Whatever it takes

64 tablespoons of butter

I lost another two pounds in January bringing me to 77 pounds lost. For some reason I wasn’t happy with the numbers and weighed myself again without my sweater to try to get it lower. Why is two pounds disappointing? Maybe because I feel like I lost more? Maybe because I spent hours Saturday shopping for an outfit to wear to a wedding Saturday night without finding a thing?

I tried on almost a dozen skirts. I thought that I would fit into a smaller size than I bought in August for a wedding. It feels like I should be in a smaller size because I’ve been losing steadily for months, but then I looked back. I’ve lost 13 pounds since August. I gained 2.5 pounds in September and have lost two or three pounds each month since then. So a 2X skirt at Clearwater Creek still doesn’t fit, but the 3X looks a lot better. I came very close to buying a skirt and blouse that I was just iffy about. Then I looked at the prices. I was not going to spend $150 for clothes I may only wear once. I took another look in my closet and found a skirt and sweater that will work fine. The skirt should be eight inches shorter, but I’m not going to bother.  The wedding isn’t about me and I’ll feel comfortable enough not to be fussing about my clothes. I haven’t seen the groom since his brother’s wedding. I want to interact with people, not worry about my ass or tummy or if my skirt is too long.

Some of my wardrobe standbys are getting baggy, but I haven’t found suitable replacements. There are too many sweaters in my closet right now that are suitable only for weekend wear. This is a bit annoying, but a much better problem than my pre-abstinent dilemma of not fitting into anything at all.

I’ll take my two pound loss gladly. 

Writing down the crazy

Yesterday I wrote, but none of it was intended for public display. I wrote as a tool. I wrote because I was not sane. It helped. I was calm for about an hour before the drunken party monkeys clamored for drama. I also left a nutty message for my sponsor. She called me back last night when she had a moment. This is good. Although I'm always telling people to call their sponsors, it isn't easy to take my own advice. Like all things program, it gets easier with practice.

I have not heard anything about the job. Yesterday this became intolerable. It felt urgent that I know something. It was cruel and unfair to leave me twisting in the wind. It has been a week now. I know that I won't hear anything until at least next Tuesday now.

I tried to turn it over to HP, but my repeated prayers were a rant, a chant that wound me up tighter. Writing until I ran out of steam helped me see that. I wrote until the only thing left was a prayer for willingness to let it go, surrender my illusion of control.

Practicing the principles of OA in all my affairs isn't easy. I certainly don't remember to do it all the time, but it is easier to remember throughout my day to reach out for help. I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful I have a meeting tonight. Thank you HP.

The be-all-you-can-be diet

I still have heard anything about the job. On the phone this morning with an OA friend I shared that I've never interviewed for a job which I did not get. Then I remembered one of the nutty things I almost did to "fix" my life. It wasn't actually a job interview, but it kind of felt like one.

I was living in a large city where I only knew people I'd met at my crappy dead-end job. I had moved there when I dropped out of collage in 1992 because my parents had a friend that was willing to sell me a house on contract for $200 a month. It was a very small house, only one story high, 24 feet wide and 19 feet deep. It was on an okay street in the middle of a terrible neighborhood. The summer I moved there the paper reported nine fatal shootings within eight blocks of my new house. It was all very depressing.

I learned that I could buy an awful lot of cheap junk food at Aldi. I lived on chips, corn dogs, tater-tots, popcorn, and family-sized frozen dinners. I had no phone and my family lived an hour away. I gained weight, got worse and worse at my mindless job, chain smoked when I was with my chain-smoking friends, and drank too much on weekends.

I lived there for 27 months before my mom intervened and moved me back home to finish college. Before I my depression hit it lowest point I came up with a plan. If anyone could whip my ass into shape it was the armed forces. I figured a couple years with the army or navy would be a great diet plan.

I'm a left-wing liberal with authority figure issues. I was a painting major in school and had never, ever considered military service before this. It was a desperate stupid plan to change my life.

I called a local recruiter to ask if they had any special two year plans. I figured it would take less than a year to hit fighting weight, but had never heard of any service shorter than four years. The recruiter said no, but he'd like to talk with me about it. I asked if there was a maximum weight. He said there was. Even after I explained that I was over the limit he still wanted to talk to me. Man those guys are persuasive. This is how desperate I was, I went to talk with him. He weighed me; I was too heavy for my height to sign up. (Thank HP!) But he still sat me down and tried to convince me that I could take off the weight and then sign up.

