some amends I thought I would have to make that I don't. It's hard to think of the financial amends I owe. It is hard for me to let go of money. I can tell that I will feel better when they are done. I'm relieved I don't owe amends to my dad. I need to find a way to forgive him, but that is part of my self-amends. I am to write letters to my parents explaining what I needed to get from them that I did not. It is not to be given to them, it is for me to work through it.

I'm glad I got step eight done before my birthday. I feel clean. I was starting to beat myself up over my lack of forward progress. The speaker last night reminded me that it is after the ninth step that the obsession with food shall be lifted. My sponsor had reminded me that the promises are at the end of step nine, but I hadn't thought specifically about food.

I had some insanity yesterday at lunch about food. I had planned to get one of my usual meals at the cafe. Standing in line it felt like there would not be enough. I wanted more than one dish. I wanted a bit of everything. I tried to convince myself that having a pretzel roll on my birthday was acceptable, even though bread as a side is specifically not in my plan. I wanted to treat myself to excess food on my birthday. Knowing how crazy that is doesn't stop me. "Self-knowledge avails us nothing." I don't remember thinking of any specific tools, but I did order one of my usuals. I did however order extra chips. "It's my birthday, I can't have cake but I can eat extra potato chips." Not the worse thing in the world, but not sane either. I was, of course, stuffed when I finished. The portions were, as usual, big and filling.

I'm going to my usual Tuesday night meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think I should add in extra meetings occasionally, it adds some zest.