Wednesday was my second abstinence anniversary. It was mostly a very good day. I’m proud of myself for not eating sweets for two years now. I’m proud that I have stuck to a plan of eating for so long. The plan has changed over time and I haven’t been perfect, but the consistency in my eating is miraculous.
I’ve been thinking about how my life has changed. It has literally been years now since I’ve binge shopped. Small 24 hour pharmacy stores, like Walgreen’s, were my binge-food one-stop shops. They’re perfect for it. They carry all the major binge food groups. It is easy to get in and out quickly. They are open 24 hours a day. I rarely run into anyone I know there.
When I think about it I get a knot in my gut. I would pace from living room to kitchen while convincing myself I needed to go shopping and then deciding that I wouldn’t this time. Sometimes I would get dressed, then undress, then dress again and put my coat on, then sit down to watch TV. I would spend hours trying to resist the urge. Occasionally I succeeded, but mostly I ended up driving to Walgreen’s late at night, furious with myself. Once there I would always buy more candy, nuts, chips, beef jerky, ice cream, etc. than I intended to. Sometimes I bought some “necessity” that I had used as an excuse to go out. Usually I would buy enough food to eat myself sick that night, and still have plenty to start in again when I woke up.
Sometimes I miss the food items or the freedom to eat what I want, when I want it. But I do not miss that restless misery. Thank you to everyone in the OA fellowship, I could not do it without you. My life keeps getting better the longer I work this program.