What he didn't get is that if I could lose the weight by myself, I wouldn't need the army. I think that is the craziest diet-exercise-change-my-life-forever scheme I ever took action on.

How crazy were you before Overeaters Anonymous?

Interview is done

The interview is done. Did it go well? I don't know. Parts went great. Other parts I keep replaying with much better answers to questions. I was nervous even after I got started which I didn't expect. I know those people so I thought I would relax, but I want this so much I probably tried too hard to say the exact right thing.

I prayed a lot. I prayed last night, all morning, and right before we got going. My therapist gave me a useful prayer/meditation last night, this or something better. Reminding me to trust HP whichever way it goes. Trust that there is something better to come if this doesn't work out. I prayed up until the start and then forgot until I was walking out the door. I could have used some prayer in the middle.

I passed the tech test with no problem. It was basically the same as a function I've used a lot lately. So it was no problem to answer questions about it and find the flaw. I even answered the bonus question in my original response. I could totally rock at this job, I'm just not sure I was able to demonstrate that effectively.

I've done everything I can. Now I must wait at least until next week to hear anything. I keep trying to turn it over, but I'm still a bit jittery.

Careful what you wish for

The interview is tomorrow. I've been going nuts waiting since applying for the role before Christmas. Now this morning I learn that the interview is tomorrow morning. I can feel the tension in my neck, my chest feels tight too. I know the panel, so that's good.

I need to call my sponsor. She has already told me that I need to be completely honest during the interview, but I don't have to volunteer bad stuff right? I do believe I'd be excellent in the position, I just have some character defects that I'd rather not get into if I don't have to.

Yep, need to call my sponsor tonight for sure.

P.S. There are donuts and muffins five feet from me right now. I turned the box so that I didn't see them but someone just shifted the box while taking one and not only can I see them, I can smell them. Just moved them again. These normal eaters have no idea how blessed they are not to risk losing their sanity over random baked goods.

My shittiest days now are not as shitty as they used to be

I pitched a mini fit before my meeting tonight. The woman who arrived first decided we should meet in one of the back rooms of the church instead of right up front where we usually meet. I hate that room. It's a partitioned, youth room space with three big chairs and three love seats, all old and musty. We voted last year that we would not meet there, but up front instead. However, there was a big function at the church and whenever that happens we get all sorts of people wandering through and interrupting us.

I hate meeting there. It smells and if we get a large group it's a tight fit. I couldn't stop telling everyone how much I hate the room. I was grumpy. The woman who made the move asked if I'd had a bad day and gave me a hug. I didn't have a bad day, but it's been a crappy week.

I spoiled my weekend because I relapsed into some old self-destructive behavior. First I pretty much blew off work Friday. Then I wasted Saturday procrastinating about the work I needed to do. As usual, I didn't do any work until today. When will I stop doing this shit? Yes, I didn't go to the food, but I go to destructive actions. I guess the important thing is that I did do the work today.

The meeting was packed and helpful. Many reminders that perfection is not required. Even one returning member who quit about six months ago. Glad to see them back.

I am powerless over food, people, places and things. I forget that. Meetings remind me better than anything.

Not as I do

My mind is fuzzy today. I am stressed out. I didn’t sleep well last night. By the time it occurred to me I should take another half of sleeping pill it was too late. At work I have too many tasks and not enough time.

I’m assigned to a project where I’m over my head. I shouldn’t be ashamed because I’ve said this from the beginning; my skill set just doesn’t match the project. There is no one else available though, so I got assigned. I can research and test, but the project is at a point where I just don’t know what to do. The project manager doesn’t blame me; she just wants to get the thing done. Still, my cheeks feel hot from admitting someone else would be better. That was an hour ago. I hate not knowing enough.

I need to make some calls. A woman I talk to just about everyday is on vacation for ten days and I miss that daily contact. It reminds me that most of the people I talk to between meetings are calling me. I’ve not gotten in the habit of calling people. I tell my sponsorees how important it is to make calls then go isolate myself.

Thank HP for  my fellow recovery bloggers. While I tend to use web surfing to procrastinate, at least I’m getting so good program nuggets at the same time. See? I can multi-task.

