Last night we read a story from the brown book, Overeaters Anonymous. I've read it before and it hit all the same notes for me again. I think it is titled Saying Yes to Life. What struck me hardest was her loose approach to abstinence. I get the not a diet mentality, but my abstinence is becoming more absolute with recovery, not less. Maybe this is setting me up for a major relapse down the road. I don't know. I'm new and have a lot to learn.
My food plan is a few simple rules with a lot of freedom within. I do not eat sweets, artificial sweeteners, or anything with sugar in the first six ingredients. I eat three meals a day with nothing in between. No extras (i.e., no extra rolls, biscuits, or extra sides). To be abstinent I follow this plan. I cannot be casual about this. One slip could be just that, or it could be the beginning of a relapse with no end. I cannot afford to risk it.
So when I hear people I've seen struggling to string together continuous abstinence for over a year agreeing that they can't be a perfectionist with their abstinence it makes me sad and confused.
This morning I stayed in bed hitting the snooze alarm for two extra hours. This is something I struggle with and hope to become as committed to getting up at the appropriate time as I am to abstinence. It feels bad and similar to a binge. It is self-destructive and miserable. It scares me, and yet I am powerless. I prayed about it and yet I hit the snooze alarm again and rolled over. Maybe it is like abstinence. I had to practice and fail many times before it stuck.
Pray for me.