I am the speaker for the first time at a meeting in two hours. I’m trying not to think about it too much. My sponsor said not to. It should be a pretty small group again. We had six people last week and I know one of them is out of town today.
I’m putting pressure on myself to say the right things. I want to turn it over to my HP instead. This means that I have to let go of expectations, pride, ego and even the desire to help. I really would like something I say to help someone, this then, is a combination of all of the above. I’ve gotten so much from the speakers I’ve heard. I want to give that back. So I hope sharing my story resonates with at least one person there tonight, but I can’t focus on that.
There is so much to tell, I fear I’ll forget to tell important things. I know it is better to be specific and personal rather than general. Sometimes when I’ve shared or posted I think I’ve done nothing but spew slogans in random order. I think talking about before OA will be easy; I have a lot of material to pick from there. Walking through the steps should also go pretty smoothly. I worry mostly about sharing how things are different for me now.
This is where I feel like a newbie. Sure I’ve lost 67 pounds and been abstinent for over a year, but there is still so much of my life that is chaotic. There are subtleties that are hard to explain. My depression still fluctuates and my meds are still a work in progress, but I recognize and respond to the dips quickly. My recovery is a growing collection of tiny victories: body, mind and spirit. Writing this my head is filled with things, but will I remember them later? Is that even important? Should I make a list?
- I feel like a person, not a freak in public. A longtime friend recently told me that she and her husband noticed that I *almost* blended in with the normal weight crowd dropping off kids at my nephew’s school. (I’m also able to take the positive from this back-assward compliment and not focus on the tactless insult.)
- I am maintaining balance better in emotions, finances, work and family
- Not controlled by food. At social gatherings I don’t spend most of my time thinking about food, even when it is outside my control like at wedding receptions. Nor do I plot binges to secretly eat the world when I leave such events.
- Eating three meals a day and no snacks has freed up a lot of time and energy. I feel relief and gratitude at night when my dinner is done. I’m done eating for the day, no more choices and no food hangovers.
- I’m gentler to myself and others.
- I go to work on time. Still struggle sometimes with procrastination once I’m there, but at least I’m there.
- I’m becoming more trustworthy. Mostly at this point I’m learning to trust myself.
- I have a fantastic support network now. When I start slipping people notice right away, usually before I’ve done any real damage.
- I feel valuable and loved.
- I’m not so afraid of emotional pain. I’m learning it will pass.
I feel better. No one will be grading me there. I’ll be talking with people who share my disease and understand. This is service and I will turn it over. Thanks.