I've lost four more pounds. I have now lost 93 pounds. I'm really happy about that. So far I haven't gotten freaky about how close to 100 pounds I am. Maybe I got that out of my system a few months ago, or it could hit me when I least expect it. For today, right now, I am content with myself exactly as I am.
Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It was a nice day. I didn't have any plans, but that was fine with me. I had no expectations for the day and so just relaxed and went with the flow. I read in the morning, went to my favorite eating hole for lunch, bought some thread for my new sewing machine and went to my sister's house. I hung out there for a bit, then took the gift certificate to Barnes & Noble they gave me and went shopping. I bought a globe, a laminated map of Illinois for the car, three CDs, and a sewing book. I love shopping with gift certificates. I'm getting more disciplined too, I only had to add $3.33 to complete the transaction. I used to spend at least 50% more than the gift amount.
Then I went back to my sister's house to swim and eat. She ordered pizza and salad. She put candles on the candle and they all sang Happy Birthday to me (the neighbors were over too). It was nice to have pizza out. I've been wanting it (yes, it is on my food plan), but I tend to over eat it. It's nice to have a portion, then not have any left overs. I did eat it rather fast though, because by the time it arrived I had 15 minutes to eat before I had to go home to catch my ride to a meeting.
Yes, I went to a meeting on my birthday. I haven't been to that meeting in over two years. A friend invited me to go with them and I accepted. It felt right to go. I'm so grateful for my life right now and it is all due to the program. The speaker was great and I saw a few people I knew. The topic was steps 8 & 9.
At first I was disappointed because I had just gone over step 8 on Sunday with my sponsor. It was good though, because it reminded me that I need to start making my step 9 amends now. I don't want to sit here at 9 for a year like I did for 8.
There are some amends that I thought I would not have to make that I do. There some amends I thought I would have to make that I don't. It's hard to think of the financial amends I owe. It is hard for me to let go of money. I can tell that I will feel better when they are done. I'm relieved I don't owe amends to my dad. I need to find a way to forgive him, but that is part of my self-amends. I am to write letters to my parents explaining what I needed to get from them that I did not. It is not to be given to them, it is for me to work through it.
I'm glad I got step eight done before my birthday. I feel clean. I was starting to beat myself up over my lack of forward progress. The speaker last night reminded me that it is after the ninth step that the obsession with food shall be lifted. My sponsor had reminded me that the promises are at the end of step nine, but I hadn't thought specifically about food.
I had some insanity yesterday at lunch about food. I had planned to get one of my usual meals at the cafe. Standing in line it felt like there would not be enough. I wanted more than one dish. I wanted a bit of everything. I tried to convince myself that having a pretzel roll on my birthday was acceptable, even though bread as a side is specifically not in my plan. I wanted to treat myself to excess food on my birthday. Knowing how crazy that is doesn't stop me. "Self-knowledge avails us nothing." I don't remember thinking of any specific tools, but I did order one of my usuals. I did however order extra chips. "It's my birthday, I can't have cake but I can eat extra potato chips." Not the worse thing in the world, but not sane either. I was, of course, stuffed when I finished. The portions were, as usual, big and filling.
I'm going to my usual Tuesday night meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think I should add in extra meetings occasionally, it adds some zest.