I stayed the same in weight this month. I was kind of expecting that. I knew I wasn't being "bad," but I also knew I wasn't being "good." After gaining two pounds last month I had a sort of attitude of why be good now, I'm already fucking up, why not wallow for a bit. I didn't get back to eating a salad for a meal once a day. Not that I didn't eat salads, I did. Just not everyday. Then of course there was the slip. It feels wierd to call it a slip. It was a deliberate break in abstinence. But I got right back on. I guess this is what people mean when the say they don't have perfect abstinence. Not that I would have called my abstinence perfect before the big slip, but I'm still uncomfortable about it.
*****Warning! Specific food talk. Potential trigger subject matter. *********
It is hard for me to say, "I've lost 84 pounds." I was able to say 86 pounds, I didn't want to go back. But I've made myself say the smaller number when it comes up. It hurts, but it's honest. It is the true number. The fact that I want to lie about it, tells me it is important to be truthful.
I think I may have to give up bread.
Just writing that was painful so I left it all alone on its own line. Bread has started to creep into my day in a big way. I've been justifying eating an extra roll at my favorite cafe. It always makes sense at the time, but it never feels good. I've been afraid it might come to this and I've hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I think I'm powerless over bread. Bread and butter to be precise. I think about it between meals. How can I get more bread. Crap. Crap. Crap. I do not want to give it up! I just don't. I want to be willing to do whatever it takes, but I do not want to do this.
I'm not quite as dramatic about white (or french or italian or pretzel or sourdough) as I was about sugar. Before I gave up sugar I didn't think life would be worth living with out it. How sick is that. Seriously fucked up thinking. Life has been better without sugar. But bread will not only cause me lack of enjoyment, but convience as well. In a hurry? Buy a sandwich. What about pizza? I've already limited my consumption of this food of the gods because I would eat it everyday if it was healthy. Obviously I need to do some more writing and talking about this. I have to talk with my sponsor.
A sponsee called this morning while I was driving to work. She is changing her abstinence to cut out all her binge foods; refined flour breads are part of this. It was what I needed to hear, but I was pissed off too. Because I do not want to go there.
I''m sitting here writing this and also figuring out where to eat before my meeting tonight to get maximum bread intake before I become willing to do this. I want to go to a bakery and buy a big loaf of french bread to eat with some quality unsalted butter. I did have a salad for lunch so technically wouldn't be breaking my abstinence, but it sounds like a bad idea.
Compulsive overeating is a bitch.