Crap. I broke my abstinence on Friday night. I was at an OA Big Book Study retreat. After a really powerful part one from the speaker I went to my room, got ready for bed and got into bed. I then got out of bed and got most of what I had brought for breakfast. I had realized when I read the menu that I would not be needing it for breakfast. I ate 8 triscuits, 1/2 cup sunflower seeds and a large granny smith apple. I left one serving of triscuits and an apple uneaten.
The foods and even the amounts are not the problem here. The problem is that I do not eat between meals. I purposefully choose to act in a harmful way.
The good news is that I was able to get back on track the next day. I didn't tell anyone about it until lunch time. I called my sponsor and an OA friend that afternoon. My sponsor had me write down all the things which led to my binge. (For make no mistake, this was a binge of compulsive eating.) Here are some of the things that led me to break my abstinence:
- I'd been keeping secrets. Little things I ought to have talked with my sponsor about right away I kept to myself. Sometimes I shared in meetings, but this is not the same.
- I stopped reading from the Big Book in the morning and before bed.
- I stopped writing here at WIT.
- I hardly made any OA calls.
- I ignored a new sponsee when she emailed and left messages.
- I delayed calling my sponsees back.
- I did not work on my steps for several months.
- I wallowed in fear (new job, refused favors, fear of rejection)
- I started feeling like I wanted to get away with stuff in my food plan. My portions got really big and my choices became more starchy.
- My morning prayers became more difficult to focus on and say completely.
I didn't stop going to any of my meetings, which before has been an obvious warning sign. But each of these things about were moving me toward the food and away from my higher power.
The speaker pounded it into my head that every action is either moving you toward God or moving you toward the food. There is no middle ground. Every thought and action moves you one way or the other. Knowing that the food is fatal puts the spotlight on how crazy I am to take a single step toward the food.
I ate because I am a compulsive overeater. I am abstinent today because I am working my program.