Whatever it takes

Vacation half thoughts

I'm on vacation. Christmas was surprisingly pleasant. I'm only sporadically online this week. Oh, and I got a Playstation 2 with Guitar Hero II and Dance Dance Revolution. So I'm enjoying myself, but the week is going much too quickly.

I'm abstinent and it wasn't even hard to stick to my three meals a day. I ate a bit too much, but not between meals and nothing I shouldn't eat. I prayed a lot, talked with OAs and made all my regular meetings. I went on Xmas eve and will go again on New Year's Eve.

My hairdresser told me she joined Weight Watchers again. I wish her that best, but this is at least the third time she's joined since I've been going to her. When I see her again in seven weeks I wonder if she'll still be dieting. She knows I'm in OA we talk a little bit each time I see her.

Um, yep. That seems to be all.

Holiday drama

Yesterday my sister called to un-invite me to spend the night Christmas Eve. I dumped on CB yesterday. I was hurt and angry. I cried. I speculated how long I've been unwanted. I wondered if my BIL didn't want me there. I saw my therapist (previously scheduled) who, after seeing me for ten years, is completely unable to be rational about my sister. She says my sister is mean, just like my mom was. We brainstormed about how a grown-up would handle the situation, but couldn't really come up with the answer. Luckily my sponsor was unfazed and had some great advise.

Her main point was that this isn't about me. She said that when people change in the program, family members react. She is the only one that said I shouldn't tell her how much she hurt me. She also advised me to take the high road. To bring my stocking over anyway. She also invited me to come over after the meeting Sunday to watch the Bears game with a bunch of people at her house. Another OA friend asked me to come to dinner with her.

I spent a miserable evening crying and a lousy restless night. I prayed for my sister.

This morning my sister called me at work to re-invite me. When she told her husband what she had done, my BIL got mad and told me to call her back. So she did. I told her she hurt me. She explained that they had a fight yesterday and she thought she could reduce stress by kicking me out. I don't think she really understands how hurtful her actions were, but she apologized and I accepted.

I'm spending the night there as originally planned. I'm not sure she really wants me there. Next year I'll probably make plans of my own and just go to her house in the morning. But that's next year. I don't have to plan that far ahead. I was tempted to stay away to be spiteful, but that hurts me more than anyone.

I thought about food a lot last night. Chocolate and comfort foods. But I stuck to my food plan and I'm glad I did. I'm quite possibly the sanest person in my family right now. Weird.

Happy Holidays!

Peeling the onion

I spend too much time in my head. All day long I compose little posts for WIT and CB. Only a small percentage makes it to the digital realm. Sometimes I start writing but decide not to post. (You thought I didn't edit myself, didn't you.)

I thought I had already posted about my weigh in last week because I'd written two posts. One got lost when I closed my browser before publishing and the other was lost when my laptop crashed. I feel written out on the subject, yet nothing has been shared. What follows is a bare bones recap.

I lost two more pounds this month. I have now lost 72 pounds. Yeah!

I was afraid to weigh myself this time. I haven't broken my abstinence, but my portions were out of proportion. I've made more meals at home lately. Mostly out of the freezer, boxes and cans. I've been treating everything as single serving containers.

Obviously pasta isn't packaged in single serving sizes, instead it is marked in ounces. After making a few enormous meals of pasta with marinara sauce I decided to weigh it on my kitchen scale. The batteries are dead. I poured Mostaccioli into the bowl, then put handfuls back three times before settling on a "reasonable" serving.

So it's time to get more honest about my food. Again.

Grateful for little things

I'm sick. I'm on the mend, but I still feel like crap. But here are three things I'm grateful for today:

1. I can shave my legs easily today. Don't get me wrong, I still dream of permanent hair removal, but today I realized that it isn't physically difficult to shave anymore. Between losing 70 pounds and practicing yoga for a year now, I have flexibility and balance I haven't had since high school. I realized I was bending over my raised leg with my free hand on my ankle with my nose only inches from my shin. I was basically in a forward lunge with no effort or forethought. Eighteen months ago I get twinges in my gut if I bent over for more than thirty seconds. What a difference.
2. I am aware that being sick lowers my resistance to depression and compulsive behavior. I have not broken my abstinence. I think of food more often because I am tired, bored and uncomfortable, but I do not act on these impulses.
3. I am connected my OA friends enough that it was not painful or uncomfortable to make many calls this afternoon to find someone willing to take the meeting bag in my place. Since finding someone to lead tonight's meeting I've had someone else return my call and volunteer.

There's more, but that's all I have energy for today.

Unwanted candy

Another huge batch of Halloween candy is in my cell today. It is getting spread all over the table as people dig through to find their favorites. The table is about five feet from me. I don’t want to eat any of it now, but I know that there will be weak moments before it all disappears. Crap.

Fifth step from the other side

I'm hearing my first fifth step this afternoon. I've talked with my sponsor about it. I just need to pray and listen. I don't have to fix anything. I'm nervous though, because my sponsor was so awesome. She's had years of experience sponsoring and I knew I could not tell her anything she hadn't heard or done herself. I'm so new to this, I just want to keep myself out of it.

Good thing I have some cleaning to do before she arrives or I'd be a wreck. Must run, I have crap to pick up and vaccuming to do.