Grace is my coyote

You know how something is brought to your attention and then just keeps popping up everywhere you look? My friend Tami calls it the coyote effect. You happen to see one coyote while driving, and suddenly you see them every time you go out. It happens a lot in program. Something jumps out at you during a meeting, suddenly it comes up in conversations, magazine articles and every meeting you go to that week.

Grace is my current coyote. My sponsor brought it up when we went over my sixth step and it's been a recurring theme ever since. When my character defects are removed grace it what's left. Grace happens when I let go the illusion of control. When I choose to take a loving action, even when I don't want to, that is grace. When I pray to be useful before sharing at a meeting or while talking with a sponsoree I am closer to grace than when I forget.

I scrubbed my tub and surround tiles on Monday and forgot to re-write my morning reminders on the wall. So Tuesday morning I was climbing out of the tub before I remembered to pray and run through steps 1-3 & 7. I need that visual reminder or I stay mostly asleep while shampooing and conditioning. Last night at a meeting someone shared that they reviewed steps 1,2 & 3 in the shower that morning after hearing me mention it many times in meetings. When I got home I rewrote my reminders. I wrote "Grace" at the bottom and underlined it twice.

Just now I followed a link from Sober Chick's blog roll to Christine Kane's blog. Her current post explains her resolution revolution:

One year I just decided to revolt against resolutions. I had my very own “resolution revolution.” I decided to simplify, to focus, and to be gentle about the approach. Here it is:

Pick a word for the year.

Just one word.   That’s all.

Then, hold that word in your mind throughout the year, and let your word guide you to take action. For instance, let’s say you want to make a resolution to lose 20 pounds, and to change jobs. Rather than say, “I resolve to lose 20 pounds and get a better job,” (which can be somewhat overwhelming) you might sit with this thought for a little while. Write in your journal. Maybe then you would recognize that you’ve been scared to look for another job because there might not be something out there, and maybe you’ve been overeating to stuff down the fears that come up and the feelings of insecurity.

So, instead of making resolutions - which do little to inspire you - you choose the word “courage.” Courage then becomes what guides you. Each day you focus on that word. When you don’t want to go to the gym, you don’t berate yourself with the threat of your resolution. Instead, you motivate yourself with your word. “Courage.” You say it aloud to remind yourself. And you go because learning how to not be scared of change is exciting to you. The word then builds on itself. You might decide to take a yoga class even though the skinny yoga girls have always scared you. You might find that you have a little more energy with each new thing you try. Maybe this energy motivates you to call an old friend in your field and let her know you are looking for another job. Courage becomes the guiding force, not the harsh standard. (And WAY better for you than a pound of bacon and four eggs for breakfast, too!)

My first thought was grace. I scanned her list of possible words looking for grace. Maybe I got the concept wrong, even if I did have the wrong end of the monkey I thought grace would be my word. Grace is there, but I think any of the words on the list would teach me plenty.

What's your word this year?

Happy New Year!

I'm back at work and just typed "January 2007" for the first time. I wonder how long I'll be writing the wrong date on checks this year. I got stuck on 1989 for several years. Whenever I wrote a date on autopilot my hand wrote 1989. Yet I had little trouble switching 1999 to 2000.

I just weighed myself. I've lost another 3 pounds. This puts me at 75 pounds lost. After 11 days of vacation. Yes, I'm amazed too. I was abstinent through the holidays and through long days of wearing pjs all day while watching movies and reading. Three meals a day, nothing in between. Did I think about snacking? Yep. But I didn't act on it. I got a bit sad about desserts at Christmas, but they just aren't worth it any more.

There were eleven people at the meeting on New Years Eve. Mostly long-timers. Eight of us are sponsors. It was a really good meeting. I love those people.

The big diet push has started. I've gotten a lot of hits from searches for Weight Watchers. I know it works for a lot of normal eaters out there, but it didn't for me. Not for life. I'm grateful for the lack of misery at this time. I'm not beating myself up for over-indulging last week. I'm not detoxing from sugar overload. I'm not making resolutions I won't keep. I'm just taking it one day at a time and working my OA program.

I'm grateful for the recovery I'm living and praying for another abstinent year, one day at a time. Wishing you the same.